I am Peter Parker

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***

There are times when you suddenly realise a seemingly obvious truth. Today, Tuesday, was just such a day for me. I realised that, for some unknown reason, I'm a success with the opposite sex. In four days, I had dates with four girls, one of which ended up proposing marriage to two of them, and one more to come.

Frankly, I somehow don't care about this realisation, maybe only slightly pleased. However, I'm curious as to why. I'm not a bad guy, of course, but I don't think that would be enough. I'm not handsome, not athletic, not ambitious, in debt, nice in communication I also can not be called, and the character of the amateur. How much head did not break, and understand what is special in me does not get.

That's why there can only be one conclusion - the women of this world are not all right. Maybe someone hypnotised them or I remind them of their father, who went for milk for ten or fifteen years? But the assumption is that, for lack of a better word, the women of this world are crazy.

And since I have a date waiting for me one way or another, why not make the most of it and test a hunch?

.....

I got to Mary Jane's five minutes early. It's unusual to go on a date I don't plan on ruining.....

- Unless you come home with a potbelly.

- Mum, Peter's not like that.

- Did they cut his peepee off with a pickaxe?! He's not like that. Listen to me.

What followed was about a five-minute lecture on what a bad person I am. The lecture was clear, for it reached me from outside the house; it was informative, for it contained words whose meaning I can only guess at; it was extensive, for it started with men from time immemorial and went on to the last men who would be left at the end of the world; of course, they were not put in the most favourable light, but more attention went to me. I feel important.

- Yes, Mum! Oh! - when MJ opened the door, her face changed from anger to shock. - Are you here? Why are you here?

- Well, I came to pick you up because we had a date tonight.

- Mary Jane! - her mother came out into the hallway with a loud shout, and then our eyes met. - Oh, Peter, honey, how are you? Do you want to come in for breakfast? I'll make you some pancakes.

- I think I'm gonna pass. - With her saying all men should be burned at the stake, I don't really want to be within five metres of her and fire.

- Oh, that's a shame. Apparently you can't wait to go on a date with my little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little.

- Mum!" MJ's cheeks were red with embarrassment as I wondered what that last nickname even meant.

- I'm sorry. Just you keep an eye on her, Peter, she's a good girl. - and then she winked at me.

- Mum!

Mary Jane couldn't take it anymore, she put her hands on my back and started shoving me away from her house.

- Look, Peter, I have in my possession, quite by accident, a picture of five year old Mary Jane with a chocolate stained face and in pissed trousers! - Glancing at MJ, a unique phenomenon appeared before me: her face was distinctly redder than her red hair.

.....

- Haaaa... I want to die... - With a blank expression, Mary Jane leaned against the bus window.

- I doubt the road rocking will be enough to expand my head to death.

*(tyres roaring)

- Ow! - Mary Jane hit her head on a sharp turn. Since the turn was sharp as far as the bus was concerned, both the glass and the head survived the collision quite successfully. Except that the former had a toner mark and the latter had a bump.

- Hoo... So it's really not a miss?

- А?..

- This is the first time I've seen you wearing make-up. - To be honest, I only noticed it now. It's all thanks to the glass, his sacrifice was not in vain!

- Haa. - Mary Jane let out a disappointed sigh and squinted at me. - Oh you men, I actually wore make-up on our last date too. And you even complimented my make-up and asked me where to buy the same shadows.

Didn't Mystique brag about her new shades at breakfast today? You could have warned me.

-This morning. At breakfast--

With the previous altercations with my neighbour, Sabretooth's attempts to destroy my possessions, Pyro's unwillingness to look in my direction, and NEWT's relentlessness, breakfast was business as usual. Until now:

- I bought new shades! - Mystique suddenly announced.

- Wow! They're beautiful!

- Can I try some?

- Where'd you get it?

- They look like my old ones, but the brush is different and the texture is.... - until I lost track of the conversation.

- ... - Sabretooth didn't seem to be talking either, but you could see in her eyes that she wanted to talk.

- ...I also read on the internet about a new method of applying .... - car. Beer. Sports. Blood. War. Video games! - Oh, right, what's important, this brand tipped me off.....

While Mystique continued to share fascinating stories about cosmetics, I indulged in bonding with my masculinity:

Fights. Guns. Boobs!

-Real-

Guts. Meat. That uncomfortable moment when the fly on your jeans catches the tip of your--

- Well, leaving the make-up talk behind. - Thank God, because I think my rapprochement with masculinity almost led to an unpleasant memory. - We're here.

Mary Jane and I got out right in front of the cinema entrance, I remember hearing that going to the cinema is considered bad form on a first date. It's not like it's our first date for her, though.

- Huh, that's weird. - I turned my questioning gaze to MJ. - So many times we'd gone out together, but I hadn't paid attention to all those looks before.

Looking around, indeed, we were the centre of attention. At first I thought it was because I was the only guy in the cinema, however when people started taking pictures, I came to think it was because of the stupid show.

- Whoa, that's new. - was surprised by Mary Jane's outbursts.

I had no choice but to grab her hand and run away. Under these circumstances, I doubt we'll be able to watch the film in peace.

.....

- Haa... Haa. - That's how we got to the park.

- Haa... Haa. What's gotten into them? It's one thing to watch, but if they want to film it, at least buy the house across the street! - Since when did buying a house become a legitimate justification for stalker behaviour?!

- It's all about the show I'm on.... - at the end of my words, Mary Jane turned pale and lost her gaze into the void once again.

- Oh, crap! I totally forgot to watch the second episode! After the first one, I even forgot you were in it! - Why do I have a feeling I won't end up like the people in the stories about the filming that changed their whole lives?

.....

- Remember when we used to go to that swing set after school? Penny would try to do sunshine, you'd scold her and she'd give you a tongue lashing.....

- And then she'd fall down and I'd scold her again, good memories. - the picture of my sister's head stuck in the sand once brought a smile to my face.

- Let's swing, shall we? I bet I can make a sunshine!

- Haa... All right, but if you break your neck, don't count on my help.

- Yeah? What are you gonna do if I get hurt? - standing on the swing seat, MJ slyly asked me.

- Well, if I'm not too lazy, I'll put duct tape round your neck and take you home and tell you that's the way you've always been....

- How heartless! - Mary Jane was dramatically outraged. - I don't even want to ask what you'll do if you're lazy....

- All right, then. - I took the seat on her right hand. - Just if you're going to fly off the swing, please do it towards those big bushes where you can hide your body.

- Have you no faith in me at all?!

.....

- Whoo-rya-rya-rya-rya! - Repenting on the swing Mary Jane bent her knees and strengthened her grip, while portraying the character of some anime with both her face and voice.

- Hmm... - I've been sitting down and swinging quietly for a while now, and I've even had time to get some juice.

- I don't-want-to-go-to-Earth!... - and as usual, as soon as the swing reached the rubicon crossing, Mary Jane would panic, tears would well up in her eyes and she would pull back.

Some might consider swinging to be a boring activity, but I've been here for half an hour and I'm having quite a bit of fun.....

- I definitely am this time! Whoo-rya-rya-rya-rya-rya!

- Maybe I should give you a push.

- Don't-don't-don't even think about it. - she panicked even earlier this time. Panicked enough to--

- Shore- Ish.

- Haa. - Mary Jane glazed over for a moment, then came to her senses and jumped off the swing. - See, I did it!

She did, only backwards. For the first time in my life, I witnessed backwards sunshine.

- Well, that wasn't scary at all!

- Then why don't you do it again?

- And the truly brave don't stop there, they push the envelope. - I wonder why true brave men don't look me in the eye. - Like this...

Mary Jane jumped up to me, wrapped her arms around my neck, and....

*♪ Smack. ♪

- There... That was-- It wasn't scary at all. - kissed me on the lips. It was a brief moment, just a shy touch. - It's kind of hard to date after being friends for so many years, isn't it?

As her arms continued to wrap around my neck, MJ's gaze changed from drunken to worried, she raised an eyebrow, averted her eyes, first up and then down, lowering her head.

- No mystery, no need to find out anything, it's too late to even meet my parents.... Kind of weird?

- I guess?

- And it's not clear if we're actually dating, or if we're just continuing to be friends. We don't even have any dramatic back stories or a strong bond, just two, actually three, kids who just lived next to each other. I had a crush on you as a kid, even got jealous when I found out you liked.....

- Wait. - here's my moment to learn the truth about female insanity in this world! And it has nothing to do with my reluctance to reminisce. It's just a happy coincidence. - You were in love with me? But why?

- Peter Parker, are you trying to embarrass me by asking me these questions? I'm not an easy girl, you know.

- You have a blush on your cheeks.

- Ahem! To answer your question. - here's a coincidence on her part. - I guess I fell in love because you were the only boy I knew.

A very healthy reason for love, I don't see any problems with it..... I wonder how low self-esteem has to be for someone to agree to a relationship with someone who just hasn't found anyone better?

- Although, when I was jealous, I just liked you then.

- Why?

- Well. I'm good with you, yes, in the present tense and I've been in the past. You make me laugh, sometimes with your jokes, sometimes with your detachment. I like it when you're all serious, making me and Penny do our homework, giving us money for ice cream, cooking, wailing for no reason at all. Just like Daddy. I love your hair, I want to muss it all the time, look into your eyes, and kiss your lips....

I'm a man, and compliments only work on girls! Pull yourself together, you wimp. Think of something manly.

- I guess I just like you for who you are, Peter Parker. - What a cliched phrase.

- Mmm!

- Mary Jane's eyes went wide as I kissed her passionately on the lips.

Clichés exist because they work! What a critic...