Tess

‘No.’

Iliya shook his head vigorously, trying to dismiss the thought. In Holyland, the leader was the rule and the law. One should not question the leader. Doubt was sin. It was the whisper of division prompted by the devil. He kept repeating the same words to himself, but Iliya’s gaze kept following the leader.

*

*

On all-night prayer meeting days, the children were gathered and put to sleep in the church annex. Iliya also slept there on those days. Honestly, it was more comfortable there than at home. But now even this place felt uncomfortable. He patted a whimpering child and covered them with a blanket, but he couldn’t look at the children with the same eyes as before. Feeling guilty about such thoughts, he tried to look elsewhere, but unconsciously kept looking back. Extreme fatigue from restless nights had reached its peak. Normally, he would have lain down beside the children and caught some sleep, but today he didn’t feel like it. After dozing while sitting the entire time, he fell asleep briefly in an awkward position. Then he suddenly woke up.

‘The time…’

He seemed to have dozed off briefly, but the clock was pointing to 4 AM. The gathering would end at 5. Thinking the cold air might clear his clouded mind, Iliya stepped outside for a moment. His body felt stiff from staying in one position for too long. As he was massaging his neck and turning his head, Iliya flinched at a dark figure moving in the darkness.

“Nancy…?”

Iliya, who had assumed it was just a believer who’d stepped out during the gathering, was surprised by the unexpected appearance. With her hair completely disheveled as if she had made her way through tall grass, Nancy was delighted to see Iliya.

“Iliya!”

Nancy’s voice was a tone higher than usual. Since she had always shown a sullen expression toward Iliya, her reaction was startling.

“The leader purified me!”

“Shh!”

He cautioned her because her voice was too loud and might wake the children. But Nancy didn’t seem to hear Iliya’s warning.

“The leader purified me!”

She didn’t seem to realize she was repeating herself. Iliya examined Nancy carefully. Her clothes were disheveled, but her face beamed with a smile. It took a moment for the words “leader” and “purification” to register in his mind. He needed to make sense of this. Is the purification ritual normally conducted secretly in the middle of the night? He thought Nancy had gone to a prayer meeting with Mrs. Rollins. Did Mrs. Rollins know about this? Not having received any prior information, he found it strange.

“Nancy, did you receive the purification ritual?”

“Yes, yes!”

Nancy nodded vigorously. As if desperate to boast, she grabbed Iliya’s arm and poured out her story.

“It was so difficult at first, but the leader drove away the pain. He rescued me from hell and guided me to the gates of heaven. Oh, how ecstatic it was! Iliya, I wish I could show you heaven too. Everything went white, and I couldn’t think of anything. He said I was reborn. Iliya, the leader looked exhausted after using his power to purify me, do you think he’ll be alright?”

As if overflowing with things to say, Nancy’s speaking pace accelerated. Amidst the confusion, Iliya glimpsed traces on her legs. Traces of dried blood that had been wiped away. Having become accustomed to cleaning up after being beaten by his father, Iliya recognized those unnatural marks. The leader wouldn’t have hit Nancy. If he had, she couldn’t have smiled so brightly.

He searched his memories. The bride and groom approaching marriage receive purification from the leader. His purification was conducted in private. The leader said the spirit of God descended upon him only when they were alone. What happened to them was a blessing bestowed by God through a human vessel, he claimed. The believers believed his words. When newlyweds became pregnant immediately after marriage, the leader called it God’s blessing as well. Others accepted this at face value and congratulated the couple.

It wasn’t just new brides who became pregnant. Nora was younger than Nancy, but one day her belly suddenly swelled. The leader praised Nora, calling it a true conception by the Holy Spirit. Your faith has been rewarded, he said.

Nora proudly displayed her belly, but unfortunately, she didn’t deliver the baby. Blaming herself for insufficient faith, Nora’s depression worsened until one day she was found as a cold corpse. Whether it was suicide, an accident, or something else, nobody knew. Nora’s death was merely mentioned once before a service with a request for mourning. Afterward, no one talked about Nora again. Iliya’s mind rejected all these thoughts. His brain screamed at him to stop thinking.

‘There’s nothing wrong.’

No one had raised objections. If there were truly a problem, how could all these people remain unbothered? Surely the grooms had also received the purification ritual, and they showed no particular reaction. He tried to suppress his thoughts by rationalizing this way.

But once doubt takes root, even small questions lead to more questions in an endless chain. Questions he had buried surfaced one after another. What if he couldn’t stop these thoughts?

“Now, what should you do if someone touches your body?”

Back then, the teacher taught the children. He knew clearly. He knew but tried not to remember. That was a rule from another world. This place is a “sanctuary” different from the secular world. Even if it wasn’t, what could he say? To whom, and how?

“Yes, you must have been tired, go rest…”

This was all Iliya could manage to say. Nancy giggled and released his arm. The spot where Nancy had held him tingled. His chest felt tight, and his head was numb. A ringing sound echoed in his ears. He rushed into the nearby bushes and vomited. After confirming his empty stomach for quite some time, he turned around to find no one there.

If only it had been a dream. Just a nightmare.

But Nancy’s receding song was too clear. It was a hymn rejoicing in salvation.

*

*

The next day, Nancy couldn’t remember the specific details. She only recalled that the ritual felt good. Iliya was conflicted, unsure whether to consider this fortunate or unfortunate. Even if he couldn’t change what had already happened, could he continue to pretend not to know? He couldn’t tell Mrs. Rollins either. It was too difficult a decision to make alone. If he married Nancy as planned, perhaps they could live peacefully. No, his deeply buried conscience pricked his heart, saying that wasn’t right.

But what could he do? Though the leader verbally claimed anyone could leave the Holy Church whenever they wished, the closed atmosphere didn’t easily permit believers to leave. Escape wasn’t easy either. Very few people in Holyland could drive. Only the sentinels and the leader had car keys. Attempting to escape on foot would either make him eagle food or result in capture by the sentinels and a forced return. He couldn’t leave safely without someone’s help.

“Iliya.”

Iliya’s back stiffened at the sound of Mrs. Rollins’ voice from behind. He didn’t want to turn around but couldn’t ignore her. He couldn’t look her directly in the eyes. Why was the guilt his to bear? His eyes wavered with anxiety.

“I noticed your sleeves were getting short because your clothes have become too small.”

“What? Oh…”

Relieved it seemed to be nothing serious, Iliya inwardly sighed with relief. Mrs. Rollins held out clothes she had made herself.

“You haven’t been falling down much lately, have you?”

“What?”

Iliya’s hand, reaching for the clothes, hesitated. Looking at Mrs. Rollins, he saw various emotions mixed in her eyes, despite her neutral tone. He had never seen her like this before. As Iliya remained stiff, Mrs. Rollins forcibly placed the clothes in his hand. Hearing a rustling sound from inside, he lowered his gaze, and Mrs. Rollins gripped his hand painfully. Startled, he looked up.

“Iliya, if possible…”

Mrs. Rollins looked paler than usual. He could feel her hands trembling slightly. Gulp. He swallowed nervously.

“I wish you wouldn’t get hurt anymore.”

Iliya’s gray eyes widened. This wasn’t just an everyday expression of concern.

“The same goes for Nancy… So, if you get the chance at the next missionary outing, would you please wear this… this clothing?”

Mrs. Rollins’ grip tightened further. It was a plea filled with all her desperation. Nancy’s excessive adoration of the leader. The faces of children resembling the leader. The purification ritual whose true nature remained unknown. Though uncertain, Mrs. Rollins’ suspicions deepened. Thinking they needed to leave Holyland, she passed a note to Iliya. Among those who could go outside, he was the only one she could trust. If possible, she hoped Iliya could escape with them. So he wouldn’t suffer his father’s abuse anymore.

“I…”

I’m not confident. Iliya conveyed this with his eyes. Mrs. Rollins seemed to understand, nodding her head.

“Will there be… no confrontation with the police next time?”

“I don’t know… There’s always the possibility of unexpected situations.”

“Nancy won’t be going this time. But even if not this time…”

Iliya shook his head, signaling her not to say more. No one would find it strange for the bride’s mother to gift clothes to her future son-in-law. But thoughts leave reactions, and reactions provoke suspicion from others. If they could read each other’s expressions and gazes to this extent, others might notice too. So it was better not to know about any plan at all.

“I’ll wear it well. Now, I need to look after the children, so…”

Iliya turned first. Mrs. Rollins was probably following his retreating figure with anxious eyes. Entering the annex and confirming he was alone, he took out the note hidden in the clothes. After examining the twice-folded paper, he quickly put it in his pants pocket. Just then, the door clattered open, and a believer entered. He almost got caught. His heart raced, and his mouth went dry. He barely managed to smile at the visitor, hoping his expression didn’t look awkward.

*

*

The opportunity came soon. Iliya was included in the weekly volunteer activity. Usually, those approaching marriage were restricted from outside activities, but this time was an exception. Nancy was standing close to the leader, smiling brightly as she greeted him. Such an affectionate Nancy. Iliya worried the leader might call for Nancy while he was away.

Reflecting Iliya’s anxious heart, the sky was gloomy. The humid air made it hot and sweaty. He was on high alert not to touch the note hidden in his clothes, even unconsciously.

The volunteer location being a child welfare center, there were few people to contact. There was a resident security guard, but it was questionable whether he could be trusted. He couldn’t deliberately create a disturbance. Mrs. Rollins had said it didn’t have to be this time, but it was hard to guarantee there would be another opportunity. His mind was anxious, but no method came to mind.