Modern Family: The Extra Dunphy

INTERVIEW – JOEY DUNPHY

JOEY (leaning against his locker, Buddy's leash in hand): High school's like a bad sitcom. Everyone's either overacting or forgetting their lines. But hey, if Friends taught me anything, it's that you can force six strangers into a coffee shop and call it "family." [Pauses] Still waiting for my Central Perk.

CHEVIOT HILLS HIGH – MORNING

Joey walks through crowded halls, Buddy trotting beside him in a service vest labeled "Emotional Support Architect." Matt waves him down, flanked by two guys and three girls.

MATT (grinning): Joey! Meet the squad. This is Ethan—

ETHAN (sarcastic, adjusting glasses): "Squad"? Are we auditioning for a teen vampire show?

MATT (ignoring him): —Lila, Zoe, and… [points to a guy in a Hawaiian shirt] That's Travis. He followed us from the parking lot.

TRAVIS (cheerful): You said free muffins!

JOEY (deadpan): Why are you all standing like the Breakfast Club poster?

LILA (Type A, clipboard in hand): Matt said you're "the smartest guy who hates people." We're starting a study group. You're in.

JOEY: I'd rather dissect a frog. Alone.

ZOE (quirky, twirling a ukulele): Frogs are friends! [Plucks a sad chord]

INTERVIEW – LILA CARTER

LILA: Joey's like a human Roomba. He avoids everyone but somehow cleans up our chaos.

LIBRARY – LUNCH PERIOD

The group crowds a table. Joey organizes highlighters by Pantone codes while Lila, stares at Buddy.

Lila (monotone): Your dog's judging me.

JOEY: He's judging your eyeliner. It's asymmetrical.

ETHAN (snorting): Wow, the dog's got OCD too.

JOEY (ignoring him): Why are we "studying" if Travis is literally eating glue?

TRAVIS (mouth full): It's paste. For my collage on… [squints at paper] …the Cold War?

ZOE (suddenly): Joey, what's your trauma?

[Silence. The group stares.]

JOEY: …I'm trapped in a montage of your bad decisions.

INTERVIEW – TRAVIS MILLER

TRAVIS (grinning): Joey's my hero. He once fixed my bike with a gum wrapper and a sigh.

DUNPHY HOUSE – AFTER SCHOOL

The group spills into the living room. Haley gapes from the stairs as Joey reluctantly hands out graph-paper study guides.

HALEY (whispering to Alex): Since when does Joey have friends?!

ALEX (sipping soda): They're not friends. They're hostages.

LILA (to Joey): Your house is… aggressively beige.

JOEY: It's "taupe," and I designed it at age nine. Fight me.

ZOE (plopping on the couch): This couch has seen suffering.

PHIL (bursting in with a selfie stick): Joey's friends! Group photo! Say "Property Value!"

[The group freezes as Phil snaps a pic. Buddy barks.]

INTERVIEW – PHIL DUNPHY

PHIL (teary): My little guy's all grown up and… [sniffs] …still organizing their snacks by fiber content.

SCHOOL CAFETERIA – NEXT DAY

The group claims a table. Joey unwraps a bento box while Zoe plucks how ukulele and starts singing a song about Joey.

JOEY (raising an eyebrow): Is this a threat?

ZOE: It's a "thank you." You fixed my quiz grade.

ETHAN (mocking): Aww, Joey's got a minstrel admirer.

JOEY (dry): And you've got the charisma of a parking ticket.

LILA (slamming a planner): SAT prep starts Monday. My house. 7 PM. [Glances at Joey] Bring your… [waves at Buddy] emotional support ego.

MATT (whispering to Joey): Dude, they like you. Even Ethan.

JOEY (grumbling): Liking me isn't a personality trait.

INTERVIEW – ZOE PARK

ZOE: Joey's like a grumpy cat meme. You keep waiting for him to hiss, but then he buys you tacos.

LILA'S HOUSE – STUDY NIGHT

The group sprawls across Lila's pristine living room. Joey adjusts a crooked painting on the wall.

LILA (annoyed): Stop fixing my house!

JOEY: Your feng shui is haunting me.

TRAVIS (holding up a textbook): Who's Pythagoras and why's he so triangle-y?

JOEY (pinching bridge of nose): I'd explain, but I value my will to live.

ZOE (strumming ukulele): ♪ Joey's got a heart of stone… but it's got a dog-shaped hole… ♫

JOEY: Stop. Or I'll redesign your chords into a cease-and-desist.

[The group laughs. Joey hides a smile.]

INTERVIEW – JOEY DUNPHY

JOEY: I used to think friends were like optional updates. Turns out, they're the malware that… [pauses, softens] …makes the system better.

FINAL SCENE – SCHOOL HALLWAY

The group walks together, Joey trailing behind. Ethan throws an arm around his shoulders.

ETHAN: Admit it. We're your Ross and Rachel.

JOEY: More like Chandler and the people who tolerate Chandler.

[The bell rings. Joey glances at his old blueprint sketches in his notebook, then at the group. He tears out a page, folds it into a paper airplane, and launches it down the hall.]

POST-CREDITS INTERVIEW – BUDDY

[A dog's-eye view of the group walking away. Joey's voice: "You're part of the chaos now, huh?"]

[Text overlay: "Could this BE any more forced?" (Spoiler: Yes.)]