Delusive Fate

#090

You said something strange. Why did you say that? Why did you tell hyung to kick me out when time passes, when I grow up, when I age and become an adult? That adults should be able to live alone? Why are you telling hyung, telling me such things? We don’t need to know that. So why are you doing this on your own?

Why on earth….

‘It seems like the world is trying to interfere with us,’ Ki Baek-woo thought. How can there be so many reasons why Han-sol hyung and I can’t be together forever? Wasn’t it enough to just be careful about other people interfering? Wasn’t it enough to be a weak being who would die immediately without hyung’s care? But….

How on earth… am I supposed to stop time…?

Ugh. Ki Baek-woo covered his mouth, afraid of a vague future that hadn’t even come yet. From then on, he hated breathing. Breathing was evidence that he was growing one second at a time, and it was also a signal that the end of his time with Lee Han-sol was approaching one second at a time. Even though Lee Han-sol hadn’t explicitly agreed to do what Park Jae-i said, just the possibility was enough to make Ki Baek-woo feel this way. If he could, he wanted to erase time altogether.

To be honest, Ki Baek-woo hadn’t really been in his right mind since then. After learning of another possibility of abandonment from Park Jae-i, he was never completely at ease even when alone with Lee Han-sol. His nerves were always on edge. It was the same even when their bodies were in contact. Even while holding Lee Han-sol’s hand that had always calmed him, Ki Baek-woo was led by the thought of “Is it still okay?” that suddenly invaded his mind.

My hand hasn’t grown bigger than yesterday, has it? It’s still the same, right?

Ki Baek-woo examined their clasped hands tensely, like a child taking a test. Wondering if he hadn’t grown too much overnight, if Lee Han-sol would notice and think “I should start making him independent soon.”

Ki Baek-woo obsessively trimmed his nails, hating even the slightest appearance of growth in his hands. He bit, cut, and filed his nails daily, afraid that even a bit of white would show at his fingertips. For a while, until his skin got used to it, there were always scabs on his fingertips.

Even when hugging Lee Han-sol, the situation wasn’t much different. Lee Han-sol’s body scent, with its end oddly reminiscent of candy. Just as Ki Baek-woo felt his breathing ease, filled with that scent, he soon fell into other thoughts.

Ki Baek-woo soon focused on the size of the warm body pressed close to him. He persistently gauged and remembered how big Lee Han-sol’s shoulder blades were, how thick his ribs felt through his thin body, how much area was left when he placed his hands on Lee Han-sol’s back. He compared these with his own every day.

Is it still okay? I’m still smaller, right?

Even though not growing didn’t mean not becoming an adult, and being small didn’t guarantee not being abandoned by Lee Han-sol, Ki Baek-woo couldn’t escape this obsession. He wanted to try anything if there was a way to stay by Lee Han-sol’s side. Even rationally, it seemed better to exist smaller than him. After all, there are no parasites larger than their host.

‘Isn’t that too disgusting….’

Ki Baek-woo never ate to fullness and rarely stretched, just in case. Even though doing so wouldn’t stop his growth, he did it consciously.

There’s no need to go this far, no, I have to do this. Hyung is always the same, so don’t be nervous for no reason. No, I should be nervous. If I don’t stay alert, I don’t know when or how this relationship will end. Ah, even I think I’m too disgusting… Why am I like this? But I can’t help it. Hyung is too… kind, I can’t help it….

In this wavering and precarious state, Ki Baek-woo lived in the orphanage with Lee Han-sol, and had to endure even more terrible days there than on the streets. An environment teeming with peers starved for affection without guardians. Ki Baek-woo saw all of them as his enemies. Lee Han-sol was always by Ki Baek-woo’s side, always ate with him, and after roll call, he would secretly come to his bed and fall asleep hugging him tightly. He seemed to feel that this daily routine was their time alone, a world of their own that no one could interfere with.

“It’s a bit stuffy with so many people nagging, but it’s good that we can be together in such a warm place like this. You don’t have to go hungry either. I think it was good that we came here… right, Baek-woo?”

His question and clear smile, certain of a “yes” in response. Ki Baek-woo just smiled broadly.

No, hyung. There are too many people here. There are dozens of kids besides me that you could take care of, and too many friends you could have arm wrestling or running competitions with like before. I’d be fine freezing or starving to death, I just want to be alone with you….

Such answers would do no good, so he kept his mouth shut. Ki Baek-woo grew up keeping his mouth shut. And apart from keeping his mouth shut, there was nothing else Ki Baek-woo managed to accomplish.

Ki Baek-woo couldn’t stop Lee Han-sol from going through gates and forming new relationships. He couldn’t remain weaker and smaller than Lee Han-sol, and of course, he couldn’t stop time. Nor could he stop his feelings for Lee Han-sol from swelling to their limits, or cut off the delusions that kept turning from good to bad.

I might be the worst human being, incompetent and pathetic, good at nothing but gloomy internal struggles.

At eighteen. Ki Baek-woo took a long exhale, feeling his body that had grown rapidly since awakening as an S-class hunter two years ago, which Lee Han-sol could no longer handle. A body that had grown too big… sticking out from Lee Han-sol’s body even when curled up with all his might.

“Ugh, Baek-woo… this is getting hard. I feel like I can’t breathe. Can’t you lie on your side and hug me instead of pressing down from above…?”

“Hyung, am I too heavy?”

“Yeah, a bit… Our big pig…”

“You can’t hug me anymore, can you?”

Lee Han-sol chuckled and patted Ki Baek-woo’s back as he asked in a whisper.

“Now it seems like it wouldn’t count as a hug even if I hugged you.”

“I see….”

Ki Baek-woo listlessly raised his body that had been curled up on top of Lee Han-sol. Hesitantly, he propped himself up on the bed with both hands and quietly looked at Lee Han-sol’s face below him. Lee Han-sol was giggling to himself, making silly comments about bears and pigs, when he reached out to touch Ki Baek-woo’s face looking down at him.

“When did this tiny thing grow so big? You’ve really grown well. Who raised you so well?”

“You did, hyung…”

“That’s right. Hehe. You’re handsome.”

You’ve grown up. Lee Han-sol, who had just pronounced a death sentence on Ki Baek-woo, then spoke sweetly as if to deceive him, “Isn’t our Ki Baek-woo the prettiest in the world?” Lee Han-sol gently caressed Ki Baek-woo’s face. “You called me a pig though…” Ki Baek-woo muttered weakly, meeting Lee Han-sol’s gaze as he smiled brightly. His eyes narrowed as if they would make a sound. It was a smile Ki Baek-woo wanted to monopolize forever by his side, so he couldn’t smile back.

“Hyung, since I’m a pig, do you want to eat me?”

“You want me to eat you?”

“That’s fine.”

I can’t be weaker or smaller than you anymore, and I’ve grown big enough to be thrown away. So I wish you would just eat me. I wish you would eat everything, not leaving a single strand of hair, even the bones. And then die before digesting me. Die somewhere where absolutely no one will ever find you. Then we can be together forever and disappear together forever, no matter how much time passes.

Not knowing if all this talk about eating was a joke, Lee Han-sol bit Ki Baek-woo’s arm like a cat. Ki Baek-woo pulled Lee Han-sol up, got out of bed together, and said:

“I’ll make kimchi stew for you today.”

Ki Baek-woo was sad because his feelings were overwhelming from beginning to end, so different from Lee Han-sol’s. At nineteen, he was afraid of the last day of December from that moment on.