Genshin Impact: I Opened Blind Boxes in Liyue

The morning sea breeze carried a salty tang as Ling Feng strolled through Liyue Harbor, humming a tune while clutching a bottle of Mondstadt dandelion wine. He was busy scheming how to pitch his new "Otherworldly Hot Spring Egg" blind boxes to Zhongli when he rounded the corner of Chihu Rock—and nearly tripped over his own feet.

His shop was now flanked by a three-meter-tall inflatable rainbow slime, its gelatinous belly flashing neon letters:

"Blind Box Shop Owner Crowned Teyvat's Prankster of the Year! Branch Opening in Celestia Next!"

A smaller line below read:

"Inazuma Branch Coming Soon! Early Investors Get Wangsheng Funeral Parlor VIP Coffin Trial Coupons!"

"HU TAO!" Ling Feng's wine bottle cracked in his grip.

"Aiya~ Isn't this our grand hero?" Hu Tao popped out from behind the slime's rear, wielding a megaphone. "Citizens of Liyue, let's applaud our blind box maestro's triumphant return—and don't forget to check out our new 'Wangsheng Parlor Collab Boxes' with installment coffin payments!"

The crowd erupted in cheers. Several elderly residents unfurled a banner: "BOSS LING! MY GRANDSON WILL STARVE UNTIL HE GETS A GOLDEN LEGENDARY!"

Ling Feng dragged Zhongli away from his tea at Third-Round Knockout. "Old man, control your disciple! She's turned my shop into a circus!"

Zhongli calmly set down his teacup, tracing the golden dragon pattern on its rim. "From a rational perspective, the 75th-generation director has shown remarkable commercial innovation. Yesterday, she remade The Teyvat Travel Guide into Wangsheng Parlor Client Distribution Map. Even Ningguang praised its 'strategic value.'"

"That's what matters?!" Ling Feng pointed frantically at Yujing Terrace—where ten bungee-jumping ropes hung from the Yuehai Pavilion roof, each tied to a weeping Geo Slime. A sign below proclaimed: "SLIME BUNGEE! TASTE THE THRILL OF DEATH! FATALITIES COME WITH DELUXE FUNERAL!"

Ganyu stormed out of Yuehai Pavilion with a singed ponytail, clutching half-burnt documents. "Mr. Ling! Hu Tao used your 'Otherworldly Happy Fire' blind box item to turn Lady Ningguang's Jade Chamber model into an active volcano!"

By the time Ling Feng arrived, Yuehai Pavilion had become a game show set.

"Ladies and gentlemen, behold!" Hu Tao commentated from a makeshift stage. "This hardhat-wearing Geo Slime will attempt a 100-meter cordless bungee jump! Let's cheer for our brave—oops, it escaped!"

A slime rolled to Ling Feng's feet, its helmet labeled "The Worker's Last Stand." Before he could react, the slime tripled in size and spewed golden Mora into the sky.

"Congratulations on triggering the secret Easter egg!" Hu Tao's megaphone boomed. "This is my specially crafted 'End-of-Life Care Slime'—every Mora bears the Wangsheng Parlor logo!"

Millileth Captain Yanfei arrived with troops, only to be showered in golden coins. Wiping gold dust from her face, she tremblingly raised her spear. "I arrest you for financial disturba—wait, these Mora are real?!"

Amid the chaos, an ominous aroma wafted from Wanmin Restaurant.

"Make way! Make way!" Guoba cleared a path with a "Taste at Your Own Risk" sign as Xiangling skipped over with a smoking pot. "Mr. Ling! Try my new dish made with Hu Tao's 'Otherworldly Mushroom Blind Box'—'Netherworld Marching Volcanic Eruption!'"

Ling Feng eyed the squirming fluorescent tentacles and took a cautious step back. "Those mushrooms have eyes. They definitely have eyes!"

"Relax! I had Chongyun taste-test it!" Xiangling shoved a spoonful into passing Xingqiu's mouth. "Look how moved he is—he's crying!"

Xingqiu tearfully choked Chongyun. "You call this 'mild diarrhea'?! My poetry drafts all turned into Reborn: I'm a Slime in Teyvat!"

When Ningguang finally arrived on her floating platform, Chihu Rock had descended into carnival madness. Vendors hosted "Blind Box Night Markets," kids rode modified Geovishap egg machines, and an old man had converted his coffin shop into a "Wangsheng Parlor Immersive Experience Hall."

"Mr. Ling." Ningguang flicked an astronomical bill. "This covers Jade Chamber model repairs, Yuehai Pavilion cleaning fees, Millileth trauma compensation..."

Ling Feng whipped out a gold-embossed blind box. "Exclusive for the Tianquan—'Business Prodigy Limited Edition,' containing Currency Wars complete set + Wolf of Wall Street suit!"

Ningguang's hand paused mid-air. "...20% discount on the bill."

Late that night, Ling Feng collapsed in his trashed shop as the system blared:

"Ding! Hidden Achievement Unlocked—'Liyue's Avatar of Chaos.' Reward: [Inazuma Culture Starter Pack]!"

A holographic screen flashed:

100 Raiden Shogun Anger Memes

108 Ways to Smuggle Blind Boxes Under Sakoku Decree

How to Make Yae Miko Laugh Until She Sheds Fur tutorial

"What sins did I commit..." Ling Feng buried his face in a pillow as Hu Tao's gramophone blared outside:

"Inazuma Branch Hiring a Madam Boss! Benefits include Mora-spewing Geo Slime!"