Just A Friend

#51

His mumbling head had stopped at some point.

Kang Jihan stared at the sneakers in the entryway. The running shoes with collapsed heels due to the habit of slipping them on carelessly were ones Nam Seonwoo had quite treasured.

Thinking about it, Nam Seonwoo had an unexpectedly cold side. The ‘line’ he occasionally felt from him was so faint that at first, he didn’t notice that indifference.

But now he knew very well. To ‘consider’ everything without asking the other person’s opinion meant that, in the end, he wasn’t curious about that person.

As a lover and a roommate, Nam Seonwoo had been considerate in many ways. He couldn’t deny that. But he never actually crossed the line.

At first, when they were younger, it was comfortable. It was nice that he didn’t unnecessarily ask about part-time jobs or family matters. When he realized it was Nam Seonwoo’s way of being considerate, he was genuinely grateful.

But even as time passed and their relationship deepened, Nam Seonwoo didn’t ask. It’s okay if you don’t say anything, I don’t care whatever the circumstances are. Nam Seonwoo always gave that impression. So he couldn’t bring himself to speak up.

‘That’s right.’

Yes. That’s the kind of person Nam Seonwoo was. And now they had broken up. Becoming complete strangers with Nam Seonwoo meant this.

But.

Would he really never see him again after breaking up?

…At all?

His temples throbbed again. Feeling his thoughts disconnecting, he held onto the drawer for a moment, and his eyes met Nam Seonwoo’s in the photo frame. Those upturned corners of his mouth seemed to whisper:

‘Thank you.’

Even if he removed the frame, those words kept echoing in his head.

Thank you. He said thank you. For what?

If he was thankful, he shouldn’t do this. After fifteen years together, he shouldn’t end it like this. He shouldn’t leave with just those words as a final greeting.

He picked up his phone. He had a legitimate reason to call. As a roommate, he needed to check. Where Nam Seonwoo was staying. He needed to know that to send his belongings there. Even if he said he didn’t need anything, he wasn’t quitting his job, so he should at least take the things from his study.

He was just going to ask where he was.

The dial tone rang. As he kept listening to the monotonous, regular mechanical sound, his head buzzed. Feeling like he couldn’t hear well, he shook his head. When he put the phone back to his ear, he couldn’t hear a voice. Now he started hearing a ringing mixed with the mechanical sound.

He called again. Nam Seonwoo used to answer before the second ring. Unlike then, after a long dial tone, he finally heard a voice.

-The number you have dialed is not available. Please leave a message after…

When he opened his eyes after closing them, his phone was rolling on the floor far away. Endlessly playing the voice guidance he didn’t want to hear.

* * *

Nothing had changed from before.

He woke up in the morning, went to work, dealt with the packed schedule until afternoon, went to exercise, finished the remaining work, and then went home. The only thing that distinguished this same daily routine of several years was the calendar that changed pages every morning.

The calendar on the dining table was something Nam Seonwoo had bought. Having a calendar to tear off a page every day to start the day was one of Nam Seonwoo’s long-standing habits. Except for the fact that this calendar was stopped on the date Nam Seonwoo left, everything else was the same as before.

Monotonous days continued, not knowing how many days had passed or what day it was. One day, when no one came to the hospital and he called the office manager, he found out it was a day off. It was a bit absurd, but repetition naturally dulls people. Losing sense of time wasn’t a big problem.

“Did you see it earlier? When he spilled water?”

“I know. That’s why the vice director went in.”

The corridor was noisy. Recently, the staff had been whispering more frequently. It was strange since they weren’t usually talkative, but his interest quickly dissipated.

“You know, Teacher Seonwoo.”

Kang Jihan stood up abruptly.

Had Nam Seonwoo come? When he visited, the staff usually came to notify the director’s office. The sound of conversation drew closer. The blurred noise began to turn into clear voices.

“He hasn’t been coming lately.”

“Do you think they fought? Remember when the director didn’t go home for a while?”

“But lately he seems to go home every day? And he’s been leaving on time for quite a while. So what else could it be? He must be going on dates.”

“Dates? In that state?”

“…Hey!”

“It’s true. Lately, Director Kang, how should I put it… a bit…”

Realizing there was nothing of value in the conversation, his hearing blurred again as if turning off. Looking at the clock, it was already time to leave. As he grabbed his bag and stepped into the corridor, the staff looked startled and hurriedly greeted him.

The staff looking for Nam Seonwoo wasn’t a new occurrence. Everyone at the hospital liked Nam Seonwoo. It wasn’t just the hospital; it had always been like that. Nam Seonwoo quickly gained favor with people he met for the first time wherever he went. When he smiled gently with his seemingly cold face and showed consideration as naturally as breathing, everyone’s attention would be drawn to him.

So, probably by now…

“Director, what are you doing standing there?”

It was the office manager. Despite her middle age, she used formal speech with everyone and now wore a worried expression. She hesitated for a moment before nagging, “Please take care of your health.” Remembering that she had said yesterday that he seemed to be smoking too much, he just nodded vaguely.

But as soon as he got in the car, he reached for a cigarette. Without lighting it, as he was pulling out of the parking lot, the words “Registered Vehicle” on the car recognition device suddenly caught his eye.

“…”

The biggest conflict with Nam Seonwoo had been about the car. While meticulous in other matters, Nam Seonwoo was careless when it came to driving. Within a month of getting the car, he had nearly caused accidents more than five times. Yet he kept driving the same way, saying “Still, no accidents,” which was unsettling, so Kang Jihan had taken away his car keys.

Nam Seonwoo had been stubborn even when offered rides. So Kang Jihan had given him the keys to at least drive a safer model. But Nam Seonwoo, as if in protest, had secretly found his car keys and driven that flimsy car. For the childish reason that he didn’t like the design of his own car.

That’s why. He hadn’t registered Nam Seonwoo’s car.

Nam Seonwoo drove even more ostentatiously, and the longer this went on, the longer the car remained unregistered. It was like a game of chicken. Whenever they fought, it always ended up like this. Childishly.

The house he arrived at was engulfed in terrible silence.

Kang Jihan entered Nam Seonwoo’s study out of habit without turning on the lights. The open notebook and the blanket draped over the chair were still there. Passing by the last traces Nam Seonwoo had left, he lay down on the makeshift sofa where Nam Seonwoo used to nap.

It was strange. No matter how long he lay in the bedroom, he couldn’t sleep, but here he could at least close his eyes for a bit. Even if it was only for about 30 minutes.

The house should be dealt with. If Nam Seonwoo wasn’t coming back, he should throw away all his belongings and empty the house.

But not yet. He still had to wait. Nam Seonwoo was being stubborn now because it was vacation time. But as the new semester approached, he would have to come home eventually. All his teaching materials and school laptop were here.

It was just like before. Like when they were competing in protest over the car issue.

The lack of response was probably along the same lines. So he just had to wait. Nam Seonwoo had always shown signs of reconciliation first, with a sheepish face. So this time too, if Nam Seonwoo contacted him first…

“Kang Jihan?”

His body suddenly stiffened. Kang Jihan couldn’t even lower the arm resting on his forehead and only moved his eyes. When his eyes met the face looking down at him from beside the sofa, he couldn’t say anything.

“What are you doing? Here.”

Nam Seonwoo acted as if they had met just yesterday. As if nothing had happened, as if saying he wanted to break up and disappearing was just a dream, he smiled playfully.

“You’re not growing a beard, are you?”

The facial muscles frowning and smiling, the feeling of fingers touching his chin, it was all Nam Seonwoo. It really was Nam Seonwoo. It was the exact tone and expression from their early dating days when he would grumble, “It feels weird when we kiss.”

“Want me to shave it for you?”

The touch on his chin felt so vivid that Kang Jihan reached out as if entranced. But all he felt was his own stubbly chin.

…He must be out of his mind.

Even thinking that, he couldn’t take his eyes off the apparition before him. Nam Seonwoo looked around the room once and then went outside. When Kang Jihan hurriedly followed, he saw Nam Seonwoo’s back standing in front of the refrigerator.

“Have you eaten? Did you eat before coming home?”

“…”

“You’re not talking again. I’m asking you. Man.”

Nam Seonwoo turned around and gave him a reproachful look. Kang Jihan felt like laughing. When was the last time Nam Seonwoo had looked at him like that? It must have been during college. Nam Seonwoo had the most diverse expressions on that green campus.

“Eat what’s in the fridge. Before it goes bad.”

Nam Seonwoo walked towards the entrance. Seeing him about to leave without even putting on his sneakers, Kang Jihan spoke without thinking.

“Where are you going?”

“I have to go.”

He looked like he was about to go out just like that, his hand on the doorknob. So Kang Jihan grabbed him. Unlike before, he felt like he had really grabbed Nam Seonwoo’s wrist.

“But where-“

Nam Seonwoo, who had stubbornly refused to turn around, slowly turned his head after a long while. But the moment he faced that barely shown face, Kang Jihan felt his blood run cold.

It was that expression.

Nam Seonwoo smiled quietly, just like when they broke up.

It was as if he was saying exactly that. That he had done all he could, and so he had no lingering attachments. That face that made it impossible to say anything was exactly like the last time he had seen Nam Seonwoo, making Kang Jihan feel like something was stuck in his throat.