The Unbelievers

Chapter 57

“I… I always think about you, ahjussi. I want to undress you. I want to know where the wolf is on your body. I want to see it. I want to touch it.”

“We can’t do this.”

“…”

“We… we can’t do this.”

He muttered, unclear who he was addressing. It wasn’t a statement for Eunseong, but a warning and admonishment to himself.

Siwoon knew better than anyone that his words and actions were inconsistent. The touch that had been caressing Eunseong’s cheek like sticky tape, the sensation of his thumb stroking the soft cheek, disappeared.

“Ah.”

Eunseong let out a regretful exclamation and urgently grabbed Siwoon’s hand as it tried to move away. He forcefully tried to press it back to his cheek, but he couldn’t overcome Siwoon’s strength.

Instead, he held onto Siwoon’s hand with both of his, not letting go. He grasped both the palm and the back of Siwoon’s hand. Siwoon stood awkwardly with his arm extended, held by Eunseong.

Because they couldn’t see each other’s faces, because their vision was blocked by the pitch darkness, because they didn’t have to see the self-condemning look in each other’s eyes, Eunseong held onto him and wouldn’t let go. Once again, his emotions and body were simultaneously rising with a hot fervor, feeling like he might do something crazy to Siwoon.

“No one… no one knows. It’s just us here.”

“I know.”

“…”

“You know too.”

Realizing that Siwoon was conscious of their blood relation and was rejecting him because of it, Eunseong didn’t want to let go of his hand even more. If Siwoon just saw him as a child with no feelings, he might be able to give up. If Siwoon was only treating him out of an adult’s sense of responsibility, then it would be right to put aside his feelings of love.

But it didn’t seem like that. Siwoon was exercising extreme self-control. Every time his suppressed voice trembled, Eunseong couldn’t help but fall into the illusion that Siwoon was barely turning a blind eye to something.

“I don’t mind. I… I’m okay with it.”

“Eunseong.”

As if begging him to stop, as if it was painful to listen, Siwoon called Eunseong’s name earnestly. Though he could have shaken him off with force, he continued to let Eunseong hold his hand, and with a powerless, sinking voice, he called Eunseong’s name, pleading with him to stop, to stop here.

“Then can’t we just try once?”

“…What.”

“Let’s… let’s… let’s kiss.”

“…”

The hand held by Eunseong twitched. Even though he couldn’t see, Eunseong could imagine Siwoon’s surprised gaze looking at him.

“Just once… Then from tomorrow, I won’t like you anymore. I’ll go study abroad. I’ll go wherever you tell me to. I’ll do whatever you say. So please, let’s kiss.”

Eunseong held onto him more tightly, even though Siwoon’s hand hadn’t tried to pull away. He could feel Siwoon’s pulse in his hand. He gripped the large, dry hand that was trembling and crackling. The throbbing sensation of the pulsing blood vessels became clear.

“…Just once, okay?”

Siwoon should have been the one begging. But Eunseong was pleading. If this was resonance, he would have clung to Siwoon mindlessly, rubbing against him like last time.

But Eunseong was asking for a kiss. A kiss was the act furthest from the barbaric instinct of resonance. The resonance Siwoon knew was only bestial mating without affection.

Siwoon’s heart trembled violently, having thought it was just simple resonance, not considering that Eunseong might genuinely like him. However, he was an adult. He had promised Eunseong’s father to protect and look after him, and for that reason, he had brought Eunseong into his domain.

“Then I’ll never… never talk about this again.”

The voice begging for a kiss from the silent man was on the verge of tears.

Siwoon slowly pulled his hand away, trying not to embarrass Eunseong. He tried to minimize his movements as much as possible. He was afraid the sensor light might react and brighten the surroundings. He would see Eunseong’s face, and Eunseong would see his. Siwoon wanted to hide his face in the darkness more desperately than ever before.

“If I do that to you, I’d be nothing but human trash.”

“…”

“Talk to Director Nam about school and choose slowly. I’ll get things ready.”

“…”

“…I’m going now.”

Siwoon turned around. As he moved, everything brightened. The light stung their eyes.

Siwoon, with his back turned, pressed the elevator down button and deliberately stared straight ahead, standing stiffly.

There was no movement from behind. He wanted to see what kind of eyes Eunseong was looking at him with. The urge to turn around rose like an unmanageable tidal wave.

He clenched his fist tightly. He gripped it so hard that the back of his hand felt like it might burst, and he didn’t turn his head. He was afraid of what he might do if he turned to look at Eunseong’s face now. He might commit an act that wouldn’t even qualify as human trash. His desire might end up crumbling his convictions.

“…”

He anxiously waited for the elevator to arrive. This must be what it feels like when reason and accumulated intelligence corrode. He felt like his mind might snap from wanting to embrace Eunseong and kiss him with all his might.

Just as the clenched fist began to tremble with increasing force, the elevator finally arrived. He hurriedly stepped in before the doors could fully open.

As Siwoon turned, his eyes met Eunseong’s, who was standing there staring at him. At the same moment, the tears that had welled up in Eunseong’s eyes spilled down his cheeks.

“…”

“…”

The elevator doors closed automatically without Siwoon pressing any button. He just stood there without pressing the button for the underground parking lot.

He stupidly stood there, meeting his own eyes reflected in the metal doors. He unclenched his fist and squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. With difficulty, he pressed the button for the basement. Only then did the elevator begin to descend with him inside.

∞ ∞ ∞

“First, you’ll need a language score to be admitted, so it would be good to spend about a year adapting while receiving language training. It’s a campus that offers semester-based language programs, located near the London Eye. It’s a dormitory system, so you’ll make many friends.”

Director Nam turned the tablet screen towards Eunseong. Eunseong looked at the castle-like building on the screen and nodded disinterestedly. He seemed absent-minded and indifferent.

“That looks good.”

“Can you look at it properly before saying that?”

“I said it’s good. I’ll go with this one.”

“…”

Director Nam looked quizzically at Eunseong, who was responding so nonchalantly to matters concerning his own future. Eunseong briefly glanced up at his obvious stare.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“It’s strange. Did something happen?”

“Nothing happened.”

“This one is a language school in New York.”

“I don’t like that one.”

Eunseong firmly rejected it as soon as the word New York was mentioned, without even hearing what Director Nam was about to say. His determination was almost fierce.

“You said you liked the other one without even looking at it properly, but you’re rejecting this one outright?”

Director Nam was sensitive about choosing where Eunseong would stay in the future. If Eunseong went abroad, security would become more complicated, and it would be impossible to control him as closely as they did now.

That wasn’t all. They also had to complete the paperwork to launder Eunseong’s identity, find a language school and housing, recruit new security personnel, and more. There was a mountain of tasks to do. The person in question was being uncooperative and indifferent to everything, making Director Nam increasingly frustrated, wondering who all this effort was for.

“Ahjussi was in New York, right? Cornell or something? That’s a university in New York, isn’t it?”

“The distance between the CEO’s university and where you’ll be going is like the distance between Seoul and Busan. And you absolutely can’t get into Cornell, Eunseong. No, even getting close would be difficult.”

He deliberately provoked Eunseong, hoping to stimulate even a little of his competitive spirit by asking why he couldn’t get in there, saying he could if he tried hard enough, but it was in vain.

“I don’t care if it’s Busan or Jeju, I’m not going. It’s still New York, isn’t it? I want to go to the place furthest from New York. Like Finland, Iceland, Norway. The opposite side of the Earth from ahjussi.”

“Those places are too far and not English-speaking countries.”

“Then I’ll go to London.”

“…Sigh, have you decided on this place?”

Director Nam manipulated the tablet to bring back the photo of the London language campus he had shown earlier.

“Yes, that one. I like the campus where you can see the London Eye.”

“Do you even know what the London Eye is?”

“I’m not interested in London elementary school kids.”

“…”

Director Nam’s meaningful gaze fixed intently on Eunseong. Eunseong took the tablet from him and flipped through the photos, checking out the London campus where he would be going for language training, as if he was going to examine it carefully from now on, though his eyes showed no interest at all.

He looked listless, and showed even less enthusiasm in this meeting about his future. Director Nam had been somewhat reassured thinking that since Eunseong had been studying hard while preparing for the college entrance exam, there wouldn’t be much to worry about sending him abroad alone later. But now, that enthusiasm was completely gone. Director Nam felt dizzy at the thought of sending someone who was acting like this was someone else’s business to a foreign land all alone, without any expectation of seizing new opportunities or hope of pursuing his dreams.