ISEKAI? More like I See Crap!

I leaned against the bars of the cage, feeling a headache coming on. "I'm telling you, I'm not from here," I muttered.

One soldier grinned wickedly. "Oh yeah? Not from here, huh? What are you, a dwarf?" He dramatically cleared his throat and deepened his voice. "Oy, laddie, ye be wantin' a pint o' ale, eh?"

The other soldiers burst out laughing.

"No, no," another joined in, crouching low and imitating a goblin. "Hurrk hurrrk! Me crazy guy, hurrrrk!"

The group howled with laughter.

"Oh, come on!" I snapped, glaring at them. "I'm serious! You don't have to mock me!"

One soldier slapped the cage, grinning. "Hey, we're just having fun. It's not every day we meet someone as 'unique' as you."

"Unique, huh? Is that what you're calling it?" I grumbled.

Another soldier leaned close to the bars, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "So, what's next? You gonna tell us you're a dragon in disguise? Or maybe a royal prince cursed?"

"Yeah, or maybe you're secretly a long-lost elf with magical powers?!" someone added, still chuckling.

Before I could protest, another soldier struck a pose, brushing back his hair and dripping with mock elegance. "Oh, dost thou hail from the ethereal realms of the Elven woods?" He raised an imaginary goblet. "Such a crude soul, yet thy speech has a rustic charm."

The group roared again.

Before I could retort, a third soldier jumped in, rolling on the ground and squeaking. "Nyaa~ Ohh~ nyaaa~ Meowster, I'm here to serve~!"

"What the hell!? That's just gross!" I yelled, scooting back in the cage.

But they weren't done. Another soldier pretended to limp, clutching his backside. "Oooohhh~ someone nearly became an orc's 'partner'~" he groaned dramatically. "Poor guy, must be rough on the hips, huh?"

The group lost it, laughing so hard one had to lean against the cage for support.

"Damn it, stop it already!" I shouted, my face burning. "It's not funny!"

"Not funny?" one soldier gasped between laughs. "It's hilarious! Imagine if we'd been a little slower—those orcs would've had you walking just like this!" He mimicked the limp, grinning widely.

"You guys are the worst!"

Even the captain finally burst out laughing. "Alright, that's enough," he said, wiping a tear from his eye. "Let the poor guy keep some dignity... for now."

"What's wrong, crazy guy? Don't like our 'authentic' impressions of your 'otherworldly friends?'" one soldier teased.

The elf-imposter waved dramatically. "Pray tell, dost thou disapprove of our humble mimicry?"

The catfolk wannabe added, "Nyaa~ maybe he's just shy~!" as he crawled closer, batting his hands like paws.

I buried my face in my arm. "Damn it! Why do I even bother talking to you guys?"

The soldiers finally backed off, though they kept chuckling and throwing the occasional glance my way.

"Okay, we're here, crazy guy," one soldier announced with a smirk as he banged on the cage.

I rolled my eyes. "Can you stop calling me that already?"

The captain, busy discussing something with another guard, glanced my way and gestured. "Take him to the intake officer. And be careful—he's a crazy guy."

The guard walked up to the cage with exaggerated caution. "Ohhh nooo, the crazy guy! Better keep my distance! What if he starts grunting like a goblin or speaking dwarvish again?!"

The other guards burst into laughter, clearly enjoying the joke.

"I'm not crazy!" I shouted, rattling the cage bars.

The guard just grinned as he unlocked the cage door. "Alright, crazy guy, out you go. But don't try anything funny, or I'll make sure you're back in here faster than you can say 'nyaa.'"

Another soldier snickered. "Careful, he might throw stones at you like he did to the orcs!"

I stepped out of the cage with a heavy sigh. "Haaa... damn this Isekai. Why couldn't I be the OP protagonist instead of the comic relief?"

The guard nudged me forward with the butt of his spear. "Move it, crazy guy. Let's see what the intake officer has to say about you."

As they escorted me toward a large, imposing building near the town gates, the townsfolk stared, whispered, and pointed. Some even laughed.

"Great," I muttered. "This town already thinks I'm insane, and I haven't even said anything yet."

One guard chuckled. "Don't worry, crazy guy. First impressions can be fixed... eventually."

As we arrived at the intake officer's station, I spotted her. A woman. Not just any woman—she was stunning! Smooth skin, a figure that would make anyone's jaw drop, and legs that could crush a man's ego.

"Wow, girl, you are beautiful!" I blurted out.

The guards around me erupted in laughter. "Look at this crazy guy! Calling her beautiful? She's clearly 50 years old!"

Another guard doubled over, clutching his stomach. "This guy has no shame! Hahahaha!"

I frowned and waved a hand at them. "Huh? Are you guys blind? Just look at her! Her face is smooth, her skin is flawless, and those thighs... hooooweeee! Hey girl, what's your name?"

The woman turned, her expression darkening. Suddenly, she raised her hand and chopped one of the guards on the head.

"Arrgh!" he yelped, clutching his skull.

Before anyone could react, she dashed toward the rest of the guards, delivering devastating kicks that sent them sprawling like bowling pins.

"Arrrhhh! We're sorry, madam!" they cried, writhing on the floor.

She loomed over them, hands on her hips. "How dare you call me old?"

"We're sorry, madam! Please forgive us!" they wailed, bowing repeatedly.

With a loud "Hmph!" she turned her attention back to me. I stood there, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.

"Y-You're amazing," I stammered. "And, uh, I still think you're beautiful."

She raised an eyebrow, smirking. "Flattery will get you nowhere, boy."

"I'm serious," I said, puffing up my chest. "You're beautiful, hot, sexy! How about becoming my girlfriend?"

The guards exchanged incredulous looks and chuckled. "This guy has a death wish," one whispered.

The woman walked over to a large, glowing orb on a pedestal. "Place your hand on the orb," she ordered, her tone sharp.

I raised my bound hands, grinning sheepishly. "But, uh, my hands are still tied."

She pinched the bridge of her nose, frustrated. "Haaaaa... You! Untie him."

One guard scrambled to obey. "Yes, madam!" he said, fumbling with the ropes.

Once my hands were free, I flexed my fingers. "Thanks, beautiful. Seriously, let me be your boyfriend! I'd treat you right!"

The guards laughed again, one whispering, "He doesn't know when to quit."

The woman sighed, pointing at the orb again. "Just put your hand on the orb and stop wasting my time."

I grinned and sauntered over. "Fine, fine. But I'm not giving up that easily!"

She muttered something under her breath—probably a prayer for patience—and crossed her arms, watching me carefully.

The orb glowed faintly as I placed my hand on it. The woman, holding a clipboard, studied the readings with a furrowed brow.

"Hmm, your name here is... Hazekaya? Hazuki? Weird name." She squinted at the clipboard. "Age... 24. Still young. Occupation... none? You've never worked?"

I blinked. "Err... I just arrived in this world!"

She barely looked up. "Yes, yes, just arrived... sure."

I waved my arms for emphasis. "Seriously! I just got here!"

She sighed, shrugging as if humoring a child. "Yes, yes, whatever you say."

After scribbling something down, she turned to the guards and pointed to a nearby holding cell. "Lock him in the cell over there."

My jaw dropped. "Ehhhh? I'm not guilty! I didn't do anything wrong!"

She didn't respond, already walking away.

I clutched the bars of the cage as the guards started dragging me toward the cell. "Wait! I was just admiring your beautiful face, your lips, those curves! That's not a crime, is it?!"

The guards snickered. "You really don't know when to quit, do you, crazy guy?"

"It's called being persistent!" I shouted, trying to dig my heels in. "She'll realize my sincerity eventually!"

The woman stopped, glancing over her shoulder with a faint smirk. "Sincerity? Or stupidity?"

"Hey, they're two sides of the same coin!" I grinned, but she rolled her eyes and walked off.

The guards finally shoved me into the cell and locked the door. One laughed. "Enjoy your stay, crazy guy. Maybe try your luck again tomorrow."

( End of Chapter )