Believe In The Weird and Wild (Star vs. the Forces of Evil x Steven U)

Summary:

A guide into it all.

"In the beginning there wasn't nothing, that's just stupid nonsense … there was a turtle." Glossaryck explained .

"Yes, because that somehow makes more sense." Steven rolled his eyes.

"Now the turtle was everything because it was unformed, simply the 'snake that was' resting next to it … until the 'Koala that is' came into play." He went on. "They found the universe, and decided it should be their own personal playground, a way to sculpt art and create a perfect image."

"Think of it as an entire universe made out of clay, except that clay is made up of cosmic power." Uncle Grandpa said while eating a lollipop. 

"But the snake didn't like it, cause whenever something is alive they can't go to sleep, so they tried to kill the Koala." The Collector went on. "But they couldn't really do anything to each other. Then the Axolotl got involved and everything went even crazier cause they wanted things to be fun and change."

"So eventually, after a couple of eternities, they decided that instead of pointlessly trying to delete one another, they should create minor facets to do their jobs for them, like a game of chess." The Guardian explained. "That's how we got formed."

Father Time blinked into existence, seeing all these wonderful and weird faces around him. There was a triangle guy, a kid with stars, a man with black feathers, a little blue dude, and so many large varieties of strange things and people.

"Rejoice." He looked up, seeing a giant Axolotl that gave a lot of energy and kindness. "You have been given life." Life sounded nice.

"Be grateful for it." Father Time turned to a giant Snake that gave off weight and hatred. "For you must pay it back." Pay it back? But they were broke ... Should he start a band?

"And to do so." The final speaker was a giant Koala that gave off authority and indifference. "You will fulfill your designed purpose." Oh, not even five minutes old and he already has a job! He was moving up in the universe fast!

"A little tid bit to hold on to was that while we may have been created around the same time, some of us, like yours truly, weren't given our tasks until centuries later, mainly due to the big wigs constantly butting heads about what could go where." The Collecter explained

"Also they could be super vague about it to." Uncle Grandpa mentioned. "For example…."

"Your job is to bring forth growth and change within the universe, bringing it forward and advancing life into an age of prosperity." The Axolotl told their group. Oh, he got to move stuff forward, that sounded fun!

"You, Father Time." That was his name, although he never recalled having kids before. " You shall run on the wheel of time, keeping time flowing for all eternity." 

"So yeah, we had three groups." The Guardian said. "Those that kept balance for the universe, like me and Glossaryck, those that brought change and growth, like Uncle Grandpa and the Collector, and those that reversed it to nothing, like Bill Cipher."

"Wait, like crazy one eyed Dorito chaos lord bill cipher?!" Mabel shrieked.

"Yeah." Glossaryck nodded. "That Snake really wanted his nap, no matter how chaotic he needed to make it."

"As deranged as he was, I still preferred his company over Aku." The Collector said 

"Meh, Aku had this weird sense of humor." Plagg said. "I didn't get it at all … anyways, that brings it back to-"

"What about us?" The three beings turned a floating ladybug … then at each other. Why did they look so confused?

"Fun note, the Kwami were completely accidental. They just came into being when concepts were forming." The Guardian stated . "So nobody had any idea what to do with them at first, even the big three."

"For about the first hundred or so centuries, we mainly followed the others around, trying to figure out where we fit in." Tiki went on. "Fluff stayed with Father Time for a bit, Plagg hung around the snake while I floated back and forth between the collector and the Koala."

"After finding humans, we decided to help them out due to the kindness they created gave us even more of our own." Fluff concluded.

"How many … are there?" Kelly asked.

"How many concepts exist through all of existence?" Professor Paradox asked a rhetorical question. " The big three were fine with letting them integrate with humanity, but after Plagg made the dinosaurs extinct in several dimensions, that's when the Koala tied their beings to the miraculous jewels."

"We deserved it in all honesty." The Kwami spoke, glaring at the black cat.

"You have allergies one time, and no one lets you forget it." Everyone noticeably backed away from the small destruction Kwami.

"So the multiverse was going fine for a while … until we got an inspection."Glossaryck said with a sigh.

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Glossaryck didn't have many regrets in his life. He liked the concept of tying and limiting himself, he liked the idea of helping stupid people become less stupid … but giving his children sentience? That was the big one. "Remind me again why you froze them?"

"Because they looked evil!" Rhombulus shouted out.

"Yes … but they were kittens." He needed to clarify.

"They were growing claws and their tongues felt super weird! I needed to contain them before they could get anymore dangerous!"

"Three month old kittens are what you consider dangerous?" Glosseryck was close to tearing off his ears so he didn't have to listen to the nonsense anymore.

"Yeah, you kinda jumped the gun there." Heckapoo said the obvious. "You need to wait until they're adults, that's when they have evil in their souls." Or not.

"Bagggh."

"I'm surrounded by morons." Biggest mistake ever.

"We're the morons you created, so that's all on you." Omnitrackis was only fueling the fire by this point. He thought he get delegate just a little responsibility to help oversee magic, but not only were they incompetent, they were extremely ignorant as well.

"I feel we may be here for a while." Reynaldo spoke up, looking down to the secretary with deer horns. "Hey Sean, get us some lunch."

"Right away si-" Sean stopped talking, their eyes flickering rainbow … shit. "You colossal, cosmic feces." They growled out coldly.

"He … didn't quite like some of the decisions I made." Glossaryck admitted to the group.  

"I'm sorry, exactly what are you upset about this time?" 

"I'm sorry, who's-" Sean's eyes returned to normal, now switching to Rhombulus's single eye, effectively cutting him off. "This one was creative, sealing off multidimensional threats in stasis as to preserve them, clever."

It switched over to Omnitraxus before they could get a word in edgewise. "And a guy who literally erases Paradoxes inside of their stomach, effective thinking."

They than switched to Heckapoo, where the anger came back, blood boiling, sun exploding anger reaching to the surface. "This … this was your fucking mistake."

Glossaryck looked up and down the body. "I never took you for being sexist."

"Oh you and I both know the concept of gender identity is bullshit!" The moron went off. "This one breaks down the barriers of the universe! You know that I forbade dimensional travel!"

"Wait." Star spoke with confusion. "He was mad … because we could travel through dimensions?"

"They have an obsession with order and separation." The Guardian noted. "When it came to traveling through time or space, they became absolutely enraged."

"They're a big stick in the mud like that, especially since dimensional travel doesn't hurt anything."  The Collector waved off.

"Technically it does, but only en masse." Paradox interrupted. "It's not like you're shoving galaxies between dimensions."

"You can blame Omnitraxus's entire frustration with the two of you on the Koala, centuries of doing the job really didn't improve the man's attitude one bit." Glossaryck said.

"I had to make it controllable somehow." Glossaryck shrugged. "Otherwise when the Mewmans gained magic nothing would stop them from-"

They switched over to Reynaldo. "I'm sorry … it sounded like you planned on giving organics access to Magic, one of the most fundamentally largest power sources to exist and capable of altering the laws of existence and science I so delicately placed and made." They spoke with barely hidden enrage.

"You created entire pools of magic across the universe and expect no one to want to mess with it?" Glosseryck raised an eyebrow.

"It's your job to make sure they don't even if they want to!!" They shouted back.

"I'm sorry." Omnitraxus shook themselves, trying to gain focus. "Who are you, and how can you possess us like it's nothing?" He asked with trepidation.

They switched back to Sean. "Where are my manners? My name is God, and I am Glossaryck's maker … and I'm currently judging the multiverse." They said coldly. "Between this and Guardian creating the Calamity Box, my current vote is on a hard reset."

"He was willing to destroy the universe because of a pet peeve!?" Luz asked

"Nononono." Glossaryck clarified for the girl. "He was willing to destroy the multiverse because of a pet peeve."

"It's because of this that beings such as I.." Fluff said. " ..are willing to be lenient on time travelers and the like if they are at the very least good natured, or we would've reset the entire timeline a hundred times over for everytime people mess with space time, which most of you here have."

"That … suddenly puts a lot of context into how close we are to pissing off the universe." Louie noted, looking down at his hands.

"Now believe it or not, Rhombulus actually saved our butts." Glossaryck continued.

"Screw you!" The crystal man shouted at the one being that can wipe them out with the wave of a hand. Glosseryck would have to spend the last few minutes of his life wondering where he went wrong raising these crazy kids.

" Before I turn you to space dust…care to ELABORATE?"

"Rhombulus, back down, even Glossaryck doesn't seem to want to piss this guy off." Hekapoo tried to stop the moron, but they were on a roll.

"You think you're sooo superior just cause you're in charge." Rhombulus ignorantly went on, beginning to pace. "Well guess what, you made stuff and it doesn't do what you want, so did Glossaryck, and probably everyone else in this infinite fucking multiverse!!" He shouted. "You are just as imperfect as the rest of us!" They walked up and looked down on the smaller vessel. "If you are sooo worried about things not working out hunky dory like some clock, then why don't you get off your lazy ass and make something that does!"

They simply stared at Rhombulus, silently, a strange pondering on their face. "... You have a point."

"He what now?" Glosseryck for the first time ever, found himself surprised at what Rhombulous managed to accomplish.

"I gave you all such a large variety of personality that I forgot you wouldn't act on my orders to the t. If I can make an Omniverse, surely I can make something in it worthwhile." They stared at the idiot's face. "Yes … yes I see it now, a bit of an artistic inspiration." The Koala laughed. "I'm going to build your replacements, I'm going to create perfection itself … and for the idea, I'll use your head as a basis … a brilliant and radiant gem."

" Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!?!?!!" Steven shrieked. "So if it wasn't for Rhombulus…my gem buddy… the gems wouldn't have existed and we'd all be dead?!"

"I know, it shocked me too." Glossaryck shrugged. "I guess a broken clock can be right twice a millenia."

"That's exactly how my horoscope described me!" Uncle Grandpa shouted.

Glossaryck turned from the confused Sean to Rhombulus. "... I can't tell if you saved us all or just extended the clock to our inevitable death." He was more inclined to believe the latter.

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"So after that … it was time for their 'masterpiece', the first one taking over two hundred years to craft because he's that much of a stubborn perfectionist."

God gazed upon their creation. Stewed within infinity, boiled for eternity, filled to the brim with positive energies … now to be carved with negative ones. They laughed, beginning to carve, the first being the most vital and important. It would take their ideals and match them perfectly, governing their rules without fail.

"White Diamond. The 'purest' light of the Diamond authority." Tiki said. "Meant to rule with absolute authority, with no compromise or argument. She represents Apathy, deflecting and slicing through magic."

From the broken chunks would come the next two. The first was the resolute fist, dedicated to power and destruction. Anything that would be unable to fit their 'radiant' views, removing stains and horror through existence and violence.

"Yellow Diamond." Paradox went next. "The second closest to perfection. She represents Antipathy, her electrifying aura capable of breaking down magic to its basic level."

Next was the gentle palm, moving to negotiation and containment. While not 'perfect', they were as important to God's plan, containing all lives deemed 'worth saving' inside of containment, where it would remain untainted and clean, as it should be.

"Blue Diamond, the lesser threat…if you can call overwhelming misery that." Plagg groaned. " She's sympathy, and she absorbs any magic within her reach."

Finally … the leftover shards. What to do … God pondered this. While they served no purpose at the moment, considering their three main targets were complete … maybe they could be forged into weapons? No, ships that would channel and amplify their powers beyond measure. Not that God would want to destroy Celestialsapiens, they were their finest and most neutral of works, but if they wanted interdimensional travel, it would be a loss.

"He would've made something completely boring and dull with the leftover piece, but luckily for everyone, I stepped in!" The Collector cheered happily.

"You what?!" The group of kids yelled simultaneously

"Oh, these seem fun!" God blinked, turning to see … the Collector, one of the more underdeveloped of the Archivists. Great creations to lock away things in an orderly fashion … "Lots of building block toys!"

"This isn't your domain." They stated clearly. "You are to deviate immediately."

"Aww, tell me you're at least making something good out of this!?" The brat spun the remaining chunk on his finger.

"Of course I am." They smirked. "I am making Diamonds that will intersect onto infinite realities, combining into the multiverse to be capable of expanding their power and reach endlessly, allowing a perfect world to exist." It was a dream come true.

"You're trying to make a perfect world where eveyone's perfect? That's kind of ridiculous." The brat snorted. "If everyone on this world of yours is the same, exactly what are they going to compare themselves too?"

"Their leaders. After the Diamonds, there's no need to compare themselves to anything … a world of eternal stagnation."

"Sounds boring."

"It's not meant to be entertaining." They shot back.

"Then your 'utopia' is going to fail." The brat laughed above all things. "Tell me, would you be doing this if we were already mindless drones that obeyed your every whim?"

"If you were that, I wouldn't have a headache and cry myself to sleep." They argued back. Why were they arguing with a deity designed to be childish?

"As you can hear, he's clearly a big lamo." The Collector complained.

"Do you know why we act out? Why we don't listen to you despite being the big dog?"

"Because you're a child who doesn't understand what his purpose?" To bring order and control to all things.

"Eh, maybe, but it's more along the lines that you give us no reason to listen to you." The brat laughed as they tossed the piece up and down. "If we were entertained every once in a while, then maybe we'd be more inclined."

"Your entertainment with the intermingling of universes and the dissolution of linear time is the exact opposite of my end goal and what I want you to listen to to begin with." They deadpanned. To be honest, the entire idea of 'free will' as it was was doomed to begin with if Glossaryck was any example.

"Just saying, everyone would listen more if they had something to laugh at every once in a while." The Collector juggled the piece. "Make something laughable, something hilarious, something so 'flawed' that everyone else will mock it for centuries. People will get a good laugh, and go back to their boring and mediocre lives the rest of the time."

Something flawed … or something that would take the flaws as a bad example … What was it with morons having a point this millennia?

"And with that, they made something that would soak up every flaw and problem know to gem kind … your mother." Glossaryck said.

"Aka, 101 on how to trick a god into Making something good and fun for once!" The celestial child laughed "And that makes me, your kinda grandpa!" The Collector sent out some shadowy confetti.

"Why did I think this story would simplify the family tree?" Steven muttered

"Wait, does that mean Steven is a god?" Anne asked.

"Mm … I'd say he's one fourth omnipotent." The cat based guardian shrugged. "He'll be more deity-like once the human half of him dies , which wont be for a long while, rest assured."

"Stop trying to tell me when I'm going to die." Steven grumbled. "So what happened next?"

"Well, then the Koala sent them across infinity, creating multiple realities with gems …" Glossaryck continued. "Where they slowly began to experiment with their own existence, and eventually, terraformed their own planet."

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They came out of the planet…it was strange..they could recall their own nonexistent past, the dark and emptiness..yet they also had a sense of self. They…She knew she was alive, and that this was life.

"Oh, what should we call these!?" Spoke a Pink, radiant and warm figure that filled their theoretical heart with joy on sight. 

"Calm yourself pink, they're Quartz soldiers, we discussed this earlier." Next was a less warm figure, but nonetheless still gleaming, and their was a nice cool sensation from being in their presence.

"Their job is to fight battles we won't be there for ourselves." After that was a figure of heat, one that sent a tingle with excitement inside of their gem. Power built from their very essence.

"And if everything goes to plan, then soon enough, we won't even be required to move to inspire Millions gems like them." The last figure..to simply put it, absolutely stunning. So clean, so pure. They felt absolutely insignificant compared to this glistening bright light, and compelled to obey out of fear for that light alone.

"It's gonna be amazing!" The pink one made them feel good about themselves. "An entire world full of life and movement, much more exciting than the boring old grass."

"Ugh, this 'ecosystem' is nothing but a pain in the long run." The yellow one also made them feel fear, if slightly less than the white one. "We've surpassed the need to breathe, so that will have to be eliminated."

"No need, I feel that will fix itself just fine." The White one chuckled. "Come along, we have plans to make, and stars to gaze upon."

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"And that's what you're dealing with." Steven sat in silence with everyone else as Glossaryck finished his tale. "Three crazy ladies that have the power to obliterate the realm of magic if they so much as step foot in it, mentally convinced they're in the right due to how they're superior to organics."

"Because you two did stupid stuff." Plagg deadpanned at Glossaryck and Domino God.

" It was an experiment, and it eventually yielded good results." Domino God shrugged. "I was even patient by giving it to the Amphibians instead of humanity first."

"Stupid is what the simple minded call complex foresight and thought." Glosseryck waved off.

"No, what was asinine is you didn't even try hiding it from your bosses." Paradox pointed out.

"There'd be no point, he'd discover it sooner or later." 

"I'm sorry, i'm still trying to wrap my head around … everything. " Steven rubbed his temples. "So … because a Koala is so obsessed with order and perfection that he'd sooner reset the universe than admit his mistake."

"Yep." Plagg nodded.

"Then we got saved by the sheer fact you drove Rhombulus to his breaking point, and thus created the Diamonds with personalities and mindsets to eradicate all organic life in basically spite."

"That would be the sum of events." Fluff nodded as well.

"And good gems only exist, as well as me in general, because an all powerful immortal ten year old wanted them to have some sense of fun?"

"You're welcome." The Collector waved at him.

"... Is any higher being nice?"

"Morality becomes subjective the higher up you are on the totem pole." Paradox explained. "Besides his owners, Plagg has no single attachment to any lifeform, because he is the embodiment of destruction itself."

"Not true, I love cheese and my Sugar cube." The black kwami nodded while winking at Tiki. "As long as she cares about life, then there's something about it worth protecting."

"And the Snake just wanted to sleep, it's the equivalent of hitting a fly that's near your head when it just buzzes … the fly in this analogy just happens to be existence." Domino explained. "In fact, they were actually better than the replacement."

"The replacement?" Star asked.

"Yeah, some bully with a hat." The Collector explained. "I tried to tell them they were being too mean, but then I was locked in the boiling isles."

" And don't even get started on the Litch." Uncle Grandpa shivered. "Mr. Snakes first attempt at destroying all life in one universe. Essentially if the big bomb were to go off in any world he'll appear and enact the snake guy's desire to see everyone dead."

"And now I am going to be awake at night, cool." Finn muttered. "So how do we stop the Diamonds?"

"A tricky conundrum to say the least." Professor Paradox nodded. "... Well I'm off."

"I have a universe to save, see ya." Domino walked away.

"There's a child that needs to learn how to ride a bike out there. Goodbye and Good morning!" Uncle Grandpa turned back into a cannonball and shot himself upward.

"And I already got bored, i'm gonna make a new game." The Collector vanished.

"Oh look, time for Meterora's lessons again." Glosseryck made a portal and leapt through it. "Good luck to you all!"

"... Do you think they left us because they have no sense of morality, or because they know we have it handled?" Ladybug asked as her and Chat Noir's Kwami disappeared into their earring and ring respectively.

"I'm making a bet on the latter more than the former." Luz said sheepishly.

"You know, the sad thing is that this is the nicest Glosseryck's ever been to us." Star grumbled

"Why couldn't the president of the universe have been here?" KO sighed. "He at least would've been dancing the entire time."

"I'm not even sure I should take up that god job." Anne said. "It just seems to bring out the worst in people."

"From how they word it, it's either we change things or they'll continue to mess things up." Steven groaned. "Uggh, one universe threat at a time. Let's figure out the Diamond problem later and drown out the existentialism with ice cream."

"YEAH!" Let them deal with crazy problems another day and enjoy life for a change.