Lovers

33

Crying is more beautiful than being pretty

Riegel showed no change in expression when he saw me. He neither called out to me nor asked why I had come, just silently stared. It seemed the conversation would progress slowly. Since it was obvious I wouldn’t be able to make it to work on time, I sent a message to Baral saying I couldn’t come in today. When I said I needed to talk with Riegel, Baral simply replied okay without any complaints.

Of course. After all, our operation to save the white sparrow was still ongoing, and my role was to get close to Riegel. In that sense, today could be called quite meaningful.

In any case, wasn’t I now face to face with an unguarded Riegel? You could say I’d narrowed the psychological distance somewhat.

I brought a chair and sat in front of Riegel’s bed. I turned on my phone, but there wasn’t much to look at. It was clear that whatever I did on this phone would be monitored, so there was very little I could do. Then my gaze suddenly went to the antique telephone in Riegel’s room.

“Is that thing usable by any chance?”

At my words, Riegel glanced at where I was pointing and nodded. As if even answering was bothersome.

“Then I’ll use it a bit.”

I informed him and picked up the receiver. Wow, it feels like my first time using a receiver like this. The elegant phone that looked like two cups stuck together was beautiful to look at, but rather inconvenient to use. Moreover, it wasn’t a button type but a rotary dial.

That meant I’d have to dial all those numbers one by one with the rotary to get into my voicemail.

Buttons really were a great invention.

As I kept turning the dial, I thought anew about how merciful the advancement of science has been to humans. I wanted to think about such things to forget the current gloominess a bit and have some hope. But there was nothing in the voicemail. Only the one message I had left remained.

If anyone alive had heard this message, they would have given some signal, but there was nothing.

Is Walter… still alive?

For a moment, I had an impulse. What’s the point of staying here? Let’s go find Walter. We could escape together, or take revenge…

Stop thinking crazy thoughts.

Reason grabbed the impulsive thoughts by the hair and pressed them to the ground. What’s at the end of that? Think of Romberg’s father. Think of the orphanage brothers. If you disappear, they’ll face retaliation.

I need information, lots of information… Wait, come to think of it.

I had received information about Josef Kuno and his father… August. That must have been left in my clothes.

“Where are my belongings?”

When I asked after putting down the receiver, Riegel answered with his eyes still closed, as if even opening them was bothersome.

“With Birde.”

The “Ask her” was implied. Ah, no. Maybe it’s not that opening his eyes is bothersome, but he can only do one of either opening his eyes to look at me or opening his mouth to speak? Is that all the strength he has?

I felt displeased.

Depression, lethargy, I know about such things, but I’ve never experienced them firsthand. The people around me who suffered from such symptoms would drink alcohol, or be violent to those around them, or get high on drugs… That’s how it usually developed. I’ve never seen someone just lying languidly like this, staring blankly. Although the word might seem a bit old-fashioned in this day and age, it was very aristocratic.

“Is it depression?”

When I asked, there was a “pft” sound. It was a different kind of chuckle than usual. It was closer to the sound of air slightly leaking from lungs rather than laughter.

“People don’t usually ask that so directly.”

“Usually, people get up from bed when someone comes. If you don’t get up, you’re a patient.”

“Do you ask patients their diagnosis?”

“Don’t you?”

What, am I the weird one here?

But when you visit someone in the hospital, don’t you say things like “What did the doctor say?” How is this any different from a hospital visit? He’s lying in bed unable to move, and I had to come all the way to his bedside.

He closed his mouth now as if even answering was bothersome. I looked down at him.

You can fall in love again, right? They say you forget love with another love. Why didn’t you confess to that person? That person probably liked you too. All of this is meaningless, so get up and…

It was clear that any consolation would be meaningless.

What’s your relationship with Canaris? I don’t have time to deal with your depression or whatever right now. My life is being threatened, and my kids might all be dead. So could you please get up and move a bit more quickly?

Of course, I couldn’t say that either. My concerns wouldn’t make his symptoms fly away just because I poured them out. My circumstances are just my situation.

Riegel, who looked like he didn’t care whether I left or stayed, just kept his eyes closed with a pale face. I asked impulsively.

“Are you eating?”

He didn’t answer.

“You gave me alcohol that time.”

“…”

“It wasn’t bad. Actually, it was really good. I was feeling… not so great that day. But after drinking that alcohol, the next day felt livable. I don’t know how much it costs or what it’s called or where it’s sold, so I can’t buy it for you.”

Saying this makes me sound really shameless. I can’t buy it for you, but I can drink it with you. Want to drink together? But you have to pay. It’s your alcohol.

Ah, it’s so shameless that the words stopped halfway through on their own. As I was unable to say anything, Riegel sat up.

“Let’s drink.”

The way Riegel’s hair fell was artistic. When I first saw that long hair, I thought he was crazy, but maybe it’s because I’ve seen it so often now, I think it suits him. I still can’t like men with hair down to their waist, but I thought Sebastian Riegel alone could keep that hair.

Just as the inside viewed through a half-lowered curtain seems more mysterious, Riegel’s beautiful face seen between his long hair was even more beautiful.

With a face that could be called beautiful without a trace of shame, Riegel added:

“Until we die.”

I realized a bit late that he meant let’s drink until we die.

Shit, looking like some fairy tale prince!

“Drink.”

“Hey, wait, I, I think I’ve had too much, wait, sto—mmph.”

Don’t put the bottle neck directly in my mouth, hey, hey!

He was even putting it in my mouth, not his own. I tried to grab the bottle and push Riegel away, but he was surprisingly strong. He was strong enough that it would be difficult for me to push him away with pure strength alone, so I’d need to use some technique to push him away. That is, I’d need to use skill, but my position was a bit… ugh, I think I’m going to throw up…

“Don’t throw up.”

I realized anew. Riegel was not a delicate and fragile young master. I thought Riegel would play the “person” role in “Bears tear people apart,” but it seems he plays the “bear” role. Wow, is he the same type as Baral?

Riegel forced me to drink, threatening to make me drink double if I threw up. I haven’t seen such an uncivilized person in a long time. There aren’t many guys like you even in our industry!

“You said you’d drink.”

At those words, I drank with gritted teeth. Satisfied that I had drunk enough, Riegel finally let go of the bottle. Only then could I put the bottle down.

“Hey, you…”

“I love you.”

Riegel muttered.

We had been drinking since morning, but outside it had already grown dark. Drinking while sitting on floor chairs was somehow unique. Why does sitting closer to the floor make people more vulnerable?

The low table was by the window, so we could see outside. Riegel’s garden lit up when it got dark. The garden beautifully illuminated by garden lights was exotic and unreal. Yes, this place is just like somewhere in a dream.

“I love you.”

Riegel whispered again. It’s not directed at me. It’s not even about now. Words he should have said to someone, probably that “Shin-yeon.” Words he should have said at some point in the past, which he’s now muttering to a similar-looking Asian person, relying on alcohol.

It must have been quite a long time, but I can’t understand how it feels to have to throw a confession that’s been suppressed and hidden for so long just anywhere.

“Melancholy really doesn’t suit you.”

Riegel laughed at my words. He raised his hand to cover his face. I’m not sure if he’s tired or wants to cry.

“He danced once.”

Is it like hip-hop?

“It felt like he might fly away.”

Ballet?

“It also felt like he was bestowing a blessing.”

Riegel’s drunken talk is really elegant. When I drink with my team members, it’s mostly cursing, sexual talk, or silly jokes. An unforgotten unrequited love, a dance that felt like flying away. It’s not easy to adapt.

Above all, love?

Love that can’t be reached, feelings that can’t be conveyed, a person who will never look back, aren’t those things that only appear in novels or movies? Even Jay, the greatest lover I know, didn’t love like that. Jay staked his life and fate on love, but that’s because it was worth trying.

“I would have been fine with it being eternal.”

“Everyone wants good times to last forever.”

Sometimes in life, you feel like everything is perfect. The food is delicious, you’re in sync with the person beside you, the weather is clear, and the world is full of kindness towards you. You wish for such days to last forever, but sometimes you even want to die on such days. Because days like these are so rare. When you think about when such a day will come again, life becomes tiring.

Even so, you really can’t die, that’s life too. It would be a waste of the years you’ve lived and the money you’ve saved to die like that.

“Even if it wasn’t mine, I would have been okay.”

Riegel’s voice was gloomy.

“Even if I could never live in the world again, I would have been okay.”

Despair flowed thickly from him. Tears fell again from his blue eyes. He drank alcohol in anguish and pain. Getting drunk and immersed, he was thinking of someone. Not trying to forget, but struggling not to forget.

You could say he had everything. Just barely in his early 30s. A man with money, looks, health, and above all, a bright future ahead of him, saying he’d be fine with dying just because of love.

Is it because you have money and leisure that you want to stake your life on love?

A slight sneer rose in my heart and quickly disappeared. Yes, no matter how much you criticize, Riegel, fallen in love and writhing in pain, was beautiful. He, collapsing so desperately…

“Crying turns me on. It’s sexier when makeup is ruined from crying than when it’s prettily done up. You don’t know anything.”

I remembered something Walter, that sadist, said once. At that time, I just cursed, “You psycho bastard, you should live alone forever for the sake of womankind!” But now.

Those words of Walter strike a chord.