PTSD Military Chaplain of the Academy

“Say it again… once more.”

Head Priest Antoinneri’s eyes sparkled. As his arms rose, his priest robe slipped down, revealing the rough veins bulging on his forearms.

“What have I done?”

In an instant, Sub-priest Camilla was grabbed by the collar and forcefully pushed against the wall, grimacing in pain as her throat was constricted.

In Camilla’s eyes, she saw the face of Head Priest Antoinneri, twisted beyond recognition. His glasses had vanished, and nothing stood between his intense gaze and Camilla’s.

There was regret in his gaze as he looked at Camilla. Sadness, dry sadness, appeared ready to become firewood.

And then, Head Priest Antoinneri could no longer contain himself. He ignited the parched emotions within him. There was no need to pour oil or blow wind to fan the flames.

His eyes glistened with an indescribable something. It was the fury of a fire that burned fiercely without preparation, devouring everything in its path.

“Cough, hack…!”

Sub-priest Camilla grasped Head Priest Antoinneri’s arm. She struggled with all her might, but his arm did not budge. Desperately writhing, she cried out.

“Let go of this…!”

“What do you know…?”

His words carried a weight like a heavy stone. Camilla gritted her teeth and glared at him.

And Head Priest Antoinneri, as if unwilling to back down, stared at her with bloodshot eyes.

“I understand. I see now.”

Head Priest Antoinneri glared harshly at the struggling Camilla, curling his lips into a sneer as if her plight was trivial.

“You fought in the Great War too, didn’t you?”

To find Camilla’s weakness, he began to ruthlessly uncover her past.

“You participated in the Great War as well. That’s why you ask me such ridiculous questions.”

“Ugh… let, let go….”

“You look like just a kid in your mid-twenties at best. That means you must have been part of the Youth Cross of the Relief Priests.”

Head Priest Antoinneri’s anger grew denser. His grip on Camilla’s collar tightened further.

“Ugh…!”

“I know kids like you well. Just because you’re a few years younger than us, you probably only treated the wounded from the rear and recited pity-filled prayers to those with empty hearts seeking the Lord’s name.”

“W-What are you saying….”

“You’ve probably developed a pathetic pride without knowing that was their consideration. Being intoxicated with the label of a war veteran, you’ve forgotten the many youths who perished before you…!”

Sub-priest Camilla started to slap at Head Priest Antoinneri’s arm. He loosened his grip slightly, worried that she might faint.

“Sub-priest Camilla. Do you know? While you were sitting in the rear playing those childish games, Helena and I were crossing the front lines.”

“Ugh…! I, I…!”

“Shut your mouth. I don’t want to hear your phony narrative filled with selfish fakes like you….”

Head Priest Antoinneri’s eyes glistened with unshed tears of fury. He was so enraged that it felt as if he might burst into tears.

“People like you also call yourselves war veterans, thinking you’re hotshots just because you have the rank of mid-level priest… If you dare to present some childish antics and think you can shove a half-baked standard in my face, you better not even dream of it.”

“Ugh…! I, I was wrong…!”

“Ha. Haha…!”

Head Priest Antoinneri laughed bitterly. Sub-priest Camilla murmured in a voice laced with tears.

“I, I… made a mistake…! Please, just this….”

“Is that what you have to say now? You are really….”

To her, Head Priest Antoinneri whispered.

“You cowardly woman….”

You are a cowardly woman. It’s truly laughable how you now tuck your tail between your legs after poking fun in the past, not knowing your place.

He uttered vulgarities that one could hardly imagine him saying.

“I don’t know how you know Helena’s name.”

Head Priest Antoinneri ground his teeth and spoke.

“Do not dare shove your worthless standards onto me. Do not evaluate my actions.”

Because she fought at a young age, she only heard stories about the cruel, horrific conditions on the front lines.

While dragging the wounded into the trenches with all her might alongside Priest Helena, and healing them in a battlefield where dirt and severed limbs flew around, she just sat comfortably in a relief station reciting pathetic prayers.

“When Helena was dying without even being able to scream, you weren’t even there—!”

Bang!

With a forceful swing, Head Priest Antoinneri’s right hand collided with the wall, the noise echoing throughout the entire Main Chapel.

“Do not shift the responsibility onto others.”

After narrowing his eyes for a moment, Head Priest Antoinneri slowly released his grip on Sub-priest Camilla’s collar. Camilla, who collapsed against the wall, gasped for fresh air.

“Cough! Cough…! Ugh, ah…!”

Saliva dripped from Sub-priest Camilla’s mouth as she desperately inhaled. Head Priest Antoinneri let out a heavy sigh.

“Haa….”

He felt frustrated with the situation. The unresolved state, the discomfort they left with each other in this ending, was maddening.

Slowly taking deep breaths, Head Priest Antoinneri felt his trembling arm from anger begin to calm down.

“Sub-priest Camilla. I will not apologize.”

His harsh tone returned to its previous state. Although his tone was unbearably cold.

“Do not speak ill of Priest Helena in front of me from now on.”

Listening silently to his words, Sub-priest Camilla managed to stand up, swaying, and shouted defiantly.

“When did I ever… insult Priest Helena…!”

“The very fact that you bring up Priest Helena is an insult to her and devalues her death.”

Sub-priest Camilla was at a loss for words. Tears welled in her eyes, but not wanting to show that to Head Priest Antoinneri, she fiercely glared.

Seeing her, Head Priest Antoinneri sighed softly.

“I suppose welcoming you all was a task I shouldn’t have taken on.”

“……”

“Do as you wish, report this to Priest Peter or go to the Papal States to tell them. And…”

Head Priest Antoinneri glanced at the priest robe of Sub-priest Camilla, which was slightly disheveled. It seemed urgent for her to change clothes.

“I will ask Sub-priest Sofia to explain about the staff dormitory. Please tend to your fingers as soon as possible.”

Without waiting for a response from Sub-priest Camilla, Head Priest Antoinneri turned away from her.

It was a cold and heavy notification that he no longer wished to continue the conversation.

* * * *

“Haa….”

I sank into the sofa in the Head Priest’s office. My body, which had complained of exhaustion, began to relax as it sank into the soft cushions.

Sub-priest Sofia and Priest Peter were already gone. I stared blankly at the air for a moment.

“…Foolish person.”

I felt so foolish that I couldn’t bear it. It was pitiful to the point where I couldn’t even let out a sigh.

Did I really have to get angry? Wasn’t there a way to listen to what she had to say?

While such thoughts crossed my mind, another part of me denied it.

Well done. It was even impressive that I didn’t resort to violence.

This duality of myself was so sickening that I truly couldn’t stand it.

“……”

Memories of me, lifting her collar and pressing her, resurfaced. I had handed over control of my body to the simple emotion of anger.

I recalled the eyes of Sub-priest Camilla, looking at me with a flushed face, as if she were choking. That gaze was driven by rage but also tinged with fear.

A thick, dark sense of disgust began to crawl up within me, akin to a sticky swamp directed at myself. I felt chills as if bugs were crawling on my skin, and I involuntarily brushed down my arms.

What difference was there between me and Camilla? What was there to boast about in having treated a few more wounded, or witnessing a few severed limbs?

I self-mockingly took a cigarette from my pocket. Slowly bringing the cigarette to my lips, the process of lighting it with a match came naturally, like flowing water.

As I bit down on the filter, the refreshing mint scent seemed to relieve some of the suffocation that had been lingering deep within my lungs. I exhaled thick cigarette smoke into the air.

My head, which had been heated, felt a bit cooler now. I was quite glad that I could think rationally.

First, I should apologize to Priest Peter. It wasn’t polite to run out without a word during our conversation.

If it were an informal meeting I organized personally, it wouldn’t matter, but I was there as a representative of the Academy. Therefore, I should have been more careful…

“Seriously….”

Before I knew it, an absurd chuckle escaped me. It was ridiculous to worry about this when I had already done such a thing to Sub-priest Camilla. I crushed the cigarette butt in the ashtray and put a new cigarette in my mouth.

As I continued to smoke, the number of butts piled up in the ashtray grew. Conversely, the burden in my heart gradually lessened.

How long had I been zoning out, smoking like that?

Suddenly.

“Head Priest! I just… Cough! Cough!”

Sub-priest Sofia entered the Head Priest’s office, coughing and grimacing at the smoke-filled room. I hurriedly opened the window to air it out.

“I’m sorry, Sub-priest Sofia.”

“Cough! Cough! You should ventilate before smoking… Cough!”

“…I’m really sorry.”

I found myself disgusting. It was pathetic how I always managed to cause trouble for those around me like this.

Suppressing my intense self-loathing, I threw the empty cigarette pack into the trash. Once the smoke cleared a bit, Sub-priest Sofia cautiously entered the Head Priest’s office.

“Honestly, it’s not even a raccoon burrow… Please make sure to ventilate in the future.”

“I will be careful.”

“I escorted the two of them back to the dormitory.”

“Thank you for that, Sub-priest Sofia.”

Sub-priest Sofia, who stood awkwardly for a moment, then carefully sat beside me on the sofa. Her eyes shifted towards the table.

“The black tea has gone cold…”

“……”

While the teacups of Priest Peter and Sub-priest Camilla were half-empty, the cup before me had barely diminished and had grown cold.

I took a sip of the cold tea and opened my mouth.

“Sub-priest Sofia, were you surprised?”

“What now?”

“When I dashed out earlier, I mean.”

Her expression twisted in a strange way upon hearing my words. It was a mix of almost crying and suppressing a smile.

After staring at my face for a moment, Sub-priest Sofia finally sighed dramatically and spoke.

“Haa…. It’s alright. I’m actually worried about you, Head Priest.”

“I am perfectly fine.”

“Aha ha…. Perfectly… Head Priest, you always…”

She looked somewhat sad. Watching her made my heart feel uneasy for some reason.

“Head Priest, I believe in you.”

“Thank you.”

“So, I hope you’ll believe in me as well.”

“……”

With those words, our conversation came to a halt. We silently continued to sip our black tea in silence.

The cold black tea was more bitter than I expected.

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