2 Broke Girls x 1 Rich Man [TV series 2 Broke Girls ff]

[Next Morning – Park]

Max inhaled deeply, enjoying the crisp morning air as she strolled down the tree-lined park trail, leading Chestnut, Caroline's beloved (and slightly dramatic) horse.

"Ah, peace and quiet," Max sighed contentedly. She was holding the poop cleaning shovel on her shoulder, lazily. "No creepy diner customers, no Oleg offering me a 'night of passion,' no—"

Her words died in her throat. Her spidey senses tingled. The hair on the back of her neck stood up. Something was off.

Max subtly glanced over her shoulder.

There.

Behind a tree.

A man in sunglasses and a hoodie, lurking like a failed supervillain.

Max narrowed her eyes.

Either she was about to get mugged, or... 'Oh, God. No. It couldn't be.' She yanked Chestnut's reins and picked up the pace. "Nope. Not today, Satan."

The figure followed.

Max walked faster.

The figure walked faster.

Chestnut snorted in irritation.

Max let out an exasperated groan and whipped around. "Alright, buddy. If you're gonna stab me, let's get it over with, because I have a very busy schedule today..."

The stalker froze.

Then slowly, he removed his sunglasses.

Max's stomach plummeted. "Oh, hell no."

The man grinned, his teeth still alarmingly white, despite the fact that he was an actual criminal.

"Maxine, my love," he crooned.

Max's soul left her body. "JARED?!" she screeched.

Jared, a.k.a. her ex-boyfriend who once tried to sell her kidneys on the black market—flashed his signature sleazeball smile.

"The one and only."

Max deadass turned to Chestnut. "Kick him."

Chestnut, ever the diva, just yawned.

Jared put a hand on his heart. "Wow. Not even a 'Hey, Jared! How've you been?' No 'Glad to see you're out of jail!'"

Max pointed a deadly finger at him. "You tried to SELL MY ORGANS, JARED."

Jared waved a dismissive hand. "Allegedly."

Max gawked. "THERE WAS A BILL OF SALE."

Jared grinned sheepishly. "Okay, technically yes, but did you die? No. So, I feel like we can let that go."

Max stared at him in utter disbelief. "You absolute garbage disposal of a human being."

Jared sighed dramatically. "Look, I made a mistake."

"A MISTAKE? A MISTAKE?" Max threw up her hands. "Jared, **a mistake is forgetting your girlfriend's birthday. A mistake is putting salt in cookies instead of sugar. A mistake is NOT contacting a guy named Tony the Butcher and trying to sell your girlfriend's kidneys for 'quick cash' while she's TAKING A NAP."

Jared cringed. "In my defense..."

"There is NO defense, JARED!"

He raised his hands. "Okay, okay. I get it. But listen. I'm a changed man."

Max snorted. "Oh, really?"

He nodded earnestly. "I did a lot of self-reflection in prison."

Max crossed her arms. "Oh yeah? How much?"

Jared hesitated. "Umm, well. I mean. Not a lot. I was mostly selling cigarettes and learning how to make toilet wine, but..."

Max facepalmed.

Jared clapped his hands together. "Look, that's not important. What is important is that I'm out now, I've turned over a new leaf, and..."

She immediately cut him off. "Oh my God, are you about to ask me for money?"

He looked deeply offended. "What?! Pfft. No."

Silence.

Jared shuffled his feet.

"…Okay, maybe a little," he admitted.

Max groaned. "JARED."

He held up a finger. "Not a lot! Just, like, enough for a cheap apartment. Or a really good sandwich."

Max pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why. Are. You. Here."

Jared smirked. "Because I missed you, babe."

She turned to Chestnut. "Kick him."

Chestnut, again, yawned.

Jared chuckled. "That's what I love about you, Max. You're fiery. Feisty. And you're doing well for yourself now, huh? Heard you're getting into the bakery business."

Max stiffened. "How the hell do you know that?"

Jared tapped his nose. "I might have heard you talking to that blond at the cafe. So...? C'mon. For old time's sake?"

Max's fingers tightened around the handle of the poop shovel.

"Jared," she said slowly, her voice dripping with rage, "if you don't walk away in the next five seconds, I swear on everything holy, I will rearrange your face with this shovel."

He chuckled, completely unfazed. "Oh, come on, babe. We go way back."

She raised the shovel higher. "So far back that you **tried to sell my damn kidneys?!"

Jared waved that off like she was overreacting.

"Allegedly."

Max lost it.

She swung the shovel back, ready to knock Jared's stupid, organ-trafficking ass into next week—

SCREECH.

A black Porsche came to a sudden stop on the side of the road.

Max froze, shovel mid-air.

Jared blinked. "Whoa. That's a nice..."

The window rolled down. And there, behind the wheel, looking annoyingly handsome for this hour of the morning, was Alex Wilson.

Max's grip on the shovel tightened.

Jared, being a natural-born idiot, grinned. "Oh, shit. Fancy car. Who's this, Max? Your new sugar daddy?"

Max saw her entire life flash before her eyes.

Alex, meanwhile, just raised an eyebrow.

Max turned slowly toward Jared. "Jared," she whispered. "I swear to GOD—"

Jared laughed, like she had told a funny joke. "What? No shame, babe. The guy's got cash. And look at him, dude's probably got a yacht and a private island somewhere."

Max's eye twitched. "Jared. I will bury you in the woods."

Alex, looking 1000% done with this entire situation, cleared his throat. "Should I be concerned about the fact that you're actively threatening a man with a shovel? Or is he probably bothering you?" He opened the door and got out.

Max turned to Alex, gesturing wildly at Jared. "This walking garbage fire is my ex."

Alex nodded slowly. "Ah. That explains a lot."

Jared grinned and leaned against Chestnut like they were old buddies. "Nice to meet you, man. You can call me Jared..."

Chestnut, bless his loyal heart, immediately dropped a massive pile of steaming poop right on Jared's feet.

Silence.

A long, glorious silence.

Jared stared down at the fresh pile of horse betrayal now perilously close to his overpriced sneakers.

Max?

Max lost it.

She howled with laughter, doubling over, clutching her stomach. "OH MY GOD. CHESTNUT, YOU BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL CREATURE."

Jared gagged, stumbling backward like the absolute coward he was. "Oh, hell no... What the fuck?!"

Alex watched the scene unfold with mild amusement. "That… was impressive timing."

Max wiped a tear from her eye, still wheezing. "I swear, this horse is my soulmate."

Chestnut flicked his tail like he knew exactly what he had done.

Jared, however, was less impressed. He pointed accusingly at the horse. "Did he just...!"

"Yes, Jared," Max gasped between laughter. "He just pooped in protest of your existence."

Jared gagged again and stepped back further. "That's disgusting. That's—why does it smell like actual death? What do you feed this thing?"

Max, still grinning like a lunatic, gestured wildly to Alex. "Hey, rich guy, how much do you think I could sell this for? Some people pay good money for organic horse manure, right?"

Alex tilted his head, pretending to think about it. "I mean, some high-end farms do use it as fertilizer… so, yeah. You could probably make a small profit."

Max turned back to Jared, delighted. "See? Even Chestnut's waste is more valuable than you."

Jared scowled, clearly debating his life choices. "Y'know what? Screw you guys. I don't need this. I was just trying to be nice."

Max gaped at him. "NICE? JARED, YOU TRIED TO SELL MY ORGANS."

Jared threw his hands in the air. "Okay, are we really still talking about that?"

Alex leaned on his car, watching this like it was the greatest free entertainment of his life. "Yeah, I feel like that's kind of a hard thing to get over."

Max turned to Alex, grateful. "THANK YOU."

Jared rolled his eyes, still acting like he was the victim here. "Whatever. This is exactly why we didn't work out, Max. You always hold onto stuff. You never let things go."

Max laughed without humor. "Oh, I don't know, Jared. If I let things go, I'd be missing a kidney right now."

Jared threw up a sarcastic peace sign. "Whatever, man. Y'all are a bunch of haters."

Max smirked. "Bye, Jared. Don't let Chestnut's poop hit you on the way out."

Jared turned and stormed off, aggressively wiping off his shoes on the grass.

Alex, watching him disappear down the trail, slowly turned back to Max. "So. That was…"

Max sighed. "Yeah. That was Jared."

Alex nodded, completely unfazed. "I'd ask if all your exes are like that, but I feel like I already know the answer."

Max snorted. "Oh, don't worry. That one was a special breed of disaster."

Alex glanced at Chestnut, who was still standing proudly over his vengeful contribution to the world. "I like the horse."

Max patted Chestnut's neck. "Same."

Chestnut, as if to punctuate his triumph, let out a long, satisfied snort.

And that was how Max's morning went from peaceful horse-walking to witnessing the ultimate act of karmic justice.

Max grinned and stretched. "Welp. Time to finish this up before any more disastrous ex-boyfriends or crazed fans show up. By the way, I never thought rich men wake up this early in the morning. Don't you guys wake up like 10 or 11 and your maids cleaning you up or washing you, then dressing you, and then for breakfast... truffles and caviar?" She looked up and noticed Alex was staring at her again like she was an unrecognizable creature.

"...What?"

For a long moment, Alex just stared at her. And then, he burst out in laughter. Not the polite, amused chuckle of a rich businessman. Not the smooth, composed laugh of a Hollywood mogul.

No.

This was full-on, genuine, head-thrown-back laughter, the kind that made his shoulders shake, the kind that came from deep in his chest.

Max blinked at him. "Uh. You okay there, Moneybags?"

Alex finally composed himself, shaking his head with a grin. "Oh, man. That's a hell of a mental image. A team of maids bathing me, dressing me, and spoon-feeding me caviar for breakfast?"

Max crossed her arms. "I mean, yeah. Isn't that what rich dudes do?"

Alex smirked. "Sorry to disappoint, but I actually dress myself. And my breakfast is usually just coffee and whatever's left in my fridge."

Max gasped in mock horror. "Oh my God. A self-sufficient billionaire? What is the world coming to?"

Alex chuckled. "Truly, a tragedy." He nodded toward Chestnut, still standing proudly over his crime scene. "So, does this horse come with an attack mode, or is he just a menace for fun?"

Max grinned. "A little of both. Honestly, he's my hero." She patted Chestnut's neck. "Good boy. You avenged my kidney."

Chestnut flicked his tail, looking very pleased with himself.

Alex smirked. "Well, I gotta say, that was one hell of a show. I was just on my way to a meeting when I saw you about to smash that guy's head like a piñata."

Max huffed. "I wasn't going to kill him. Just… mildly concuss him."

He raised an eyebrow. "Mildly?"

She shrugged. "Okay, maybe a little more than mildly."

Alex shook his head, still grinning. "Remind me to never get on your bad side."

Max smirked. "Smart man."

Alex checked his watch. "Alright, as much as I'd love to stick around for more of your adventures, I really do have to go."

She tilted her head. "Big fancy rich guy meeting?"

He sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. But thanks for the entertainment. Seriously, that was better than half the scripts I get sent."

She grinned. "Glad to be of service."

Alex opened his car door but hesitated for a second. Then, glancing back at her, he smirked. "You know, Max, you should consider a career in organized crime."

Max gasped dramatically. "Oh my God. You DO have a private island. You're trying to recruit me for your billionaire mafia, aren't you?"

Alex laughed. "Damn. You figured it out. I'll have to find a less observant criminal mastermind."

Max winked. "Good luck with that."

With one last amused shake of his head, Alex slid into his Porsche and pulled away, leaving Max standing there, still holding her trusty poop shovel like a warrior after a battle.

She turned back to Chestnut. "What do you think about Alex, Chestnut? Good guy? Bad guy? Total secret supervillain bent on world domination and the destruction of capitalism while living a double life of debauchery and hedonism while jet-setting across the globe to parties full of beautiful models and expensive cars and eating his cereal dry like a psychopath? Could that man eat a bowl of cereal like that while secretly scheming the destruction of Western civilization as we know it or WHAT? I would lose 5 years of my life over that fact alone."

The horse gave her a weird look and snorted.

Max nodded solemnly. "I agree, buddy."

With the danger past, she finally managed to finish cleaning Chestnut's little... 'act of karmic revenge' (and put his discarded crime scene back in the duffle bag) and then they returned home to a much more cheerful and amused Caroline, who thought his 'deliberate poo attack' on Jared was the single best thing ever and they proceeded to giggle hysterically over a cup of hot chocolate and pancakes like they were girls in a Disney teen movie, bonding over petty vengeance against idiot males.

And that was a good day for them.

Also, Jared was reported missing the next day by his friends, but not a trace was found of his existence other than his bloody boots and phone up the hills. So... it was very much concluded to be a freak encounter with a mountain lion and that was the end of that. (Who? How? You ask... Well, some things are better left unsaid...)

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[8 advance chs] [All chs available for all tiers]