ISEKAI? More like I See Crap!

"Big guy! Can I ask something?"

The guard groaned, clearly annoyed. "Ugh… what now, crazy guy?"

I leaned closer to the bars, grinning. "The beautiful woman before—you know, your officer. She's hot, sexy, beautiful. Is she taken? Or is she still single?"

The guard raised an eyebrow and then burst out laughing. "You mean Madam Shania? She already has a grandson."

"EHHHH!?" My jaw almost dropped.

He smirked, enjoying my reaction. "What? Shocked? Surprised?"

I flailed my arms, trying to understand. "But she looks hot, beautiful, sexy! How can she have a grandson already?!"

The guard chuckled, tapping the side of his head like he was talking to a child. "Well… she's half Human and half Elf. So it's normal."

I blinked, struggling to keep up. "Half Human… and half Elf? You mean… she has elf blood in her!?"

He nodded. "That's right. Thanks to the elf part, she doesn't age like normal Hyumans. She looks like she's in her 20s, but she's lived much longer. Elves don't show their age, you know?"

I slumped against the bars, my mind blown. "So you're telling me… that hot, sexy, gorgeous woman is technically a grandma?!"

"Yep," he said with a smirk, taking another bite of his food. "Deal with it, crazy guy."

"Well... whatever!" I shrugged, leaning back against the cell bars with a grin. "Grandma or not, she's young and hot! If I can get one kiss from her, that's good enough! Ehehehe."

The big guy snorted and shook his head. "Crazy guy... you're hopeless. Just so you know, she's already married—well, she was married once."

I bolted upright, eyes wide. "What? Married? Wait, hold up! What do you mean, once?"

The guard smirked, clearly loving my confusion. "Yeah, she was married. Her husband left her years ago when her son was still a kid. He just disappeared and left her to raise the boy alone. It wasn't easy for her."

I scratched my head, trying to understand. "So... she's single now, right?"

The big guy rolled his eyes. "You're unbelievable. Even if she is single, do you really think someone like her would go for a crazy guy like you?"

I grinned, not discouraged. "Hey, never say never! I've got nothing to lose, right? Plus, she's clearly not immune to my charms. I could tell from the way she glared at me earlier—pure chemistry!"

The guard burst out laughing, nearly choking on his food. "Chemistry!? More like pity! Keep dreaming, crazy guy."

I leaned back, smirking to myself. "Call it what you want, big guy. All I need is one chance. Who knows? Maybe fate brought me to this world for her."

The guard wiped a tear from his eye, still laughing. "Fate? Hah! You're delusional. But hey, good luck, crazy guy. You're gonna need it."

"Hey, big guy."

The guard groaned and rolled his eyes, looking like he regretted this shift. "What now, crazy guy?"

I grinned. "Err... chill, big guy. Just want to ask a question. It's not like you can sleep on duty or anything, right?"

He gave me a deadpan look. "Huh? Of course I can."

I blinked. "Eh? What if I manage to break out?"

The big guy smirked, leaning back against the wall like he didn't care. "Suit yourself. By the time you get out, you'll be marked as a real criminal. And trust me, that won't end well."

I tilted my head. "You're just bluffing, aren't you?"

He chuckled, his voice low and confident. "Try it and find out, crazy guy. But I'll warn you—escaping from here is like trying to outrun a wyvern with a broken leg. You'd just make my job easier."

I narrowed my eyes, unsure if he was joking or serious. "You're weirdly calm about all this. Aren't you supposed to sound more intimidating?"

He shrugged and cracked his knuckles lazily. "Nah. I'm not worried about you. You're too busy flirting with Madam Shania to even think about breaking out."

I laughed nervously. "W-well, you're not wrong. She's way more interesting than, you know, freedom or whatever."

The big guy shook his head, muttering. "Crazy guy's got priorities all out of whack..."

"Oh... I'm starting to feel sleepy," I said, stretching and yawning. "Well, it's time to sleep. Thanks for the food, big guy!"

He waved me off dismissively. "Don't mention it."

As I lay down, a teasing thought popped into my head. I sat back up, grinning mischievously. "Oh, by the way, big guy."

He raised an eyebrow, clearly not thrilled about more chatter. "Hmm?"

"Can you ask your wife to bring more food next time?" I teased, shooting him a cheeky grin.

His face darkened, eyes narrowing dangerously. "What did you say, crazy guy?"

I waved my hands quickly in defense, laughing nervously. "Chill, big guy! I was just joking! Ahahaha!"

He glared at me for a moment before shaking his head and muttering, "One of these days, crazy guy..."

"Mhmm... this bed is good," I muttered, patting the surprisingly comfortable mattress. "Well, at least I didn't end up sleeping on the road... hehe."

I rolled over, ready to drift off, when I noticed the big guy leaning against the wall, arms crossed and eyes closed.

"Huh? Big guy? Are you really sleeping on duty?" I called out, curious.

Without opening his eyes, he grumbled, "Hmm? What do you think? It's not like we're guarding some big-time criminal. Just some crazy guy."

I blinked, feeling offended. "Haha... well, that's true... wait! Not the crazy guy part! I'm normal, you know!"

He opened one eye slightly, smirking. "Normal people don't get chased by Horny Orc."

"T-that was a misunderstanding!" I stammered, sitting up. "Besides, they weren't after me specifically—"

"Oh, shut it, crazy guy. Go to sleep before I have to start snoring to drown you out."

I huffed and flopped back onto the mattress. "Big guy, you're mean."

He chuckled. "And you're still crazy."

That night? Nothing special happened—just the big guy snoring loud enough to shake the entire cell block.

"Damn you, big guy!" I muttered, covering my ears with the pillow. "You sleep like... ugh!"

I tossed and turned, trying to block out the sound. "How can someone snore like a charging boar!?"

Eventually, though, exhaustion took over. My eyelids grew heavy, and I sighed in defeat.

"Ugh... well, I'm too sleepy to care now... good night, big guy. Snore all you want."

And with that, I finally drifted off, dreaming of beautiful elves and heroic adventures... or so I hoped.

Morning came, and I woke up feeling groggy. My head was still heavy from the night before, so I decided to freshen up.

"Ugh... first things first," I mumbled, dragging myself to the tiny sink and shower area.

Realizing I didn't have any extra clothes, I shrugged. "Well... off this goes." I stripped down, tossing my clothes onto the bed.

Behind me, the big guy burst into laughter. "What are you doing, crazy guy?!"

"What does it look like? Washing up!" I shot back, completely ignoring that I was stark naked.

"Hahaha! Crazy guy's putting on a show now! Nice 'bird,' by the way!"

I sighed, ignoring him. "Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, big guy. Hygiene's important, you know. Well, at least mine is bigger than yours!" I swung it left and right for good measure.

His laughter got louder. "You're something else, crazy guy!"

The cold water hit my skin like a slap. "Brrrrrr! It's freezing!" I yelped, hopping from one foot to the other.

The big guy smirked, still chuckling. "You're the one who wanted a shower. Enjoy it, crazy guy!"

"Haaa… this Isekai life really sucks," I muttered, shivering as the water hit me. "No warm baths, no soft towels… just this cold trickle and a big guy mocking me."

But hey, at least I was clean. Sort of.

"Hey, big guy," I called out, shivering under the freezing water.

"What now?" he groaned, clearly annoyed.

"What are you eating?"

He glanced over and chewed slowly. "Just wait for your breakfast. It's coming."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever..." I muttered, rubbing my arms to warm up. "Big guy?"

He let out a long, frustrated sigh. "What!?"

"Got a towel?"

He stopped chewing, stared at me for a second, and shook his head. "Haaa… this is why I hate it when prisoners are here."

"Hey, I'm not a prisoner!" I protested, dripping wet and glaring at him.

He smirked. "Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that, crazy guy."

"Ugh, just hand me the towel, man!"

He finally tossed a rough, scratchy towel my way. I caught it and started drying off, grumbling under my breath. "You call this a towel? It feels like sandpaper!"

The big guy chuckled. "Welcome to the cell life, crazy guy."

( End Of Chapter )