Just A Friend

#57

Just then, a horn sounded from outside the building. The taxi driver seemed to be hurrying him. Kang Jihan put the necklace in his pocket and grabbed an album from the bookshelf.

He thought that when he returned this time, he should talk more. Since the only words that came to mind were apologies, he thought bringing an album might help. If he showed Nam Seonwoo the photos recorded in it and told him about those memories, Nam Seonwoo might open his eyes, even if out of anger. Maybe he’d burst out saying, “Do you know how frustrating you were back then too?” With such small hopes, he returned to the hospital.

But when he returned, the hospital room door was wide open.

The empty room was full of traces of commotion. The tubes that had been connected to Nam Seonwoo’s body were floating in the air, not reaching where they should.

An ominous feeling crept up his back.

When he came to his senses, his body was already running somewhere quickly. Unlike his frozen brain, his body instinctively sensed the smell of despair.

There were familiar faces where he arrived. Park Gyuhyeon sitting on the floor, Park Jayoung wailing and pounding the floor, Nam Cheolmin with his head bowed. Unfortunately, what they signified was clear.

The surrounding sounds belatedly rushed in. The sound of vital signs fading into despair, screams, cries of pain, and urgent shouts all mixed together.

He had forgotten. That this place was close to death.

The noise filling the space merged into a single ringing. The monotonous ringing, like a sound announcing death, seemed endless and wouldn’t stop no matter how much he hit his ears. The despair that exceeded its limit was rather close to nothingness. He felt nothing, as if bleach had been poured over his head.

After that, scenes continued intermittently.

When he closed his eyes and opened them again, his surroundings had changed. It was the gray mortuary, then in front of Nam Seonwoo’s smiling memorial photo, then on a ship in the middle of the sea.

It felt like he was inside an empty shell. But his two legs always stood firmly. The sense of duty to watch over Nam Seonwoo’s end was holding up that emptied body.

Kang Jihan raised his head. Nam Seonwoo was being scattered over the sea. Looking at the fine powder, he vaguely recalled memories. The choice of sea burial was Nam Seonwoo’s parents’ wish. They wanted him to float freely rather than be confined in a narrow space.

It was right. Nam Seonwoo disliked bugs, so he would prefer this.

He stared down at the sea. It was a dark sea, so deep its depth was unknowable. It was so vast that it evoked both vague fear and inexplicable warmth simultaneously.

That night, Kang Jihan stayed in the village bordering that sea.

As he was looking at the sea, Park Gyuhyeon approached. He said he had booked train tickets and asked Kang Jihan to return together. But Kang Jihan shook his head. There was nowhere to return to.

As it got dark, Park Gyuhyeon left, and the busy villagers disappeared one by one.

The winter night sea was quiet. Looking at the sea without a single light, it felt like standing in the middle of pitch-black darkness. In the darkness where he had lost all sense of direction, he heard waves breaking. So he followed that sound.

The waves that broke into tiny bubbles tickled his ankles. As he walked following the foam being sucked back in, the waves wrapped around his knees and thighs as if welcoming him. The sea where Nam Seonwoo was submerged was gentle, just like him.

He took out the necklace from his pocket. The small pendant sparkled as if emitting light even in the darkness.

It was the same underwater. He felt relieved. In this vast place where even the sound of waves couldn’t be heard unlike outside, it seemed Nam Seonwoo would come looking for this light.

‘Even if it’s unlikely, you shouldn’t intentionally hasten death to use this. Remember? I said you should use it at the last moment of life. You can’t break this condition. It could lose its meaning of going back if you do.’

That’s what his mother had cautioned. But this wasn’t breaking the condition. Being left in a world without Nam Seonwoo was indeed the end of life.

Even if breaking the condition meant losing the ‘meaning of going back,’ it was okay. As long as he could go back, that was enough. If he could just go back to that classroom at nineteen and meet Nam Seonwoo again.

Hoping that even if something went wrong, at least this bone-deep regret would remain, he clutched the pendant tightly in his hand. The sparkling light seemed to gradually disappear, but he felt like he could meet Nam Seonwoo.

The winter sea wasn’t cold. Rather, it was so warm he felt like crying. It felt like being embraced by Nam Seonwoo. For the first time in a very long time.

*

*

In front of Korea University’s main gate, Nam Seonwoo took a deep breath.

The campus welcoming spring was lush green. The clothes of people walking around were also colorfully diverse. Among such dressed-up people, it seemed no one would pay attention to his drab clothes.

‘Perfect.’

Nam Seonwoo adjusted his outfit once more. Not feeling secure even with the large hood pulled over, he had also pulled a cap down low underneath. Pulling the hood down further to cover his forehead, he entered the campus.

It felt like he would die from the heat, but it couldn’t be helped. No matter how large Korea University was, this was the best way to avoid any possible encounters.

That day, on graduation day at nineteen, snow poured down late into the night.

He must have fallen asleep after crying, because when he opened his eyes, it was already dark dawn. With puffy eyes, he called his parents. He asked if they could get him a studio apartment, saying he wanted to retake the college entrance exam.

As it happened, his parents had an officetel they were using as a workspace. He packed his bags right away, but the thought occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, Kang Jihan might be outside. So when he left the apartment, he walked on tiptoe like someone fleeing in the night.

Anticlimactically, there was no one in front of the apartment.

From there, he immediately took a taxi and fled to the officetel. …Yes, it was an escape. A mean, vile, and utterly pathetic escape.

After that, he shut himself in and studied like mad. Since he had slipped in the latter half, it was awkward to register for a cram school, and above all, he didn’t want to meet anyone. So he changed his phone number. Before changing it, he left a message to Park Gyuhyeon saying he’d contact him later, and received a reply saying, “The college entrance exam isn’t everything in life, friend. Fighting!”

He changed both his home and number and disappeared like that, but he couldn’t bring himself to throw away his phone. Rather than lingering attachment… he wanted to keep it. If he threw this away too, even the trivial messages they had exchanged would disappear.

The year passed quickly. Thanks to solving problem sets day and night to shake Kang Jihan out of his mind, he was able to prevent the misfortune of his academic abilities declining.

Actually, he had hesitated about applying to Korea University. He wondered if it was right to apply here, if he should really go when he might run into Kang Jihan. But frankly speaking, there was no reason to apply to a lower-ranked school just to avoid that guy.

‘Kang Jihan is Kang Jihan, and my life is my life.’

This damn college entrance exam was over, it was the start of a new life.

14 years. He died at 34, so he had about that much life left. Not just a few months, but 14 years – it was a long time, almost embarrassingly long to call it a terminal life. He planned to do everything he hadn’t done before, go on exchange programs, take time off school, travel abroad a lot.

‘…But just in case.’

For now, it seemed he’d have to go around like this for a while. Tilting the brim of his cap further forward, only people’s lower bodies were visible in his field of view.

Just 1 year. He just had to endure for 1 year.

Of course, he didn’t plan to go around like this throughout his undergraduate years. Next year, Kang Jihan would move on to his clinical years, and then the chances of running into him on campus would be almost zero. As someone with experience dating a medical student, he could be sure of this. From third year on, he had barely met Kang Jihan once a week, if that.

It was supposed to be the moment of taking his first steps into university, but Nam Seonwoo felt none of that excitement or romance. Whether freshman or senior, university festivals or clubs, he had experienced it all before. His only goal was to spend the next year inconspicuously.

The lecture hall was noisy. Everyone seemed to have partied hard at the freshman welcome party, already gathered in groups.

Nam Seonwoo passed by them and took a seat in the corner. He felt eyes on him briefly, but the interest soon faded. Even though it was a major course, there were students from other years mixed in, so they seemed to just accept it. His appearance, which didn’t look like a freshman, probably helped too.

The lecture was still boring. His resolution to listen diligently this time so as not to waste tuition weakened within 10 minutes of the lecture starting. Thinking about what to eat during his free period, whether Park Gyuhyeon had gone to Sunghan University again this time, when would be a good time to contact him soon, the lecture ended before he knew it.

As he was about to leave the lecture hall immediately, someone tapped his shoulder. When he turned around, he only saw a large chest. Slowly raising his head, a huge guy smiled broadly.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you before, what year are you?”

Asking someone’s year informally upon first meeting, he must be a freshman who just graduated high school. It felt more like a high school student asking what grade you’re in, so it was more naive than unpleasant.

“Oh, are you not in our year?”

Though his appearance was far from naive.

“…Huh?”

A mountain-like build that made him wonder if he was a physical education major, with an incongruously innocent face. He could immediately recall who it was upon seeing him.

Kim Minhwan. His junior classmate. That is, from his previous life.