Lost

Since when did he know my birthday? Has he known since we were young? Well, the orphanage would throw a party for birthdays, so he must have known from then.I stared at his phone screen, which still looked like it had just been bought—no customizations or edits—then began searching through it.If I were still my twenty-year-old self, I wouldn’t have snooped through someone else’s phone like this. Even if someone asked me to look, I wouldn’t have. But now, it seemed like nothing at all. Not that I checked Woojin’s phone every day when we were living together. I just stopped having any reservations about looking at it.I didn’t expect to find much in the contacts, messages, or recent call history. Usually, the only person Woojin ever contacted was me. Of course, high school Woojin wouldn’t have a reason to reach out to me, so I thought his phone would be as pristine as if it were new.But surprisingly, Woojin did text other people. He exchanged texts and calls with a classmate, and his contacts list had over a hundred people.I know how Woojin acts with people who aren’t me. I figured high school Woojin wouldn’t be much different, but maybe I was wrong.Was he a bit more sociable when he was younger? Seeing so many contacts saved in his phone and reading through his ordinary messages with other people gave me an odd feeling. So, he used to be… well-adjusted.After school, would he go hang out with his friends? Maybe hit the PC rooms? No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t picture it. The idea of Woojin acting like a normal high school kid with friends just didn’t seem real.He didn’t seem like the most responsive texter, but he wasn’t ignoring people either. It was almost heartwarming to see him having proper conversations with someone. As I skimmed through the texts, a message exchange with his mother caught my eye.[Woojin, call me when you see this text.][I’m fine.][Are you sure you’re okay?][Yes, I’m really fine. Sorry for making you worry.]It was from yesterday.[Are you okay?][Yes.]This one was from the day before.[Woojin.][I’m fine.][That’s not it; your father arrived in Korea today. Come home early so we can have dinner together.][Okay.][You’re sure you’re okay?][Yes, I’m okay.]The texts were all on different days, but the pattern was the same. They exchanged messages almost every day, but it was only her asking if he was okay and him replying that he was. What exactly was “okay”?A strange feeling washed over me as I scrolled through the messages, looking at these repeated questions and answers. This bizarre exchange wasn’t just from a few days ago. It went back a long time, continuing even as the months changed. After scrolling for a while, I finally found something different.[I’m really okay. Really. So don’t worry about me. I just had a dream where I thought that if I hadn’t slept back then, maybe everything would’ve been fine. But I’m really okay now. Though if I hadn’t fallen asleep and had stayed there, maybe something would’ve been different.][Woojin, answer the phone.][I’m okay.][Answer your phone.][I’m fine. It’s not really clear in my memory anymore.][Woojin, are you really talking to me, your mother?][What mother?]The message exchange stopped there.[He lost his sight.][I’m okay.][The boy whose eye you hurt is blind now.][I’m fine.]The further back I went, the stranger the texts became. They didn’t sound like a conversation at all. Woojin kept saying he was fine, throwing in occasional strange, nonsensical statements.[I regret leaving you alone so much. No matter how busy work was, I shouldn’t have left you alone. I feel like it’s all because of me that you turned out this way. Your dad is staying here, and I’ll be back in Korea the day after tomorrow.][I’m fine.][Can you stop saying you’re okay?][I’m sorry.][Let’s go to another hospital when I’m in Korea.][Okay. But I’m really fine.]This one was over a year ago.[I couldn’t hear the call because of the rain.][It’s not raining.][I meant the thunder.][Where are you?][The rain’s stopped now.][It didn’t rain today. Where are you?]Bizarre replies and random comments appeared occasionally, then seemed to taper off. About a year and four months ago, the texts returned to being completely ordinary. “I’ll be home late after dinner with a friend.” “Will you be home late today?” Simple, everyday exchanges between a mother and son.And they didn’t text daily back then. She didn’t keep asking if he was okay. Things were just… normal.“What… is all this?”Scrolling to the very top, I found the oldest message.[Our son is a high schooler now.]“…”The messages left me with an uneasy feeling. I couldn’t tell if Woojin suddenly became strange at some point, or if he’d been hiding it this whole time. But judging by these messages, their conversations started going off-track all of a sudden.Could it have been from that time? Woojin had mentioned once that he’d come to find me. He didn’t say much about it, so I didn’t get the full story, but he did say he’d looked for me when I was in high school. Or was it when he was in high school? I couldn’t remember since he’d only mentioned it briefly in passing.Woojin had said that before we met in college, he had already looked me up and even talked to me once, but I hadn’t remembered him. And from then on, he’d never acknowledged me again until we met.So, does that mean the time when Woojin reached out to me had already passed? My head started to hurt as my thoughts tangled up.When I was around twenty, I had no money and no time, so I barely noticed the world around me. Nothing memorable happened back then; all I remember is not sleeping, not eating, and working constantly.So, no matter how hard I try to recall, nothing about seeing Woojin comes to mind.After a long while of thinking, I eventually lay down. Staring up at the dark ceiling from the floor, I felt an overwhelming wave of anxiety roll over me.I don’t understand a single thing. I don’t know why I’m twenty again, or what happened to the Woojin I was living with.If, by some chance, I’ve disappeared from that world, what happens then? If everyone’s been sent back to the past except for me, then Woojin’s left alone there.Or maybe the me from this place has gone there instead? Did we switch somehow?Or… maybe I’m just dreaming.“…”Whatever the answer is, this situation is terrible. The headache intensified, and I tightly shut my eyes, covering my face with both hands.I wished with all my heart that when I opened my eyes, I’d be back in our home, the one I know, with the person I know by my side.I wanted to see Woojin.＊ ＊ ＊I heard a sound in the distance.He briefly regained consciousness at the sudden noise but quickly drifted back to sleep. Just as he was on the verge of fully falling asleep again, something landed on his cheek.He furrowed his brows in discomfort but couldn’t open his eyes. They felt too heavy to lift. He gave up, ready to drift back into sleep, but then something fell again. Whatever it was, it kept landing on his face, forcing him to open his eyes.The room was dark, perhaps because the sun hadn’t risen yet. He blinked a few times, disoriented, rubbing his eyes as his senses gradually returned. He exhaled deeply, blinking repeatedly as he started to regain focus.As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed someone sitting beside him, leaning forward and staring intently at his face.The figure’s posture was unsettling enough to make him think he was experiencing sleep paralysis. However, he had a good guess who it was even without seeing their face clearly. Only one person in the world would stare at his sleeping face like this.He reached up to touch his face, feeling dampness where he thought he’d felt something fall. It was indeed wet. Sometimes, when Jung Woojin had nightmares, he would cry while watching him sleep. This hadn’t happened in a long time, so he wondered if Woojin had had a nightmare. Reaching out, he touched Woojin’s wet cheek, and he felt the boy shudder.“What are you doing here?”His voice was thick and heavy, barely audible. He reached out, pulling Woojin’s head gently onto his chest. Feeling the comforting weight on him, he threaded his fingers through Woojin’s hair, murmuring, “I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep, so don’t cry.”He spoke softly, but there was no response. Just as he was about to succumb to the drowsiness overtaking him again, he suddenly noticed just how damp everything felt. Blinking up at the dark ceiling, he realized his hand resting on Woojin’s head was cold, and his chest was soaked. Woojin’s hair seemed wet, like he’d just come from the rain. Was this all sweat? How much had he cried? There was no way his face would be this wet without tears.As his senses sharpened further, he noticed the ground beneath him was unusually hard. Realizing he wasn’t lying on his bed, he jerked up suddenly, startled.“What’s going on?”“….”Forcing his eyes open, he saw Jung Woojin sitting there, soaked, looking as small and young as he had when he was a child.“Wait, you… No way. Ah, damn it.”A flurry of mixed thoughts crossed his mind. This wasn’t a dream. He had prayed so earnestly to wake up in his own home.“Ha…”Covering his face with his hands, he squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds before lowering them and looking at Woojin. Woojin was kneeling, staring at him intently, his black hair sticking to his pale face in a haunting way.“….”“….”Why was he here? This couldn’t be a dream, right? He was sure he’d fallen asleep alone. But why was he so wet? Did he fall in water on the way here? It really was Jung Woojin, right? Not a ghost? And why wasn’t he saying anything?Just then, the sound of rain reached his ears. Instinctively, he looked toward the window. Though it was too dark to see if it was raining outside, the loud sound suggested a heavy downpour.“What are you doing here?”“…”“When did you get here?”“…”Even when he asked, Woojin didn’t respond. He looked like a drenched mouse, suggesting he hadn’t used an umbrella on his way over. But was it really him?Woojin’s silence, combined with his waxy complexion, made him look like a lifeless doll. The eerie sensation creeping up his back grew as he stared at Woojin’s unblinking gaze. Shivering, he finally got up and felt along the wall, turning on the lights. As the room brightened, he saw Woojin, completely drenched, as though he’d walked through the rain without cover.“Why aren’t you answering? You’re not sleepwalking, are you?”Did he have sleepwalking tendencies? He’d never done anything like this when they lived together. Maybe he’d sleepwalked as a child? He stared at Woojin suspiciously, but there was no sign he would answer. Given the clarity of his eyes, sleepwalking didn’t seem likely.“Jung Woojin.”“What?”Only when he called his name again did Woojin respond. With a sigh, he approached him and knelt in front of him.“When did you get here?”“A while ago.”“Why are you sitting like that? You scared me; I thought you were a ghost.”He wanted to say, “Imagine someone staring at you while you’re asleep! You’re lucky I didn’t punch you,” but couldn’t bring himself to do so. Woojin looked pitiful, slouched like a drenched stray in the now-lit room.“I was confused if what I saw earlier was a dream or not.”“Earlier?”At his question, Woojin looked down, his long lashes casting shadows over his eyes, making him appear utterly miserable.“So you came all the way here to check? In the middle of the night? In the rain? Without an umbrella?”He asked in disbelief, taking in Woojin’s damp form clad only in thin pajamas. Woojin remained silent, his lips pressed firmly shut. Reaching out, he lifted Woojin’s chin, meeting his gaze.He had expected to see traces of tears but found none.“Now you know it wasn’t a dream, right?”“…”“Answer me.”“…Yes.”He frowned, watching Woojin’s expression.“Hey.”“…Yeah?”“Aren’t your eyes dry? Shouldn’t you blink?”“…”After hearing this, Woojin finally blinked.“And why are you out in the rain, soaking wet as a high school student? Aren’t you cold? Wait, take off your clothes and wash up, okay?”Seeing Woojin shivering in his wet clothes, he turned on the hot water. He paused by the wardrobe, uncertain if Woojin could manage the shower by himself without a bathtub. Just then, he felt Woojin tug at his collar.Looking back, he saw Woojin’s pale face.“Hyung.”“What? Are you cold?”“Does someone often visit you at night?”“What?”“Does someone visit often?”Who would come here? Occasionally, a friend would stay over, or he’d have a night out drinking. But why was Woojin asking this all of a sudden?As I opened the cabinet above the sink, I saw a few bars of soap and some new toothbrushes. But maybe he doesn’t even need a toothbrush? He’s not staying over; I just need to help him warm up a bit before sending him home.“You didn’t tell your parents, did you?”“Who’s coming?”“No one. Probably just a friend. Do you think a professor from school is coming here?”I scowled, irritated by his relentless questions, and Jung Woojin asked again.“Do they come by in the middle of the night?”“Sometimes.”“Do they come and cry?”“What?”What is he talking about? Crying? Why would anyone suddenly cry? I tilted my head, questioning him, but Jung Woojin fell silent. He just kept staring at me like before, looking so cold that I didn’t want to continue the conversation.“Just go shower. Take your time with hot water until you warm up, don’t rush it. And, did you catch what I said earlier? This is shampoo, and this is….”“I can see.”“You know what’s what?”“I can figure it out.”Watching him speak with a raised eyebrow, I began to feel dumbfounded. Why’s he suddenly getting annoyed? Maybe he didn’t like how I was babying him since he obviously knows what to do?“Then finish up and come out. Towels are in the cabinet.”“…”I was going to say more, but his silent stare felt like a dismissive glare, so I just closed the door. I waited a while, but I didn’t hear any water, though it didn’t feel right to open the door again.Earlier, I was just anxious about getting him out of those soaked clothes quickly, but now that I’m sitting here, his questions seem… strange.What did I say in my sleep earlier? I barely remember since I was half-asleep. When I woke up, someone was looking at me, so I just assumed it was Jung Woojin and tried to console him. Did I tell him not to cry and to just sleep? Did he think I mistook him for someone else?Is that why he got so annoyed? The more I thought about it, the more absurd it seemed. I mean, he just met me again a day ago—why’s he making such a fuss over that? He’s ridiculously cute about it, though. It’s not like we’re anything serious, anyway.“This is ridiculous.”The thought alone had me sighing in exasperation, but then I stopped abruptly. Did I just think something weird?“…”A cold sweat began to break out down my back. I was lost in thought when I finally heard water running beyond the door.I couldn’t let him put his wet clothes back on when he was done, so I dug through my wardrobe for something that looked small enough, only to hear the door open.“Already done?”I handed him the first thing I could grab. A sweet scent wafted through the misty steam coming through the cracked door. I heard a soft rustling inside, which suddenly made me feel strange.As I frowned, the door opened wider, revealing a damp Jung Woojin. Water dripped from his hair, dampening his shoulders. He wore a plain gray T-shirt, holding a towel in one hand and a pair of black pants in the other.“…”“…”Was he planning to change out here? He just dropped the pants on the floor and, after drying his hair a couple of times with the towel, asked me a question.“Can I stay over?”“You… could, but shouldn’t you tell your parents?”Then he stopped drying his hair, letting water drip from it, even dropping the towel on the floor. As my gaze followed the towel, I ended up staring at his pale legs before I opened my mouth.“Why aren’t you wearing pants?”“They’re too big.”“Uh… want me to get something else?”I turned around to search the closet again, but there wasn’t much to choose from. Everything seemed to be in the laundry. The only options left didn’t seem comfortable for sleeping, and I just kept rifling through the clothes, feeling reluctant to turn around. Suddenly, the hem of my shirt tugged slightly, and when I turned, I saw Woojin holding it.“Hyung.”“…”Watching his sleeves fall halfway over his fingers, he looked up at me.“Sorry for showing up like this in the middle of the night.”“It’s fine. These things happen.”He looked like he was about to say something more but then closed his mouth when I replied automatically. I swallowed, realizing how strange my reaction was.This wasn’t the time for overthinking. He’d shown up in the middle of the night, soaked in the rain. It was only natural for him to wash up, and with nothing else to wear, he’d have trouble putting on oversized pants. I mean, I’ve even slept in less than half-dressed with friends after drinking. And others have woken up in just underwear… wait.“Did I give him underwear?”The moment I blurted it out, my gaze drifted to his lower half again, unintentionally.“Did you put your wet clothes back on?”Woojin tilted his head at my question, moving his damp hair slightly, and I cursed silently.Is he out of his mind? No, seriously… Maybe this isn’t a huge deal, but it still feels off… right?“You’re not wearing underwear?”“No.”“Why?”“I can’t put on wet ones again, can I?”“Well, I’ll give you mine—wear that.”Woojin scowled at me as I stared at him incredulously.“I don’t wear other people’s things.”“Then why wear my clothes at all?”“What, should I just sleep naked?”What on earth? Does he seriously mean to sleep without pants or underwear? With me?This was completely beyond reason. Part of me wondered if I was overthinking things, yet I couldn’t shake the discomfort.Of course, things feel off since Woojin and I are… not just friends anymore. But then again, he’s still in high school. And we only reunited yesterday.He’s reconnecting with the older brother figure he knew as a child, and we’re ending up half-undressed together after one day?“Right…”“…”“Yeah, okay. Let’s just sleep.”I decided to stop thinking about it. There wasn’t going to be any clear answer, and even if there were, I wouldn’t know what to say.When I handed him another pillow, Woojin took it, looking up at me from under the blanket. I only had one spare blanket, which made the whole situation feel even more overwhelming.“Shouldn’t you call home, though?”Remembering something he’d momentarily forgotten, he asked, “Is no one home?” Jung Woojin nodded.“No one’s home.”“Why?”“They’re abroad for work.”“Don’t you live with your parents?”Yesterday’s text made it seem like they lived together. Didn’t he mention only his mother was coming back? As he tried to recall, Jung Woojin clarified.“We live together. They’re just gone for a few days because of work.”“Oh… so there’s really no one home?”“Why do you keep asking?”He turned off the lights and sat on the bed. In the dark, he squinted, trying to make out where Jung Woojin was.“Do you usually do this?”“Do what?”“Leave in the middle of the night to sleep over at a friend’s…”He couldn’t conceal his uneasiness.It didn’t sit right with him that they’d met someone yesterday, someone he’d known very briefly as a child in the orphanage over a decade ago, and tonight they were sleeping half-dressed together. Sure, Jung Woojin liked him, and he liked Jung Woojin too, but Woojin didn’t know that.From Woojin’s perspective, he was trash—a piece of trash who’d nearly killed him. He couldn’t fathom why Woojin was so at ease with him, showing no caution.“Do you often go out late at night?”“Why do you ask… do you normally sleep without pants or underwear with friends?”He and Woojin had already seen everything there was to see of each other, had done everything there was to do. But this Woojin wasn’t the Woojin he’d known. And besides, Woojin was still a high school student, a minor. The fact that Woojin asked if it was okay to sleep here, half-dressed in only a T-shirt, made him uncomfortable—not out of any romantic inclination, but because Woojin acted so naturally about it.“No.”If he did that kind of thing with anyone, anywhere, he would’ve been horrified. But Woojin’s answer came as a relief.“Right? It’s just because you came unexpectedly, right?”“Hyung.”“Hmm?”“Do people cry here a lot?”As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could finally see Woojin. He was sitting with his bare legs poking out from the blanket, looking at him.“You mistook me for someone else earlier, didn’t you?”“…”He didn’t know what to say. He had mistaken him… though, technically, he had mistaken him for a different Woojin. They were different people, but they were both Woojin.When he didn’t respond, Woojin repeated the question like a parrot.“Do they come here to cry often?”“…Um…”“Do they come here every night, crying? They know the door code? Do they come in so often it doesn’t even surprise you anymore?”The barrage of questions left him speechless. What could he possibly say? He briefly wondered if he should just tell Woojin the truth, that he was right, and that the other Woojin was his partner. But he quickly dismissed the idea.“Hyung.”No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t think of an answer. As he turned his head in discomfort, Woojin spoke out of the blue.“I’m going to study abroad.”“Abroad?”The sudden news made him widen his eyes. Woojin wriggled under the blanket, curling up and turning his back on him, looking so small.“I’m not coming back.”“Just like that?”“It’s not sudden. I’ve been planning it for a while.”Going abroad suddenly? Had Woojin done that before? He didn’t know enough about Woojin’s high school days to say anything for certain. While Woojin said he wasn’t coming back, he knew they’d gone to the same college, so it couldn’t be permanent.“Oh… Where are you going?”“Why do you care? Are you going to come find me?”“I don’t even have a passport. Or money.”“…”Hearing Woojin’s grumpy tone didn’t anger him. He watched Woojin huddle up under the blanket, then reached out, placing his hand over his head. He felt Woojin’s body tremble under the blanket.“When are you going?”“…”“You’re not leaving right away, are you?”Was he really going? What if he actually did? He was already so confused about everything; if Woojin left too, could he even handle it? Or should he go find him, like Woojin had once found him, and pretend it was a coincidence?As he was seriously debating this, a small voice reached him.“From tomorrow, I won’t come here.”“Won’t come where?”“Here. I won’t be coming here.”The talk of studying abroad and this new statement were both so abrupt. Earlier, Woojin had said he came because he couldn’t tell if this was a dream. Had he actually come just to say this? Was he serious, or just saying it?If he was really leaving, he’d be in trouble. Would Woojin listen if he told him not to go? Surely he wouldn’t leave if he asked him to stay, right?He had this strange conviction that if he told Woojin not to leave, he wouldn’t. This Woojin wasn’t the one he’d known, but Woojin was still Woojin. He wouldn’t just leave him. And wasn’t Woojin in love with him? Or… did Woojin dislike him? Maybe he was trying to.He remembered the time Woojin had cried and said things he could never forget. He didn’t have the heart to ask why. Even years later, Woojin’s feelings were raw as if everything had happened just yesterday. What was Woojin feeling now? He couldn’t even imagine.He wanted to say, “Why don’t we just live together from now on?” But he didn’t even know what his current situation was. Would he continue living here? Or, if he closed his eyes and opened them again, would he return to his original world?If this was a dream, it would end when he woke up. But if it wasn’t…“Weren’t you curious about how I was doing?”A small voice broke through the silence. He turned and saw Woojin still curled up like a pill bug.“Did you ever think of me?”He couldn’t respond to the bitter voice. It would’ve been easy to say, “I thought about you a lot. I missed you.” But that would be a lie. He had completely forgotten Woojin, never remembered him, and didn’t even recognize him when he saw him.“I know you didn’t.”“…”“No matter where I go, you won’t come looking for me, will you?”“That’s…”He was about to deny it, but Woojin interrupted, cutting him off.“I didn’t think about you much either.”Woojin’s words were filled with falsehoods.“It’s true that you were kind to me back then. So, one day, I thought of you and decided to look for you. I just wanted to say thank you if I met you. That’s all.”“…”“Now that I know you’re doing well, that’s enough. We’re not the type to meet and have a nice meal together. We only knew each other for a short time as kids…”If he hadn’t known about Woojin’s life, this would’ve sounded like complete nonsense.“But you really never thought of me?”As he rambled on, Woojin suddenly turned and, peeking his face out from the blanket, asked, glancing at him with a pale expression.“No, I didn’t.”“…”It was the truth, so he had no choice but to say it. If he started lying now, he’d have to keep lying. He’d never wanted to lie to Woojin.“I didn’t either.”Woojin turned away, burying his face under the blanket again. His words of denial came out in an angry voice.“I was busy with work, earning a living…”“Enough. I didn’t either.”“No, so it was partly because of that, but…”“I said enough. I knew it would be like this.”His voice grew sharp, as if he was about to get up and leave if he said one more thing.It was true that he was busy working and living, but he had also intentionally kept himself from thinking of Woojin. If a memory of Woojin ever tried to surface, he would force himself to think of something else or physically tire himself out.When you think about it, that’s how it was. I didn’t forget Jung Woojin; I just tried deliberately not to think about him because I wanted to forget.But thinking about it now, I did think of him occasionally, right? I would quickly shift my thoughts to something else when I remembered. I pondered for a moment and then corrected myself late.“Actually, I thought about it a few times.”“That’s enough.”“It’s true. Just for a moment, though.”The round blanket ball started to rustle and move. As I contemplated whether to touch the strands of hair that peeked out from the blanket, Jung Woojin asked.“What were you thinking about?”“Huh?”“You said you thought of me. What were you thinking about?”Just for a moment, his face popped into my mind and then disappeared like smoke in the air. When time passed and I forgot what he looked like, I recalled the voice that called my name, and when I could no longer remember that voice, I thought of the warmth of his hand that held mine.“You cried because you didn’t want to eat the frog.”“…….”“You cried a lot back then. You were screaming.”I said it while laughing, but Jung Woojin didn’t respond at all. Since I couldn’t see his face, I had no way of knowing what he was thinking.“Are you still afraid of frogs?”“I’m not scared. I wasn’t crying because I was scared back then.”“Then why were you crying?”“…….”I asked again, smiling with a slightly higher voice than before, but there was no answer. It was so funny that my smile wouldn’t fade. What else had happened? As I thought to myself, Jung Woojin suddenly came to mind, stepping on and killing a cicada.What did he say back then while killing the cicada? Ah, now that I think about it, he really was a bit unusual since he was young. As I recalled his dark eyes looking at me, asking why you shouldn’t kill cicadas, cold sweat ran down my back.“I thought about you sometimes too.”“You said you didn’t before.”“I just thought about it for a moment.”Watching him repeat exactly what I said a moment ago, I felt like it didn’t matter whether it was about the cicada or whatever; what we did back then was irrelevant.“You smiled at me.”“I did? When?”“When you told me to come over.”Come over? When was that? I couldn’t remember, but he must have told me to come over many times; I probably didn’t smile every time. I was tilting my head, unable to remember, when Jung Woojin continued.“When we made a toad house out of sand.”“A toad house?”“When I dropped my spoon while eating, you gave me yours.”“Ah…”Did that happen? They were such trivial things that I couldn’t remember any of the specific ones Jung Woojin mentioned. I just nodded silently, but he started chattering again as if he still had more to say.“You hugged me when you woke me up in the morning. I was scared of the swing, and you told me not to ride it. When you called my name and smiled at me, when you said goodnight at night, when we were secretly sleeping in the hallway and you got cold, so you took the tablecloth off and covered me with it, when I fell and cried, when I said I missed mom, and when I didn’t want to eat kimchi, you told me to eat it… Ah, at that time, you didn’t smile; you hit my head to tell me to eat evenly.”“…….”No, this didn’t seem like just a momentary thought. As I was taken aback by the endless stream of words that kept coming out, Jung Woojin spoke in a calm voice.“Back then, you liked me a lot.”“What?”“…….”I thought I misheard his softly murmured words and asked again, but Jung Woojin started to say something else.“You were just looking at the sky on stormy days when it thundered. When I couldn’t sleep because I hated the loud noise, I would get into the blanket with you and hold your hand.”Ah, I remember that. I wasn’t scared of the thunder, but I was particularly sensitive to loud noises, so I would get startled. It was because I felt sorry for him that I slept with him a few times in the blanket.“In the summer, it was really hot, and we got scolded for playing with water. We soaked all the laundry. In winter, we buried the roasted sweet potatoes in the snow to eat later, and the next day, when I was eating them, your tooth fell out.”Ah, I think I was already about to lose it at that time, and I bit into something hard. I had completely forgotten about it, but as I listened, memories started to come back one by one. After that, Jung Woojin kept talking non-stop about things I couldn’t even remember.It was stories of really, really trivial days, like how he laughed when he stepped on fallen leaves while walking.“The director called us, but you told me not to go. I wonder if it would have been okay if I hadn’t gone that time.”Such ordinary day stories began to gradually fill with regret over time.“When you told me to eat evenly, it would have been okay if I had eaten well and hadn’t done the things you told me not to do. There was nothing great about it. I didn’t do anything that bad, and we didn’t fight.”“…….”“So all those little things piled up day by day, and in the end, you couldn’t take it anymore. You kept holding it in, and I didn’t know, and then you exploded.”Jung Woojin was talking about how my behavior suddenly changed when we were young. I had talked about this before. Back then, Jung Woojin had said something similar to what he was saying now. He said he hadn’t done anything wrong, but he acted as if it were all his fault.If I had done this then. If I had just done a little more. If I hadn’t done that then.I kept recalling the situation back then, applying countless assumptions, unable to escape from them.“You didn’t do anything wrong.”Jung Woojin spoke in a calm voice.“It’s all in the past anyway; I didn’t bring it up to judge right or wrong.”“…….”“I just suddenly thought of it and said it.”His voice was even more muffled than before. I wanted to see what kind of expression he had, what he was thinking while saying this to me. If I could, I would have forcibly grabbed his shoulder and turned him toward me, but strangely, my hands wouldn’t move.This kid was a bit younger, weaker, and smaller than the Jung Woojin I knew. While trying so hard to dislike me, he was a kid who didn’t even know what he was saying to me. He looked so fragile that I couldn’t treat him the same way I usually did with Jung Woojin, as if he would be torn apart by my slightest mistake.I kept trying to choose words and create sentences in my mind, repeating it several times.“What you did back then wasn’t wrong, and that’s not why you did it.”“Then do people just suddenly start to dislike someone for no reason?”I thought he would tell me to stop, but a sharp remark came out. At that, I finally reached out and pulled the blanket away.“You dislike me…”I was trying to say that it wasn’t because he disliked me, but suddenly, a loud noise began to ring. The only sound I could hear in the quiet space, which was otherwise filled with nothing but faint raindrops, was something that sounded like it would tear my ears apart, causing me to curse instinctively.Shit, that startled me. I tried to calm my racing heart and looked for my phone. Who is it at this hour? I frowned at the word ‘boss’ that appeared on the screen. Since the name is boss, it must be someone from my part-time job, but why are they calling me at this hour? Did I have work somewhere at dawn?When I didn’t answer the call, Jung Woojin propped himself up and sat up.“Aren’t you going to answer?”“Huh? Ah, I should.”“Who is it?”“Um….”I didn’t even know. It was my boss, but… After thinking about it, there was no answer, so I pressed the call button.“Hello?”— Seoju?“Yes.”What should I say? I felt like I shouldn’t ask who it was, so I answered briefly and waited for the other person to speak. But no matter how long I waited, I couldn’t hear a voice, so I checked my screen for a moment. It wasn’t disconnected, and the time was still ticking up.“Hello?”— Do you have nothing to say?“Excuse me?”When I asked back, my eyes wide open at the sound that seemed to have given up, I heard a sigh.— I knew you were working a lot, so I was lenient, but what if you don’t show up without saying anything? Talking about this will only hurt both of us, so I won’t drag it out. You don’t have to come in from tomorrow, and I’ll transfer the payment for the days you worked by the end of this month.“Ah… Oh, yes… I’m sorry.”— You’ll have another job, but don’t do this next time, okay?“Yes, I’m sorry.”— Okay, good luck.“Yes….”I stared blankly at the phone after it hung up and turned my head to look at Jung Woojin. He was staring back at me, his eyes wide, as if he were just as surprised.“Did you not go because of me?”“Huh? No, that’s not it.”I didn’t have a job; I wasn’t someone who could just drop everything to play. I bit my lip and lowered my head. My body felt heavy, and I didn’t want to let it go, not wanting to go back and forth in the past, regretting it more. Jung Woojin asked quietly.“Do you want to leave?”“I….”I wanted to say no. I wanted to be here, next to Jung Woojin, to talk about this and that, to make more memories instead of trying to cover them up. But even while thinking that, my mind was already drifting back to reality.The reality I didn’t want to go back to.When I didn’t answer, Jung Woojin quietly nodded and said nothing more. I felt suffocated. The heaviness of silence filled the space, and I couldn’t breathe properly. I felt my heart race, almost to the point of choking me.As I held my breath, I let the air out slowly.＊ ＊ ＊It was past dawn when I opened my eyes again. Jung Woojin was asleep, and in his sleep, he had pulled the blanket over his head and curled up like a small ball. I found it a little cute and smiled for some reason. He looked so defenseless, like someone who had no strength to hurt anyone.I quietly got up and glanced at the time. It was a little past seven. I thought I should let him sleep a little longer, but I couldn’t sleep anymore. I started to feel anxious again, and the feeling of reality I had tried to forget began to reappear. I stepped out into the living room, rubbing my eyes, and took a deep breath. It was bright outside.I had completely forgotten about my phone call, but the moment I turned on my phone, I had a missed call and a message from my boss. I felt like a kid who had been scolded by their parents. I didn’t want to check the contents of the message, but since I had no other choice, I opened it.The message was brief.[If you’re not feeling well, let me know; you can take a break.]I couldn’t figure out what to say to him, so I just stared blankly at the screen. No, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have anything to say. Why was I feeling guilty? I didn’t even know.“Why did I end up like this?”I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. I leaned against the wall, my back pressed against it, trying to hold back my laughter. I laughed for a while, then rubbed my face with my hands. There was no use in thinking about things that were already over. I had nothing left to say, and I knew I had to go back.When I was about to take my phone to reply, I suddenly heard a noise. I turned my head toward the sound, thinking it was Jung Woojin. He was mumbling something in his sleep.What was it? I leaned in a little closer to listen.“I told you not to come…”My heart sank at his words.He was muttering something like he was trying to comfort someone. I stared blankly at him for a while and then felt an unexpected emotion welling up in me. I closed my eyes tightly and let out a long breath.What was this? Why did I suddenly feel sad? I didn’t know why it was so hard.I just wanted to laugh. I just wanted to leave behind all these regrets and the memories that kept me tied to the past. I felt so miserable; I wanted to disappear.“I feel like I should.”“Why? What for? Are you sick? What’s going on?”Jung Woojin leaned toward me, propping himself up with his hands on the floor.“It’s not that I’m sick, I just… want to take a break.”“Why all of a sudden?”If someone like me suddenly decided to quit everything, it would be strange to think about it. For someone who barely has anything, scraping by day by day, it would seem like a major problem had come up.“Something came up.”“What kind of thing?”“Just… no, do you know or not? I got fired from my part-time job at the bar yesterday, and the place that called me just now also let me go. Is there anywhere else besides here?”Jung Woojin knew me better than I knew myself right now. But he didn’t seem inclined to answer.“I don’t know. Why would you even ask me something like that? Why do you think I would know?”“You knew the password to my house.”At my words, Jung Woojin hesitated for a moment, his mouth moving but not saying anything, and finally stammered out a response.“I just guessed it.”“Then guess this too.”“……”After a brief silence, it seemed Jung Woojin made a decision and nervously began to speak, glancing at me.“There’s a bar in xx-dong, and a convenience store next to the pharmacy on the main road that’s open late… and on the weekends, there’s a meat place by the xx-dong police station intersection…”If he wanted to hide something, he could just keep saying he didn’t know, but he actually told me all that. I had asked, but I didn’t expect him to answer so easily, so I was a bit taken aback. It didn’t surprise me that he actually knew.“You told me, so you should tell me why this is happening.”“……”“Why? What’s going on? Is it because of that person you said kept coming over and crying? A friend? A school sunbae or a junior? Or is it a girlfriend?”As I spoke, I got so excited that I grabbed his shoulders and started shaking him like an interrogation. As I looked at his hand tightly gripping my shoulder, I grabbed his wrist.I could see neatly trimmed nails at the end of his long, finger-like hands. His white hands, spotless of any dirt, looked especially large compared to his small frame. Even though his body was so small, did his hands just happen to be that big? I was absentmindedly fiddling with his hands, which looked no different from what I knew, when Jung Woojin stiffened and opened his mouth.“What are you doing?”With a serious expression, he stared at my hand gripping his. When I didn’t say anything, his gaze shifted to me, as if it were creaking. The moment our eyes met, Jung Woojin suddenly closed his eyes tightly. His eyelashes fluttered as he squeezed them shut.“You said you weren’t coming here starting tomorrow.”“……”“You said you were going abroad and wouldn’t come back to Korea, so why are you so curious about this?”“……”Holding back the urge to touch his trembling eyelashes, I finally spoke.“You’re going abroad tomorrow…”But I couldn’t continue. I faltered, my words trailing off, and eventually fell silent. I couldn’t even remember what I was going to say. In an instant, my mind went blank, and my vision blurred.What did I just see? I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them again, looking at Jung Woojin. He was still with his eyes closed, not moving an inch with my hand holding his wrist.And the hem of the clothes draped over his thighs had ridden up. I knew exactly what it was and why it was like that.That was an erection. His genitalia had stiffened, pressing up against his clothing…“……”“……”As I stared blankly and thought about it, I suddenly panicked and let go of his hand. Jung Woojin’s eyes flew open, staring at me.“Sor…”“……”What the hell? Why is it suddenly like this? I couldn’t say the words that were swirling inside me. As time passed and I saw the moisture gathering in his eyes, I felt like this place was a bed of thorns.“No…”“……”“No, why all of a sudden…”Why? That was the biggest question. Why is this happening all of a sudden? Why? I couldn’t even speak properly from disbelief, but Jung Woojin turned the blame on me.“You touched me weirdly.”“Hey, speak properly. It sounds like I sexually assaulted you. And what do you mean ‘weirdly’? What did I touch weirdly?”“You were stroking me.”“Are you out of your mind? When did I ever do that?”When I shouted, Jung Woojin bit his lip. Watching him look like he had no intention of moving, I tried to remain as calm as possible.“Okay. I get it, so just handle that first. Do you want to go to the bathroom? Or should I just leave? That might be better. I’ll go out and get some fresh air, then…”Just as I was about to stand up hurriedly, Jung Woojin reached out and grabbed me. With tears in his eyes, he looked at me, barely holding on to my collar with his trembling hand, and I couldn’t shake him off.“Where are you going?”“To get some fresh air…”“You won’t come back, will you?”“No, I’ll be back soon.”“I don’t believe you.”“I’ll be back in ten minutes…”“I don’t believe you.”Before I could finish my sentence, Jung Woojin spoke in a choked voice. I realized what it meant to feel like going crazy.“This is our home, right? How could I not come back?”“I don’t believe you.”“No, this is our home…”The grip on my collar was so tight that his knuckles turned white, trembling as they stood out. I felt like I had done nothing, yet I was being treated like the worst scoundrel in the world.“……Hey.”“……”“Jung Woojin.”At my call, Jung Woojin blinked. I saw his long, wet eyelashes briefly stick to his under-eye before falling off.“Okay. I won’t go out, so just take care of that. Cover it up… or calm it down…”I had no idea what I was saying. I squeezed out the words while feeling flustered, but I couldn’t tell if Jung Woojin understood my anxiety, as he hadn’t moved at all since earlier.“Do you want to go to the bathroom?”“What for?”“No, damn it… what do you mean what for? Why are you asking me? You should be the one figuring that out.”He should decide whether to calm it down, get rid of it, or wash it off with cold water. Why was he asking me? I started to seriously wonder if he was acting like a child who couldn’t sleep.Then Jung Woojin lowered his hand. As he let go of my clothes with one hand, he slid his other hand down and inwards, revealing what was barely hidden.I realized that this must be what it feels like to have the ground drop out from under you. I squeezed my eyes shut and turned my head away, hearing a small whimper. I could hear the sound of hands moving, gasping, swallowing, and even the sound of Jung Woojin looking over here.