Lovers

31

Unilaterally Perfect

Not sure what responsibility he meant to take, I couldn’t answer. Riegel lifted my hand. Until he lowered his head, I didn’t understand what he was trying to do. Only after his lips touched did I realize he had kissed my hand.

Surprisingly, I was more shocked by receiving a hand kiss from someone than by receiving physical affection like a kiss from a man. I had always thought that in my life, I would be the one giving hand kisses. But Riegel’s lips on my hand were soft and smooth. Enough to think it wouldn’t be bad if they touched again.

Then he took something out of his vest pocket and tossed it to me. I stared blankly at the object thrown onto my seat. A capsule? I could tell it was an electronic device, but I wasn’t sure of its exact purpose. Seeing my confusion, he said:

“It was implanted in your back. A GPS tracker, it seems.”

What is this, when…

Suddenly I realized. Yes, that day. The day I returned from Maderke. Lee took me separately, and a doctor rode with us. The doctor drew blood from me and also gave me an injection in my back.

I remember what I said then:

“Ah, this feels really weird. Ugh, it feels like something’s going in.”

Yes, it felt like something was going in. Were they really implanting a GPS device? When I grumbled that it felt like something was going in, suddenly the Team 4 staff started talking to me.

“That’s unexpected. I heard the Team 9 leader was really scary.”

“Why, does he seem like a pushover in person?”

“No, not that. Just that you seem familiar somehow. You give off a good feeling.”

It wasn’t an atmosphere where I could say I didn’t know about that. Team 4 took me separately. They implanted a GPS in me. When I felt something being inserted, the staff member in the passenger seat, who had been quiet until then, hurriedly spoke to me. As if trying to distract my attention.

Did Lee Martin really save me?

Or…

I saw Riegel in front of me.

He had been interested in me as soon as he saw me. He stopped in his tracks and stared at me when he saw my face. From then on, Riegel took an interest in me and treated me as an exception. There must have been a reason for that, and perhaps Lee knew that reason.

“By any chance.”

Reason, reason, reason.

The word ‘reason’ echoes in my head. What could have been the reason for Riegel to show interest in me at first sight? How did Lee confirm that? If Lee was sure about it, it would make sense to pull me away and put me on the project. But if he wasn’t sure?

It means Lee had a separate reason for pulling me away and putting me on the project. What could it be?

“Could I possibly hear the reason why you became interested in me? In a way that I can understand.”

Riegel crossed his arms and leaned back against the backrest. His gaze moved from my face to the GPS tracker lying on the seat.

“You’re the one who should be explaining.”

“…”

“It’s a universal truth that the one who falls in love is the weaker party, so I have no choice but to answer. I don’t want you leaving our house and wandering outside in this weather.”

I was a bit surprised by those words.

I had been thinking of leaving this house immediately if Riegel’s answer wasn’t satisfactory. Right now, I can’t trust anyone. Also, I don’t know how much I can protect. I don’t know Riegel’s true identity, but even if he’s innocent, it’s not right to involve a civilian like Riegel when I’m not sure if I can protect him. Of course, there are ex-agents guarding Riegel, but he himself is still a civilian, and even a former kidnapping victim. He seemed to have received long-term treatment for PTSD, so I judged that I shouldn’t be around him.

The same goes for if he’s not innocent; if he’s related to Canaris, I’m no different from sticking my head into a shark’s mouth. Operating with the Security Bureau’s backup and being here with the Department 1 chief of the Security Bureau as my enemy are completely different stories. Moreover, he knows that I’m a Security Bureau agent.

“My first love was a man.”

“I’m not in the mood to hear nonsense—”

“This is the most important story of my life, so if you use the word ‘nonsense’ one more time, I won’t forgive even you.”

Riegel’s eyes gleamed coldly. He’s serious. As I slowly nodded, he tapped the armrest of his chair. After a moment of choosing his words, he finally spoke.

“His name is Lee Shin-yeon. He’s… a soldier. A good person.”

Riegel’s eyes were looking far away as he pronounced the unfamiliar foreign name, Lee Shin-yeon.

“Diligent… surprisingly stubborn. But he always chooses the right path. He doesn’t care whether the world acknowledges it or not. Even that aspect of him is dazzling.”

I’m not sure where Riegel’s eyes are looking, but I understand what they’re saying. Regardless of how this story ends, he is in love. This man named Lee Shin-yeon is a precious, perfect, beautiful love for him. Riegel’s face when talking about Shin-yeon is like my father’s when mentioning God. An unquestioning love.

I can’t understand why my father loves God. Because God hasn’t done anything for my father. But my father loves God. It’s not that my father follows God because of what God does for him. God is my father’s light, life, and compass just by existing. Existence. No, even just the record of having existed is enough for my father to stake his life on. I knew by watching my father.

Some love is enough just being one-sided.

And sometimes, a relationship is perfected precisely because it’s one-sided rather than mutual.

I asked Riegel, who was reciting how beautiful, excellent, delicate, and lovable this man Lee Shin-yeon was:

“Does that man know you?”

God probably doesn’t know of my father’s existence. That’s why my father’s love is complete. If God knew of my father’s existence, if He responded even a little, if that response deviated even slightly from my father’s expectations, my father might be disappointed.

But God doesn’t respond. And my father interprets God’s will with his own thoughts. In my father’s world, God is perfect. Because He doesn’t respond.

Riegel looked at me. With frozen eyes. Those eyes became the answer.

Yes, such love is completed by the absence of a ‘response’.

“Given the name Lee Shin-yeon, he seems to be Asian, and since you said he’s a man, I guess he resembles me. Were you happy to meet a substitute for the man you like?”

I wasn’t being sarcastic. I asked sincerely. My father can’t help it because his love is for God, but you’re human, so you should have approached him yourself. Whether you’re gay or a pervert, it’s not my business. And I have no intention of listening to you whine about such things. Of course, our country is conservative and not a good environment for homosexuals to live in. But for a man with as much money and power as Riegel to whine just because he’s homosexual, my current situation is too tight to listen to that.

“A substitute, you say. That’s harsh.”

Riegel laughed. While trying not to show he was hurt. Which made him look even more hurt.

“If you don’t approach the person themselves and cling to someone similar, what else would you call it—”

“He’s dead.”

Riegel squeezed out the words. Long ago. The words he added next were as quiet as a whisper. At that moment, I was at a loss for words.

A dead lover. And a similar person appearing before him.

Now I could understand why Riegel couldn’t take his eyes off me at that moment. As I was fumbling for words, not knowing what to say, a tear fell from Riegel’s eye.

“He said he’d die with me, but he died first.”

There was a rumbling sound from outside the window. It seems I’ve stepped on a landmine.

That night, Riegel told me to rest and left me alone. I, who couldn’t say anything, naturally couldn’t stop Riegel either.

After watching him disappear and spending the night anxiously, I brightened up when I heard a knock in the morning, but the person who came in wasn’t Riegel.

It was a young woman. A woman estimated to be about the same age as Viviana Dogen.

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Schnieke. I’m Birde Efroy.”

Silver hair, blue eyes, and skin so white it was almost painful to look at. She was quite beautiful. And without realizing it, I thought she must be the second most beautiful person in this mansion after Riegel, and felt a bit ashamed. After causing such pain last night, to be thinking about beauty now, I need to reflect… But he is beautiful, that’s true. I should speak truthfully.

But I should still reflect.

Even though I didn’t answer, Efroy didn’t blink an eye.

“From today, I will be working as Mr. Schnieke’s assistant for the time being. So please feel free to tell me about anything you need.”

“For example?”

It was meant to ask, “What use are you?”, but the response was quite bold.

“Like helping you bathe?”

I’m not good at winning these kinds of verbal sparring matches. I shrank again. I can handle well when pointing guns at people who are shooting, but for some reason, I can’t win in verbal battles with people from the humanities…

“I can manage that much on my own—”

“If you say so.”

There was no room for even a needle in Efroy’s smiling face. It seemed too late to say something like, “You’re not needed, get out and let me see Riegel.” And I was also a bit uncomfortable about seeing Riegel.

I couldn’t sleep at all, kept thinking about the tear falling from Riegel’s eye last night. Riegel’s eyes were almond-shaped, elongated but quite large, so his pupils were clearly visible. It was too surreal to see those eyes fill with tears, form droplets, and fall. I would have preferred Riegel saying he had been with another man.

“Why are you crying—”

“Excuse me? I’m not crying.”

Oops, I must have spoken out loud without realizing it. I hurriedly shook my head.

“No, no. I’m not talking about you, Ms. Efroy.”

“Ah, you’re the type to talk to yourself. I’ll make a note of that.”

I don’t think I’m the type to talk to myself, but what excuse should I make? Efroy was even taking notes on her tablet. After finishing her notes, Efroy said:

“Let me tell you today’s schedule. It’s currently 7:06 AM. A car will be waiting for you to leave for the cafe at 10:45 AM, and when you finish work at 8 PM, you’ll take the waiting car to the hospital. The hospital checkup is expected to take about 40 minutes, after which you’ll return home. Are there any changes to the schedule?”

Only then did I remember about the cafe. As thoughts of work, the operation, Department 2, and Nina Volkari’s terrifying gaze came to mind, I unknowingly opened my mouth.

The Department 2 chief might really cut off my head this time. Layer would be cheering.