Naruto: The No-Life King

Chapter 2: The Senju's Wild Card

The Grand Boredom, A.K.A. The Council Meeting

The council chamber was filled with the usual suspects, Hiruzen Sarutobi sat at the head, looking as old and tired as ever. To his left, the Elders, Danzo, Homura, and Koharu, were already arguing amongst themselves about the same old nonsense. The Clan Heads sat in their designated seats, looking varying degrees of bored, irritated, or both. 

And then there was Integra Senju, leaning back in her chair, puffing on a cigar, and questioning whether she should start drinking. 

It was another wonderfully tedious council meeting. 

---

Topic One: Chūnin Exams , Or "Remember That Time Kumo Tried to Kidnap a Child?"

"The first issue," Hiruzen began, rubbing his temples, "is this year's Chūnin Exams. Kumo has extended an invitation to participate." 

The room fell silent.

Then, simultaneously, every single clan head turned to look at Hiashi Hyuga.

Hiashi did not move, did not blink. His face was a mask of absolute disdain as he calmly picked up his tea and took a sip. Then, in a voice colder than an Ice Release jutsu, he stated: 

"Kumo can burn."

There was a collective murmur of agreement. 

"I second that," Inoichi added, shuddering at the memory of that diplomatic nightmare. 

"Agreed," Choza rumbled. 

"They're lucky we didn't turn their ambassador into compost," Shibi added. 

"They could always try again," Tsume growled, cracking her knuckles. "I'd love to rip their throats out."

Even Shikaku, normally half-asleep, opened one eye to say, "A huge hassle. Hard pass." 

Hiruzen sighed. "Very well. We shall decline their invitation." 

"Politely." Homura stressed. 

"Somewhat politely." Koharu corrected. 

"Not politely at all." Danzo countered. 

That was about as productive as things got. 

---

Topic Two: Tsunade's Absence , A.K.A. "Good Luck Getting Her Back"

Hiruzen moved to the next issue: Tsunade Senju's absence.

"As you all know, Lady Tsunade has been absent from Konoha for quite some time now. I suggest that we recall her back to the village." 

Integra immediately rolled her eyes. "Bad idea." 

Danzo's one visible eye narrowed. "And why is that?" 

Integra snorted. "Because Tsunade has zero interest in coming back, and if you try to force her, she'll break your face." 

"She is the last of her line," Homura pointed out. 

"I'm standing right here," Integra deadpanned. 

"She is the last of her direct line," Koharu amended. 

"She's done with Konoha," Integra said, crossing her arms. "Dragging her back will accomplish nothing. She'd either leave again or start drinking even more than she already does." 

"Shouldn't we at least try," Hiruzen muttered. 

"Oh, really?" Integra smirked. "You go track her down and tell her she's being 'summoned' back to Konoha. See what happens." 

Hiruzen was silent.

The matter was dropped.

---

Topic Three: Naruto , A.K.A. Danzo Being Danzo

Hiruzen cleared his throat. "Now, onto the matter of Naruto Uzumaki's progress as a shinobi." 

Danzo immediately leaned forward, his expression unreadable. "His progress is severely lacking. If something is not done soon, he will become a liability." 

Integra's eyebrow twitched.

"I propose," Danzo continued, "that the boy be placed under my personal supervision. With proper training, he could become a valuable asset to Konoha." 

Integra narrowed her eyes. "You mean he'd become an asset to you." 

Danzo's visible eye sharpened. "It is the village's duty to ensure its jinchūriki is strong. As it stands, Naruto is the weakest of all current jinchūriki. Our enemies will see this as an opportunity." 

Shikaku groaned. "And here we go…" 

Before Danzo could continue his usual fearmongering, Integra cut him off.

"Actually," she said, exhaling a puff of smoke, "I have an alternative." 

Danzo frowned. "Alternative?" 

"Yes." Integra's smirk widened. "I have recently come into possession of a weapon that will be quite beneficial to Konoha." 

Hiruzen raised an eyebrow. "Weapon?" 

"Indeed." 

Danzo's interest was piqued. "What kind of weapon?" 

Integra leaned back in her chair, her smirk downright mischievous.

"Come out, Alucard." 

---

Enter the Monster

The shadows shifted.

A dark mist oozed from the walls and floor, coalescing into a tall, imposing figure. Blood-red eyes gleamed in the dim light as a wide, toothy grin spread across his face. 

Naruto, or rather, Alucard, stepped forward, clad in his classic crimson coat and wide-brimmed hat.

He spread his arms wide, fangs glinting as he greeted them. 

"Hello there, my lovely council members!" he drawled, voice dripping with mockery. "I do hope I'm not interrupting your little meeting. It sounded so important!" 

There was a long, stunned silence. 

Shikaku, ever the voice of reason, simply leaned over to Integra and asked: 

"…What the hell is that?" 

Integra smirked. "That," she said, "is my dog." 

Alucard cackled.

---

Shikaku rubbed his temples. "Alright… let's say we're interested. What makes this 'Alucard' a valuable asset?" 

Integra glanced at Naruto. "Show them." 

Alucard grinned.

Every single council member suddenly heard his voice inside their heads. When it came to Danzo.

"Danzo you sleezeball. Working with Orochimaru of all people..."

Danzo scowled at Alucard.

Without hesitation, Alucard pulled out a gun and shot himself in the head. 

The council screamed.

Seconds later, his head reformed. 

Alucard cracked his neck. "Ahhh, I never get tired of that one." 

Alucard moved on with his demonstration, effortlessly lifting the massive council table with one hand, phased through the wall, and reappeared behind Danzo just to mess with him. 

I'm also great at recon." he added

Integra's eyebrow twitched.

"…Recon?" she repeated flatly. 

"Yep," Alucard nodded sagely. "Stealthiest guy you'll ever meet." 

Integra muttered, "Since when?"

---

The Council's Verdict

Hiruzen and the other clan heads were impressed and mildly horrified

After some discussion, they voted in favor of Alucard replacing Naruto as Konoha's war deterrent.

However, Integra added stipulations: 

1. Alucard answers only to her.

2. Any missions involving him must go through her first.

Danzo was clearly displeased, but the rest of the council agreed. 

As the meeting adjourned, Alucard leaned over to Integra and grinned. 

"Master… I think I'm gonna have so much fun with this." 

Integra sighed. "God help us all."

Chapter 3 – Senju Shenanigans

After the Council Meeting

Senju Estate

Naruto, back in his normal form, sat comfortably on the couch, his hands behind his head and a satisfied smirk plastered on his face. Integra stood across from him, arms crossed, her piercing blue eyes scrutinizing him like a scientist examining a particularly irritating test subject. 

She exhaled through her nose. "So? What did you learn from Danzo?" 

Naruto grinned, clearly enjoying himself. "Oh, you know… Just the usual. The old war hawk's been up to his elbows in ruining lives. He's orchestrated coups, assassinations, and manipulated more people than I can count. Oh! And let's not forget the cherry on top, he's working with Orochimaru."

Integra didn't flinch. "Not exactly surprising."

Naruto tilted his head. "You're not even a little shocked?"

"Danzo being a backstabbing, morally bankrupt sociopath? Hardly news. Most of the council knows he's dirty, they just tolerate him because it's convenient."

Naruto chuckled. "Well, I may have made things a bit… interesting for him."

Integra's eyes narrowed. "What did you do?"

Naruto leaned back, his red eyes gleaming with amusement. "I told Danzo I know of his schemes ."

Integra's hand met her face with a weary sigh.

Naruto, seeing her frustration, grinned wider. "Ah, that's the sigh. The 'why do I put up with this idiot' sigh. Always a classic!"

Integra pinched the bridge of her nose. "You do realize you've painted a target on both of us now?"

Naruto's eyes flashed red as his fanged grin widened. "Oh no, whatever shall we do? Are you scared of that decrepit old mummy, Master?"

Integra knew better than to show weakness. Unlike in their past lives, she had no seals binding him to her will. Naruto followed her out of respect and gratitude, any hesitation on her part might make him question if she was still worthy of commanding him. 

She took a deep breath before responding. "No. I have full confidence in your ability to deal with Danzo."

Naruto smirked, leaning forward. "That's my Master! Always calm, always composed. Honestly, you'd be scary if you weren't so fun to mess with."

Integra shot him a glare. "Behave, dog."

Naruto cackled. "Oh, but Master, where's the fun in that?"

---

Later That Night – Tsunade's Ill-Fated Heist

Tsunade crept through the Senju estate like a seasoned thief, well, a drunk one. She had snuck into her old family home under the cover of night, intending to "borrow" some valuable items (and maybe some money) to cover her gambling debts. 

"Alright, just gotta get in, grab a few things, and get out before Integra notices. Easy peasy."

Stepping lightly, she maneuvered through the halls like a shadow. The silence of the estate only heightened her nerves. She did not want a lecture from Integra.

As she reached the study, she smirked. "Jackpot."

Just as she was about to open a drawer...

A hand clamped down on her shoulder. 

Cold. Unforgiving.

Tsunade's breath caught in her throat. Her entire body stiffened.

Slowly, hesitantly, she turned around. 

And was met with a sight straight out of a horror story.

A tall, skeletal old man loomed over her, his sunken eyes glowing red, his fanged mouth curling into a grotesque smile. His voice was hoarse and eerie.

"You wouldn't happen to have a pint of blood to spare, would you?"

Tsunade did the only logical thing. 

She SCREAMED and BOLTED.

---

Tsunade sprinted down the hallways like a woman possessed, her heartbeat hammering in her ears. 

But the horror wasn't over.

When she dared to glance over her shoulder

The old man was still there… AND HE BROUGHT FRIENDS.

Behind him rode undead knights on undead horses.The knights had glowing, soulless eyes and wielded spectral blades. Hellhounds snarled and galloped alongside them, their bodies composed of writhing shadows. Bats swarmed overhead, screeching. 

And leading them all, with gleeful, demonic laughter...

The old man.

Tsunade's pupils shrank. "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!?"

She turned a corner and slid under a table. The moment she peeked out

The old man was there, grinning.

"Boo."

Tsunade SHRIEKED and ran again.

She leapt over a railing, rolling onto the floor below, before slamming through a door and dashing into the garden.

More monsters were waiting.

"I AM TOO INTOXICATED FOR THIS!" she howled as she ran. 

She zigzagged through the courtyard, vaulting over a fountain, diving through bushes, and even throwing a pot at the old man's head, which phased through him.

Finally, she turned a corner...

And crashed into someone.

---

Tsunade stumbled back, panting, her heart still hammering. She looked up to see Integra standing there, staring at her with a cold, unreadable expression.

The younger Senju raised an eyebrow. "Tsunade."

Tsunade scrambled behind her. "INTEGRA! THANK GOD! I WAS BEING CHASED!"

She turned to point at the creatures...

Nothing was there.

The courtyard was empty.

The only thing she saw was the peaceful night sky and the gentle rustling of the wind. 

Tsunade's eye twitched. "No, no, NO. They were JUST HERE! I swear! There was this creepy old man and...

Integra stared at her blankly, feigning ignorance. "Are you… drunk?"

Tsunade hesitated. "…Yes."** 

Integra sighed. "Then that explains it. You're hallucinating."

Tsunade scowled. "I may be drunk, but I KNOW what I saw!"

Integra ignored her and adjusted her gloves. "So? Why are you here?" Her voice turned sharp and cold.

Tsunade froze. 

All thoughts of monsters, horror chases, and heart attacks vanished as she found herself pinned under Integra's piercing blue gaze.

The older woman swallowed. 

"…Ah. Well. You see..."

Tbc