Please Don’t Die, My Lady

Chapter 42

The sun, hanging high in the sky, rapidly sank every time I blinked.

Perhaps because I had so much to think about, the time I spent alone felt unusually short.

Why was I even thinking about this?

In my current situation, there was only one choice available to me.

So why was I persistently considering a second option that held no merit?

If I didn’t escape, two outcomes came to mind:

Either I would remain imprisoned until graduation.

Or someone from outside would find a way in, only to expel me.

Even if it was the former, it would ultimately lead to the same thing—I’d end up being sent back to the organization. The outcome would be disastrous, and I knew it.

The one thing I had left—my last shred of agency, the right to choose my own death as a self-proclaimed doll—would be stripped away. I’d be reduced to nothing more than a lifeless corpse from before.

I hated that more than dying itself.

And yet…

Why?

Why was I hesitating?

Maybe it was because of the strange unease I felt about the professor.

Or maybe it was because I had grown closer to Ariana and didn’t want to part ways.

Or perhaps I’d started to feel disillusioned with the academy, though not as much as with the organization.

Even if all those reasons applied, someone like me—given my past thoughts and actions—shouldn’t have come to the conclusion of wanting to stay imprisoned.

I despised it, suffered through it, and wanted to die because of it.

Could all of that have been a lie too?

Had I been deceiving even myself?

I was confused.

I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way, so how could Ariana or Sena possibly understand?

The most efficient way to deal with someone as tiresome as me was probably Hans’ method.

The moment that thought crossed my mind, a sharp pain buzzed in my temple, as if protesting against it.

I frowned, pressing firmly against the source of the pain.

I suppressed it and buried it.

I couldn’t entrust my future to some inexplicable impulse.

“…Yes, I have to get out. I will get out.”

The conclusion I came to was, of course, escape.

It was only the second active choice I had made since inhabiting this body.

I’m sorry, Ariana.

But you won’t blame me, will you?

Half of this is your fault anyway.

If you’d told me everything from the start—

If you’d at least taken off these cursed handcuffs—

Maybe my decision would have been a little different.

Not much, but still…

At least I wouldn’t be leaving without saying goodbye, thinking of you as an irredeemable villain.

As it stands, in my mind, you’re barely any different from the people in the organization.

I don’t want you to die, but I don’t want you to live a happy life either.

You’ve told me nothing, so I have no choice but to think this way.

I hope you can understand that and forgive me.

If you can’t, then at least regret what you’ve done.

Look at the space I leave behind and reflect on what you’ve done.

We could have been so much more.

We had plenty of time and opportunities to build something better.

But because of you—

“…Damn you.”

Yes, it’s because of you.

The choice I made. The actions I’m about to take.

It’s all because of you.

So.

“I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Right, Lady?

…

No answer came.

Of course not.

The Lady no longer existed in my mind.

Why?

I don’t want you to die, but I wish you were dead.

If you’re in danger, I’ll help, but I want you to struggle.

I don’t want to see you cry, but I want you to be sad.

Why?

I want to be with you, but I want to get away from you.

I want to have sex with you, but I’m afraid of the idea.

I like you, but I hate you.

Why?

This tangled web of contradictions in my mind must have been created because of the Lady.

If I’m feeling this way even when she’s not around, then what on earth is causing it?

Or maybe the Lady never truly existed in the first place?

It was strange.

Even though I acknowledged both parts as myself, I had ultimately separated them in my mind.

The very escape I’d created as a refuge had nearly consumed me entirely.

Despite knowing that my feelings for Ariana swung wildly because of the simultaneous opposing emotions I felt, I had convinced myself that one side belonged to the Lady, allowing myself to hate her freely.

If neither side was fake, and both were genuine emotions, then did I admire her, despise her, love her, and loathe her all at once?

I let out a hollow laugh.

I must be insane.

Even hatred and love have limits.

This is just a symptom of a deranged lunatic.

That peculiar fondness I felt on the day we took the medicine together—I thought I’d washed it all away the next day.

But deep down, it must have remained, quietly eating away at me.

There’s no other explanation.

Otherwise, I could never, in my right mind, think fondly of Ariana.

“Hah.”

If I wasn’t going to realize this, it should have stayed hidden forever.

Why did it have to hit me now, right before I was about to leave, and make everything so complicated?

I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall with a soft thud.

I understood why my head hurt, but the solution was still beyond me.

I couldn’t stay by her side, and I couldn’t choose not to escape.

“…Still, I have to leave.”

And so, I decided to escape.

Leaving wouldn’t mean Ariana would die.

As long as she didn’t die, there would always be opportunities.

There would be a chance to untangle this mess of thoughts.

Yes, there would be.

I believed there would be.

Because the pain of the emptiness that struck me at the thought of this abruptly ending hurt far more than I expected.

I had no choice but to believe.

***

As I sat clutching the metal object, time passed until, before I realized it, Ariana returned.

For some reason, her expression was brighter than usual.

Had something good happened?

I forced a slight smile and opened my mouth to speak. I couldn’t afford to let any tension show.

“Did something nice happen?”

“Yes! I think I’m starting to see a solution to the issue that’s been troubling me.”

“…That’s good to hear.”

It felt like everything was fine.

The expression I had carefully crafted shattered in an instant with the next sentence Ariana casually uttered.

“I might be able to free you soon. And then, well…

We probably couldn’t stay at the academy, but how about living together somewhere in the countryside?”

I barely stopped myself from screaming.

Shut up.

Don’t.

I’d finally made up my mind.

And now, to hear that she planned to free me?

That she didn’t intend to send me back to the organization after graduation?

That she meant to take responsibility for me until the very end?

I didn’t want to hear it.

You have to be bad.

Even if I can’t see your true intentions, at least your actions must be undeniably villainous.

Only then.

Only then could I—

“I’ve saved up quite a bit, so while it wouldn’t be luxurious, we’d live comfortably enough.

It might not be so bad to live quietly, just the two of us, tending a small farm… Oh.”

Ariana had been speaking with a bright smile, but she froze when she saw my face.

I must have been scowling, my expression thoroughly twisted.

It wasn’t surprising.

I wasn’t in a state to control it.

If you understand, please stop talking now.

If you stop now, I might barely hold myself together.

“I, um… I’m sure you wouldn’t like that.

It was just a hopeful thought… If you want, I can just arrange a house and servants for you… Lady?”

…Please.

Her considerate words only made it harder to stay silent.

I pressed my hands tightly against my ears and lowered my head.

I don’t hate you as much as I claim to.

Living together doesn’t sound bad.

As long as it’s not at the academy or with the organization, I wouldn’t mind anything.

All of that sounds good, but let’s talk about it later.

We still have time, don’t we? Right?

I’m not trying to kill you right now, after all.

It’ll be fine. It has to be.

This isn’t the end; there will be time to talk again.

Days of quiet happiness where we’ll laugh about the painful memories of today—those days will come.

I believe they’ll come.

So.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I like you.

“Lady, are you alright…?

If you’re feeling unwell, I can get you some medicine—”

“…I’m fine.

I just feel a little stifled.

Could you take these cuffs off for me?”

“Oh, of course! Just a moment.”

When I raised my head and softened my expression, Ariana seemed reassured and smiled brightly.

I swallowed the ache in my chest that her smile brought.

Hold it in.

At least for now, focus.

If she notices, it’s all over.

As Ariana approached to remove the cuffs, I pinched the Replication Key Talisman between my index finger and thumb.

Carefully shielding it with the back of my hand, I adjusted my position so she wouldn’t see it. When she turned the key, I lightly brushed the talisman against it.

Despite my nervousness, the process was surprisingly simple.

Ariana didn’t notice a thing and continued humming cheerfully.

I felt the melted metal in my hand shift, molding itself into the shape of a key.

In just three seconds, the key to my shackles—my prison—was in my grasp.

After that, nothing unusual happened.

We spent the rest of the night exchanging idle conversation, eventually intertwining our bodies and falling asleep in each other’s arms.

The next morning, as always, Ariana woke at her usual hour, cuffed my wrists, and left the room.

I retrieved the key I had hidden under my pillow and unlocked the cuffs.

As the professor had said, the door was not locked.

All it took was turning the knob and pushing the door open.

I escaped.

It was so easy that it didn’t even feel real.

“…What is this?”

The hallway was completely empty, and the worry that I might run into Ariana didn’t come true.

It felt strange.

No, it felt overwhelming.