PTSD Military Chaplain of the Academy

“Priest Lucio. What are you doing?”

I turned my head. Helena was playfully giggling and poking me in the side.

“Helena.”

“Were you reading another weird book?”

“Weird book, you say….”

I closed the book I had been reading. The rough leather cover was embossed with the title ‘101 Actions for Positive Thinking.’

“See? It is a weird book.”

“It’s surprisingly interesting. Do you want to read it too?”

“Nope…. I’m good.”

I placed the book on the old table. By now, Helena had a cigarette in her mouth and was striking a match.

“I told you to quit smoking.”

“It’s my only pleasure~. Oh, the match broke.”

The first grace of God, fire, did not come easily to Helena. The striking surface of the matchbox was only left with desperate scratches from repeated rubbing.

“Seriously…. It takes a couple of matches just to light a cigarette, you know?”

“It’s humid…. But at least the rain stopped.”

“It was annoying, wasn’t it? The ground was all muddy, and there was stagnant water in the trench…. Huh….”

“Soldiers had a rough time.”

“Didn’t we have it rough too?”

That was true. I had volunteered to help repair the trench with Helena, and I vividly remembered being covered in mud from head to toe.

“…When will this war end?”

“Hmph— Hoo…. Do you think it will end?”

The smoke exhaled from Helena curled slowly outside the bunker, which was designed in a shelter-like manner. I took a peek outside. Thick, dark clouds were busily crossing the sky.

“Will it rain?”

“They said the weather would be clear today.”

“Who said that? Bohoman?”

“Mr. Bohoman.”

“That guy really doesn’t seem to have a clue about weather forecasting. He’s never been right about it even once.”

“It is surprising he was chosen as a weather observer.”

Hoo—.

The wind suddenly changed. Helena’s cigarette smoke drifted toward me. I frowned.

“Can’t you stop smoking?”

“Priest Lucio. I’ve been curious for a while, why do you dislike cigarettes so much? And alcohol too.”

“I’d like to ask the opposite. How can you, a priest, smoke so much?”

Helena scoffed. Ignoring me, she took a deep drag from her cigarette and blew out.

“Nowhere in our doctrine does it say to avoid cigarettes and alcohol. So, isn’t it okay?”

“…Right. If you like it, I guess it’s fine.”

We fell silent for a while. Helena quietly smoked while watching the cigarette smoke, and I poured myself some black tea.

“You’ve been drinking a lot of black tea lately. I thought you used to like sweet things.”

“You know. Cocoa is getting hard to find now. I just drink it to soothe my mouth.”

“Or maybe since I drink it often, your taste has adapted to mine?”

Helena particularly liked black tea. It had a bitter and deep flavor that suited her taste. To me, it was just the cheap, bitter taste of low-quality black tea.

Even so, I was beginning to get hooked on black tea.

“No, it’s just that I think this is okay these days.”

In truth, she was right. Since I often drank it at her urging, I had gradually become influenced by her tastes, values, and thoughts.

“Do you want a cup?”

I took out another tea bag and asked Helena. She smiled in response.

“Puhaha…. Yes, please.”

The way she slightly raised the corners of her mouth and smiled. I liked that smile.

It wasn’t a forced smile or a smile born of insanity; it was a smile made naturally from pure little happiness. A beautiful smile with slight dimples, blush creeping on her white cheeks.

I liked it. I didn’t know why. It might be a bit of infatuation. In a battlefield, there was only crying or forced laughter.

But I certainly liked her smile.

I handed the sufficiently brewed black tea to Helena. As she took the teacup, she asked.

“What about sugar?”

“You don’t like sweet things. Should I put some in?”

“No. Just give it to me. Thank you.”

Helena disliked sweet foods. I recalled how she would always give me her cocoa, which occasionally came as a ration.

We quietly sipped our black tea. Mine wasn’t too bitter thanks to the sugar cubes.

“…Bitter.”

“It is bitter.”

Still, my taste buds felt bitter. I really didn’t suit bitter things. I watched Helena enjoy her black tea and cigarette alternately.

“…What does smoking taste like?”

“Oh my. Are you curious about cigarettes now?”

Helena playfully covered her mouth, teasing me. I chuckled and took another sip of the bitter black tea.

“Just curious.”

“Hmm…. How should I describe the taste….”

Helena took a deep drag of her cigarette, then paused her breath. I looked at her, curious about what she was about to do.

Puff. Puff. Puff.

Cigarette smoke shaped like donuts fluttered out, and small donuts seemed to be constantly entering. I absentmindedly stared at the scene.

While looking at me, Helena laughed playfully.

“Is this the taste?”

“…What was that?”

“Ahaha…. Just the usual cigarette taste, with a hint of mint.”

Saying that, Helena offered me the cigarette she was smoking.

“Want to try it?”

“…….”

Maybe it was because it had been in her mouth, but the cigarette felt a bit soggy. After hesitating for a moment, I put it in my mouth.

“Right. Just bite it like that and inhale slowly.”

“With my mouth?”

“Yes. With your mouth.”

Sniff— Hoo….

White cigarette smoke billowed. Helena beamed as she watched me.

“How does it feel?”

“Hmm….”

I took another drag and exhaled.

“It’s not bad.”

“Right?”

The acrid and bitter aroma came with a hint of mint. Not bad at all.

Helena put my used cigarette behind her ear, gently covering it with her lips.

I turned my head slightly away.

“…….”

The taste of my first cigarette left a strong impression in my memory.

No matter how desperately I tried to erase it, it was too strong to ever be forgotten.

“Priest Lucio.”

“Hmm?”

Helena, who had been smoking, picked up her black tea this time. I turned to her while adding another sugar cube to my tea.

“I believe you know I used to be a professor at the academy?”

“Right…. Did you mention that before I came here?”

“Yes. Actually, I’m somewhat of a remarkable person, you know?”

Helena grinned mischievously again. I chuckled at her.

“Sure. Amazing. Priest Helena is the best. Hooray.”

“It’s true…. I worked at an academy famous enough that everyone would know just from hearing the name!”

“Hmm…. Where was that?”

Helena took hold of her cigarette this time, roughly placing her teacup on the table as she deeply inhaled the smoke.

“Hmm…. It’s a secret.”

“What?”

Seeing my expression change, Helena burst out laughing.

“Ahaha…! Look at Priest Lucio’s face!”

“Oh come on….”

“Haha…. I was just joking. A joke. Priest Lucio, lighten up. I’m sorry.”

In truth, I wasn’t really mad. I quickly relaxed my expression and finished my slightly sweeter black tea.

“Why did you volunteer for the war, even though you were such a renowned professor? Teachers wouldn’t have been conscripted, would they?”

“Ahaha…. That’s true.”

A brief silence passed. Inside the bunker, only the sounds of Helena sipping her tea and me fiddling with my teacup echoed.

“…Is it because I, by nature, am foolish?”

“What are you suddenly talking about?”

“Everyone around me says it’s a foolish decision. They ask why I would do such a thing. What reason could there be for going to a dangerous battlefield?”

Helena smiled bitterly. I gazed at her in silence.

“One day, a theology student I cherished dearly…. said he was dropping out. I asked him why he would do something like that. He said….”

“…He said what?”

“He said his father had died in battle, and their family had fallen into hardship…. He couldn’t pay for tuition…. So, he wanted to volunteer for the relief priesthood to support his mother and siblings…. He told me something like that.”

“…….”

“Even though I desperately tried to talk him out of it, that student ultimately went off to war. And I couldn’t, like a fool, just watch my students walk into the battlefield!”

I quietly waited for her to finish speaking. But after a long time, she didn’t continue.

Helena raised her head. Her eyes were red. I didn’t ask why.

“I kept trying to talk that student out of it. I told him, why would you do such a stupid thing? It’s a foolish decision. But, Priest Lucio…”

The cigarette dangling from her fingertips trembled slowly. To her, lowering her head, I gently patted her back.

“Doesn’t what I told that student sound familiar?”

“Helena.”

“It’s strange, isn’t it? I called it a foolish act, yet I’ve acted foolishly myself.”

Helena smiled foolishly. Her lips were pulled back and her eyes were watering.

“Anyway, that’s why I came here.”

I silently handed her my handkerchief. It was the pure white handkerchief I always kept clean, even if my clothes got dirty or muddy.

Helena carefully took the handkerchief and pressed it to her tears. Transparent flowers bloomed on the cloth.

After she wiped her tears for a moment, Helen returned the handkerchief and asked.

“Hmmm…. You’re well-versed in theology, aren’t you, Priest Lucio?”

“Well, I guess so…. When you serve as a sub-priest in a rural village, all you do is study theology anyway.”

“You also like the children to some extent.”

“Don’t you?”

Helena let out a delicate laugh. With a powerless smile like a tragic heroine.

“If, after the war ends, I’m unable to return to the academy…. would you take over the theology department for me, Priest Lucio?”

“Don’t say such things even as a joke.”

“What if I’m not joking?”

I slammed the teacup down with a noise. This time, I was somewhat angry. But Helena continued to speak without concern.

“Priest Lucio. I… I really cherish my students.”

“…….”

“Was it because I was abandoned from birth? Because I was an orphan? Is that why I crave affection?”

“That’s not….”

“No. That’s exactly it. That’s why I treasure my students so much. I’m so grateful to the academy that accepted me above all else.”

Priest Helena looked at me earnestly. I met her gaze.

“So, Priest Lucio. Please promise me one thing.”

Her tear-filled green eyes were beautiful. Their clear emerald color seemed to reflect me perfectly, captivating my heart.

“If after the war ends, I can’t return, will you take over the theology department in my place?”

So, so…. What I want to say is.

“…I promise.”

I couldn’t refuse.

That was all there was to it.

* * * * *

“…….”

My eyes opened involuntarily. I slowly raised my body.

“Where is this…?”

A dry voice came out. At the same time, an intense thirst hit me, causing me to frown. I looked around the room slowly.

My room. It was my room. I was lying on the bed in my own room.

The staff dormitory of the Caldera Imperial Academy, which had now become familiar to me. I stared blankly at the familiar scenery of the room.

“My, my arm….”

I felt along my right arm. The severe spasms that had been there before had calmed down. The pain seemed to have subsided as well.

Then what about those fingers? Giovanni the Head Priest’s blood-stained fingers?

I glanced around. On the nightstand next to the bed, something wrapped in cloth lay alongside a note. I carefully unfolded the neatly folded note.

– Priest, I’ll check on things. If you wake up, please stay home and don’t go out.

“Sofia Sub-priest….”

I couldn’t help but smile. Her sulky tone was palpable even in the note. I really didn’t take care of myself.

I unwrapped the item that was wrapped in cloth. It turned out it wasn’t just cloth, but a sash. It looked like it belonged to Sofia Sub-priest.

As I unfastened the sash, one withered finger I had seen before lay inside. I wrapped the finger back up in the sash.

I lifted a glass of water that was also on the nightstand.

There was still cool water inside. It seemed that Sofia Sub-priest had prepared it. I downed it in one gulp.

The cold water flowed down my throat. As my severe thirst was quenched, strangely, I had a strong craving for a cigarette.

I opened the drawer attached to the nightstand and took out the pack of cigarettes inside.

“…Damn it.”

I placed one remaining lonely cigarette in my mouth and headed for the balcony.

I leaned my body against the railing. The time was close to noon, the cheerful laughter of students rang out.

I struck a match against the matchbox, but it broke with a click as the match snapped.

“…….”

I stared at the match for a long time. Really, for a very long time.

I took another match out of the box and lit it. The flame quickly burned the tip of the cigarette that approached it.

“Sniff…. Hoo….”

Quietly, I focused on smoking the cigarette. The ash that fluttered into the air and slowly vanished looked unutterably melancholy.

“…Bitter.”

The aroma of the cigarette filled my lungs, leaving a bitter, refreshing taste.

It was a familiar mint scent.

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