I’m a Villainess, Can I Die?

I casually wrote a reply to Jacob’s letter. It was a simple, straightforward response, without any unnecessary embellishments. Ah, but I did pay a little attention to the handwriting.
As I sat writing the reply while the letter from Jacob lay open beside me, I couldn’t help but notice how sloppy my handwriting was. It really looked quite awful, so I made an effort to write more carefully than usual.

“How does it look?”
I showed the completed letter to Aiden and asked. His expression froze immediately, and it was clear that he couldn’t bring himself to speak. He seemed so flustered that it almost made me feel like I was teasing him. I decided not to wait for his response.
Is it really that bad? I glanced over the letter I had painstakingly written once more.

Hmm… well, the fact that I tried matters, doesn’t it?
Without any further hesitation, I folded the letter and sealed it in the envelope with wax.
Once I finished the letter, I realized it was almost time for dinner.

I opened the restaurant door leisurely and, to my surprise, the family who had already arrived and seated were all waiting for me, greeting me warmly.
How is it that our family always arrives so early for meals? Once again, I had the same thought I always do at meal times, and I took my seat.
For dinner, we had smoked chicken with onions. As I picked at the red onions with my fork, the color of the onions reminded me of red tea.

And then, as I thought of red tea, the greenhouse party from a few days ago came to mind. Thinking of the party made me remember Jacob, and remembering him made me recall the letter.
So this is what associative thinking is?
“What’s wrong, Selina?”

I paused in my thoughts, impressed by the process of associative thinking, and stopped when my brother, sitting across from me, asked.
“Mother, Father.”
At my call, my parents looked at me with kind smiles. The smiles they gave me, as if they would listen to anything I said, always felt strangely familiar yet comforting.

In my past life, I was only used to seeing my parents' stern or scowling faces.
As I unintentionally thought about my parents from my past life, it felt as though they were coldly watching me behind the smiling faces of my current mother and father.
“It's not yours. You shouldn’t be loved.”

With that familiar voice in my head.
How foolish… When will this damn shadow of mine finally let me go completely?
“Are you feeling ill, Selina?”
When I pressed my temple, my mother, who was sitting next to me, gently stroked my hair with a worried expression.

I shook my head at her soft, delicate touch.
The cold, disdainful gaze of my past mother had long since disappeared.
“No, it’s not that… I want to go to the opera theater next week.”

“The opera theater, you say? Oh…”
My mother began to speak but trailed off, her face turning dark as she lowered her head.
It had already been two months since that day, but she still seemed uneasy about me going out again after I had deceived everyone and caused trouble back then.

It was understandable, really. It couldn’t be helped.
I raised my hand cautiously. I was aiming for my mother’s hand, but it didn’t move easily. After hesitating secretly, I gathered my resolve and grabbed her hand.
Startled by my sudden touch, my mother looked at me with wide eyes.

When I realized I was Selina, I also accepted that my family was my family.
But I had never fully accepted the truth in my bones.
The shadow of my painful past still didn’t let me go. Hadn’t it just happened?

Every time I tried to accept something, memories of the past would suddenly resurface, accusing me with the question, “Do you even deserve this?”
In the end, while I accepted the love my family showed me, I couldn’t easily express anything in return.
As a result, I could never be the affectionate daughter they wanted. Not only that, but because I could only take and not give, I often felt like a selfish person.

I knew what it felt like to be someone who gives endlessly. Someone who keeps giving, only to find their own well running dry.
I understood that feeling, and yet, I continued to hesitate and avoid it.
Two months had passed since the incident, and since that day when I had comforted my mother as she cried, I hadn’t once held her hand first.

I felt strangely burdened, so I lightly shook my ankle under the table.
This translation is the intellectual property of .
As my mother stared at the hand I was holding, her eyes widened, blinking rapidly. It seemed like she was holding back tears. It really was a house full of tears.

Before I remembered my past life, when I was still the cruel Selina, I wondered if I cried a lot too.
My mother finally managed to hold back her tears. On her face, a strong smile appeared.
“Don’t worry, Mother. I promised, remember? I won’t think like that.”

“…Right. Selina. I… believe in you.
Do you know?”
With trembling hands, she gently caressed my cheek. I closed my eyes, feeling grateful, and rubbed my cheek against her palm.

It was truly a remarkable progress that I was the one to bring my cheek to hers first. The others seemed just as surprised, looking at us with wide eyes.
How could it be like this... Though it's still unfamiliar and awkward... If I continue to slowly approach my family like this, and eventually come to think of them as entirely my own... Will I, as Eunji said, be able to become a little happy?
With my family’s worried consent, this time I set a condition for myself.

I decided to bring Lukas and Aiden along.
It felt like I’d feel uneasy with just one, so I called out both their names, and the family looked relieved all at once.
After a satisfying dinner, I had dessert in my room alone. The family was too busy with their own matters, and there was no time to enjoy dessert together.

Then again, managing this huge estate... They must have their hands full. Plus, next month there's the capital’s Founding Festival, so there’s likely much to be done before that.
Perhaps, as a 19-year-old noblewoman, I’m the one who has it too easy. But what can I do? I don’t know how to do anything.
Just sitting quietly seems to help. The family seems very satisfied with that much.

During my dessert time, which was the only peaceful moment in this house, Aiden and Jane, who had become equally idle due to the leisurely pace of the owner, joined me.
Aiden was always my dessert-time companion... and Jane, who had been so delighted when I gave her a cake before, now enjoyed these little moments as much as Aiden did, so I sometimes invited both of them for snack time.
At first, Jane had been unsure about this odd pairing, but now, she was enjoying it more than anyone.

"I’m so, so happy to be a servant of the Duke’s house—no! I mean, I’m so happy to be your maid, Miss."
Jane, who had been admiring the fluffier-than-usual strawberry cake today, spoke with a bright smile.
"When Aiden becomes a magician, please, please make me your personal maid!

Please, me! Only me!"
It was a bold declaration, second only to Vivian’s enthusiastic pursuit. And it was actually quite an intriguing offer.
If Aiden’s position were to become vacant, I thought Jane, being more familiar than others, might be a better choice than anyone else.

She had become comfortable greeting the other servants, but not like she had with these two.
Well, it’s a good thing. If the superior is difficult, it’s hard to speak up.
Aiden seemed startled by Jane’s words, not because she was asking for his position, but because of the condition attached to it: "When you become a magician."

Earlier today, he had been looking around cautiously.
Feeling a bit sorry for Aiden, who seemed hesitant to speak up as he ate his cake, I decided to shift the conversation a little. After all, he should enjoy the cake.
"Aiden, do operas happen every day at the theater?"

Thinking about it, I realized I didn’t know anything about the opera I was going to see next week. It hadn’t been mentioned in the novel, or well, if it had, I couldn’t remember... Anyway, no matter how much I had lost my memories or had them revealed to me, I didn’t want to appear completely clueless in front of Jacob.
"No, opera singers from the Empire perform in touring shows. There are only three theaters in the Empire. The royal opera theater in the capital, the White Opera Theater here, and the one in the north. So when it’s opera season, many people visit the Duke’s estate."
It seemed like Aiden was relieved to shift the conversation and answered with his usual smile.

"And this opera is a performance by a famous troupe, and it’s having its first show here at the White estate."
I couldn’t help but be surprised to hear that there were only three opera theaters in the Empire. That was quite a lucrative business.
Anyone with leisure time would want to enjoy cultural activities, so even if people had to travel a few days to see an opera, they’d likely come. Cultural entertainment for the leisure class couldn’t be cheap… This was practically a monopoly.

The White Opera Theater was definitely built because of the Duke’s status and his pro-imperial connections. This is why everyone wants to cozy up to the higher-ups... Good things fall from the top.
I had a moment of realization as I stuffed the cake into my mouth. Life, human affairs, here or there, it was all the same.
Despite the bitter reality, the sweetness of the cake spread throughout my mouth.

Time passed, and before I knew it, the promised day had arrived.
“There seem to be a lot of people, Lady.”
Really? Jacob, who had kissed the back of my hand, subtly wiped it on his dress and looked around.

A lot of people? It didn’t seem like it... Just me, Aiden, and Lukas.
I had considered inviting Jane, who had been so excited about the opera, but decided against it.
Jacob must have thought of this as a date and come alone, but I didn’t remember saying I was going out alone in my reply.

“Really?”
I answered casually, pretending not to know anything. What could I do, I’m not exactly the most observant.
“Well... no, it’s not that. It’s just that today’s not the only day,”

Jacob hesitated before saying with a wink. It seemed that Jacob was the type who picked up on every little detail. Winking here, winking there.
I ignored his words and actions, and instead, I looked up at the magnificent opera theater in front of me.