My Cheat System Thinks I'm a Playboy?!

It started with peace. Which should have been my first red flag.

System: [New Mission: Attend Spa Retreat With Harem Members To Improve Bonding Level] Reward: +1 Relationship Tier (random girl), Relaxation Buff Penalty: Slipped Towel Incident – Triggered At Random]

I didn't like how "random" was in all caps.

Still, a free spa trip? Hot springs? Food? No enemies, explosions, or pervy missions (yet)? I packed my bag faster than you can say "massage oils."

Cynthia, Luna, Nari, and Akira (because of course Akira came) were already waiting at the van like it was a school field trip.

"I call window seat," Luna said.

"I call sitting farthest from Akira," I said at the same time.

Akira pouted. "You wound me, my darling steamy spongecake."

"Never call me that again."

The spa was called "Tranquility Haven."

By "tranquil," they meant "a literal palace with gold koi ponds, bamboo forests, and mood lighting that made me feel like I owed someone money."

We were welcomed by a girl in a kimono, who handed us towels and offered a tea that tasted like flowers and regret.

Then we were shown the baths.

[Alert: Mixed Bath Mode Available. Activating Challenge Option: "Test Your Willpower!"] Reward: +2 Willpower, 1 Gacha Ticket Penalty: Nosebleed KO – Immediate Respawn at Lobby in Towel Only]

Before I could scream "NO," everyone voted yes.

"I trust Ethan to behave," Luna said sweetly.

"He's pathetic enough," Cynthia added.

"You're all monsters," I whispered.

Inside the hot spring, steam rose like dramatic tension. Everyone slipped in, and I did my best to keep my eyes focused on the floating rubber duck someone left behind.

Akira floated by on a foam pool noodle, sipping tea. "You're tense. Need help loosening up?"

"I will drown you."

"Flirty!"

Then it happened.

[WARNING: Random Penalty Triggered – Slipped Towel Event Imminent]

"NOPE," I yelled, flinging myself backwards out of the pool like a dolphin escaping a predator.

Unfortunately, I tripped. Onto Cynthia. Who fell into Luna. Who splashed Nari. Who elbowed Akira. Who knocked over the tea tray.

Result: Total chaos.

"YOU IDIOT!" Cynthia shouted, soaked and scowling.

Luna tried to maintain a smile. Failed.

Akira somehow ended up with a loofah on his head, doing the Macarena.

And me?

[Penalty Applied: Respawn at Lobby in Towel Only – Complete With 'Wet Hair Sparkle Filter']

I was a walking anime trope.

After that disaster, we moved to the massage room. The system had one more surprise.

[Mini-Game Initiated: Pick The Right Oil] Win: Calming Effect Lose: Slippery Chaos (Literally)]

I picked the wrong one.

Cue me sliding across the floor, crashing into a row of candles, and setting off a fire alarm.

We were banned from Tranquility Haven.

But we got free coupons.

System: [Mission Complete. Relationship Tier Increased: Luna → "Mildly Protective"] Bonus: +1 Charm – You Somehow Still Looked Cute During The Chaos]

I stared at the screen, towel barely clinging to life.

"Why am I like this?"

Akira: "Because the plot demands it~"